Painted Gals, Fighter Planes

I

Tassles were spinning with increasing rapidity. Hoots were hollered and root beer was being poured. As the saxophone honked and the drum kit bah-boom-tished a tall curvaceous woman danced on a small stage delighting the audience who were entirely male. Meanwhile Griff was in his fighter plane giving it a test flight. A young American full of zeal, patriotism and the desire to snap the leader of The Third Reich in two. He loved conflict and wanted to fight. He also loved women too but above all he loved the sex goddesses that adorned his scrapbook. The curvaceous auburn haired beauty delighting the eyes on stalks went by the name of Sadie Truelove. It was her image that was displayed on Griff’s plane. She was the woman that stepped into his dreams as he fell asleep, unbeknownst to his sweetheart across the road. Unbeknownst to him his sweetheart dreamt of being taken on the road to bliss by Harold Lloyd. She would feel a little guilty about it but Harold’s glasses character would induce her to lie flat on her belly and pleasure herself. In his fighter plane Griff flew high in the air and looped the loop. The sky was his natural territory.

Playing the part of an exotic beauty on the set of a jungle picture was the Chinese-American actress Mimi Taylor. That too, was a stage name. She was the sexual fantasy of Griff’s friend Sam and it was her image that graced his plane. Griff and Sam were still in the youthful country of the United States of America. They had yet to be posted over to England. Sam was looking forward to going over there. He believed the women there were straitlaced, repressed and therefore more than eager to copulate with a gentleman that came from Hollywood’s country. His sweetheart had a secret admiration for Jimmy Cagney. When not up in the air Sam and Griff liked nothing more than to talk about girls, collect swing records and debate over the qualities of Superman and Batman comics. Both had undeniably strong artistic talents and it was Griff who painted Mimi Taylor on Sam’s plane and Sam who painted Sadie Truelove on Griff’s.

When Sadie Truelove finished her stint of flaunting what she had, which was enough to go twice round, she went back to her dressing room. Putting on her coat she left via the back of the building where a black limousine was waiting for her. She gracefully stepped inside and the dark automobile drove off. Mimi Taylor finished off the shoot with group sex, occult practices and backgammon. When that was done she would return to her husband and three kids. Late one evening something happened. How it happened and whether or not it could happen within the confines of the real life in which you dwell one can hardly say but the net result is that whatever happened was very unlikely indeed. Some might say it was something to do with the thunderstorm. Supernaturalistic minded readers might say that it was to do with Mimi Taylor’s occult practices. The paintings on the planes had come to life.

II

There was nothing more than the painted Sadie and the painted Mimi wanted to do than to fly the respective planes that they originally garnished. The only problem was that they were too small. For the paintings to be life size then the fighter planes would have to be the size of a ship. Or thereabouts. The two painted ladies got round it by a simple method of communication, cooperation and improvisation using whatever elements they could find to hand. The painted pin-ups flew two to a plane. First flipping a discarded coin to see who takes first go at the wheel. It was an exhilarating experience for both of them. The thrill of the take off, the adrenaline rush they had increased their zeal to go into conflict. Lucky for them they were not the only painted women on fighter planes that had inexplicably come to life in a thunderstorm. The total of painted pin-ups was forty strong. All keen as mustard to fly and all hot as chilli to fight fascism. Especially one, who we shall learn about a little bit later. An air force of paint was formed and those ladies were not about to wait. They were going to do it now. The painted Sadie Truelove was the general and the painted Mimi Taylor would be the sergeant.

Across the Atlantic Ocean twenty American fighter planes were heading across to the Fatherland driven by women made entirely of paint with a bloodlust to kick Nazi posterior.

“We’re heading to the old continent Ladies! Hang on to your tassles!” Spoke General Sadie over radio contact and the planes that managed to avoid anti-aircraft gunfire landed in the neutral country of Switzerland. There the painted ladies waited until it got dark. The nocturnal was their time. When night did fell one by one the eighteen surviving women made entirely of paint crept into the fascist run country known to her people as Deutschland but to you, me and the pin-ups as…

GERMANY!

Back in the United States Sadie Truelove was still delighting the men. At the back of the audience were two grey haired gentlemen dressed in black and wearing dark black glasses. Tucked under their table was a dark black briefcase. One gave Sadie a look by pulling down the top of his sunglasses and Sadie returned that look. This made her a little nervous but she carried on her act being the consummate professional that she was. Over in Germany the beautiful army were having a little tête-à-tête. The general wanted to know if there was anybody who could speak German. Nein. Not a sausage. This would be proving to be a little difficult for the painted general’s initial plans. Her painted sergeant quickly worked out that with their alluring beauty language was not needed. All that was needed now was a volunteer for the first job. Hans Fritz Glockenspiel a loving father of two twin daughters was one of the guards at the dreaded Adolf Hitler’s headquarters. He also was a bit of a womaniser. The volunteer for the painted army’s first task was an olive skinned goddess with dark curls running down just below her shoulders known to her friends in the painted army as Tarzan.

Hans could not believe what he was seeing but he was delighted, in fact he was more than delighted. What he was seeing must have been one of the guardian fairies that his great grandmother told him about when he was a child. Only she did not tell him that they were very alluring. He smiled at this dusky beauty. From Tarzan’s vantage point she noticed an expanding bulge in Hans’s trousers. General Sadie’s plan was going to plan. It was now time for the next part of the plan. Hans Fritz Glockenspiel became even more excited as the painted soldier who was only as high as his knee removed her clothing and underclothing. Tarzan displayed every morsel of her delectable body to the guard making sure that he knew how available she was. This became too much for the German guard to bear and from his trousers he released the reproductive handgun that gave his darling daughters life. Tarzan immediately leapt up using the mighty strength in her legs and snapped the organ in two. Fraulein Glockenspiel won’t be enjoying her bedtimes no more. Hans collapsed to the ground yelling in agony and clutching at his genitalia. Tarzan put her clothes back on and repeated the same seductive act with the headquarters’ remaining guardsmen. All writhing in agony knowing that the only pleasure left in life for them were collecting and hobbies.

In the United States of America the President himself received a call. “Find those planes Jehovahdammit! I don’t care how mysterious their disappearance is, just search and find them.” And with that he thumped his fist five times on the desk which meant business. “I just don’t want that limey ass Winston teaching his foul mouthed parrot to recite anymore limericks that begins ‘There was an incompetent cripple from Washington’!”

III

The beautiful army managed to get into Hitler’s headquarters. Giant paintings of the Fuehrer were everywhere but they did not have the love and attention paid to them that these gorgeous beauties had in their creation. Some of the painted soldiers were fearful that the same thing that happened to them would happen to the portraits of Adolf Hitler. Just imagine that! Many Adolfs dictating about the place, all fifty foot high. There was only one thing for it, the grossen sausage himself must be annihilated. No questions asked, no beating about the bush, just kill the Fred Karno employee look-a-bit-like. Once he was pushing up the daisies then hopefully it would be unlikely that his portraits would be coming to life. To undertake this history making job the army of painted ladies split into two. Nine ladies under the command of General Sadie and the remaining ladies under the command of Sergeant Mimi. These ladies were tiny but mighty.

Under the command of Sergeant Mimi the women crawled near the skirting boards so as not to be detected. Adolf Hitler’s main headquarters that evening was full of The Third Reich’s personnel, their families and their guests. What was going on that evening? Sergeant Mimi and her women had no time to weigh, consider or theorise such things. They had a job to do and they had makeshift weapons forged from the plunder taken from the guardsmen that Tarzan castrated. Sergeant Mimi was a quick thinker. The only way to get to the Fuehrer and kill him was through information. There were so many rooms in the headquarters that by the time each one was searched Adolf and Eva might have already left the building and headed to Bad Doberan. Sergeant Mimi whispered her plan to the women. All knew what to do.

General Sadie, meanwhile, took a different tactic. Seeing a food trolley being taken down the corridors she ordered that herself and her women should jump on the bottom half and hide within. Over in America whilst the President was pulling the hair out of his ears in stress the real Sadie Truelove was being given another limousine ride. Where she was going to there the actress Mimi Taylor would also be.

“Where’s Hitler?” Yelled Sergeant Mimi into Hermann Goering’s ear.
“I…I don’t know.”
“Where’s Hitler?”
“I…”
“Where’s Hitler?”
“My eye! My eye! He’s in his secret room.”
“Where’s his secret room?” Piped one painting whose real life counterpart did “cheesecake” poses.
“I…I don’t know. This one is known only by the Fuehrer…Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop! I have keys! I have keys.”
“Pass them over here.” Sergeant Mimi curtly ordered.
“I can’t, my hands have just been severed from their wrists and I am gradually bleeding to death.” Sergeant Mimi ordered Private Lola to search for the keys. Private Lola was successful. After torturing Goering they acquired the whereabouts of the Fuehrer’s secret room.

Eva Braun and her closest friends were having a party. Laughter and drinking was the order of the night. Each swapping intimate stories about their husband’s lack of prowess and quality of reproductive organ. There was a knock on the door. She replied in the German language the equivalent of, “Come in.” The door opened and a food trolley was brought in. The girl who had brought the trolley in was told to leave it there. She did just that and returned to the kitchen to await further orders to be blindly obeyed.

Outside Adolf Hitler’s secret room Sergeant Mimi stood upon Private Lola’s shoulders looking through the keyhole. “What a hypocrite.”
“What’s he doing?” Asked Private Lola.
“Pass the keys up, Cissie.” And the painting whose real life counterpart posed “cheesecake” did just that.

Inside his secret room the Fuehrer was as naked as the day he was born sodomising Martin Bormann. Bormann did not particularly relish being buggered by Germany’s chancellor especially one who ejaculated like a twenty-first century power shower switched to “boost” but Hitler was Hitler and there was no arguing with that. He was making such a noise that neither party could hear the key turn in the lock. “Oof! Oof! Oof! Oof! Oof! Oof! Oof! Oof! Oof! Oof! Oof! Aiiiiieeeaaaargh!” Went the Fuehrer as his scrotum and testicles went hurtling to the floor in a bloody heap. He pulled out of Bormann who in turn immediately farted anti-Semitic semen all over Hitler’s wounded lap causing an immense stinging sensation. “Ach! Gott in Himmel!” Said Mr. Hitler as he danced the dance of agony. Martin Bormann headed for the door and with both her hands holding up the Fuehrer’s pistol Sergeant Mimi screamed, “Get them all!” And reader she fired a shot causing the buggeree’s head to explode like a watermelon splattering the entire room and contents within with blood and brain. Sergeant Mimi and her women whooped, cheered and applauded. Adolf Hitler attempted to grab at the tiny female soldiers of paint but they moved so fast he could have been fighting a Kandinsky. Then the unintentionally menstruating dictator’s strength weakened.
And weakened.
And weakened.
And weekend.
He collapsed to the floor white as Bibendum with an escaping fart being the last sound arising from him. It was a most artistic fart that would have done John Cage proud. Instead of whooping and hollering the army of Sergeant Mimi let the full awesome weight of what they did sink in. Then the screaming started. “Yay! We did it! Come on ladies let’s leather ‘em all!” But their frabjous day was scuppered by a shocking revelation when a loudspeaker began to crackle.

Eva Braun and her friends were partying at full flow. One fraulein was asking her opinion on a dress she was wearing. Eva looked her up and down and biting her bottom lip nodded in appreciation. The fraulein was most pleased and Eva gently stroked her flank as a gesture for her to sit down beside her. She wanted to know what books the fraulein read. The fraulein said her father used to read to her the fairy tales of the Grimm brothers. Eva Braun interrupted her trip down memorystrasse and asked the fraulein if she had ever heard of The Marquis de Sade. The other frauleins in the room (save for the soldiers-in-hiding) began to smile whereas the fraulein who was asked the question in the first place was a little non-plussed. Eva Braun said this was a shame as she wanted to know of her philosophy on the character of Madame de Clairwill from the picaresque novel ‘Juliette or The Prosperities of Vice’. The fraulein replied that it sounded like a very interesting book. Eva, with the other frauleins grinning like the Reverend Charles Dodgson’s fictional cat, said she would initiate her into the literary world of the divine Marquis. Perhaps her children might like to get involved.

Hidden inside the food trolley Tarzan was growing impatient. “We are wasting time here, No way are we going to find out where President Hitler is at this rate. Anyway none of us speaks German.” General Sadie agreed, the time for listening was over. Just before Eva Braun was going to reveal that she was going commando General Sadie’s attractive troops leapt out of the trolley. “Good day my dear Eva. Let me introduce Tarzan. We call her Tarzan because she swings both ways, if you catch my Rourke’s Drift. As, I have just seen, you do. However Tarzan’s real life counterpart is a crossbreed Jewish-Red Indian-Gypsy and that in private her politics are anarcho-communist. So I reckon that doesn’t make her eligible for membership of your husband’s fanclub, does it?” Eva and the frauleins could not understand a word of what she was saying so her so-called impressive speech went over their heads.

IV

The real Mimi Taylor was chained to a wooden chair and gagged with a worn out sweaty sock in her mouth. Sadie Truelove was attempting to reach the leader of Germany’s Third Reich via a radio communication device secreted in a black briefcase. Griff’s ideal woman was a fascist. Little did her audience of admiring bozos knew that her husband was Hank Henderson leader of the United States National Socialist Party and not only was she its secretary by being fluent in Germany, Italian and Spanish she was in regular contact with two of the world’s major fascists. Mimi Taylor was tied up because a crew member betrayed her when he found out that she was using her occult powers to try and destroy the fascists. Sadie Truelove kept on calling the Fuehrer’s name and got more and more worried as a result.

Atop the bloody heap of fraulein corpses General Sadie and Sergeant Mimi were indulging in an aggressive battle of punches, bites and kicks. Their soldiers working on their own initiative elsewhere. Both the painted women were inflicting serious pain on one another. Covering each other’s bodies in big purple welts. Red with rage Sergeant Mimi was screaming obscenities at General Sadie. General Sadie defended herself by saying that she was her own woman and that a painting of a fat cigar is not necessarily a fat cigar. “Tell that to the judge!” And with a left hook Sergeant Mimi broke General Sadie’s jaw of paint. Back in the United States Mimi Taylor refused to help Sadie Truelove and the United States National Socialist Party which was what they were expecting. So Sadie Truelove directed her attention to a water tank. A small water tank with a lid on top containing her youngest child. Mimi Taylor’s eyes widened when she saw below a fire being prepared by the gentlemen who came every night to pick up Sadie Truelove. Her young son, if she did not comply with the fascists, would be boiled to death. Mimi Taylor swallowed her fear and said, “Let him boil. My son is a patriotic American and would gladly experience inexplicable agonising and frightening pain for freedom.”
“Very well. He shall die and afterwards we shall play in the cinemas of the world and to your family secret films we made of your wrap parties in which we can see a lot of ‘unwrapping’! Your career would be destroyed Madam Arbuckle!”
“No! No! Anything but that!”

Back in Germany Sergeant Mimi was administering kung-fu kicks to General Sadie’s groin. The red headed painted one was holding onto her agonised jaw. The pain, even though it was paint pain, was excruciating and all too much for her. Private Cissie ran in, “General Sadie! General Sadie!”
“General Sadie is a traitor, Cissie.”
“Something’s happened.” Sergeant Mimi stopped wounding her general and followed Private Cissie with great urgency. What they saw was so terrifying it would make your jaw drop if you saw it. Crushing Tarzan to a pulpy bone crushing death with his foot was Adolf Hitler or rather a painting of Adolf Hitler and there were many other paintings (the majority of them oils) crushing or squashing the life essence out of General Sadie and Sergeant Mimi’s women. Only Private Cissie managed to escape murder. There was only one thing for it. All three had to hide and immediately Sergeant Mimi and Private Cissie legged it. Meanwhile back in the room where the bloody corpse of Eva lay the defiantly non-fascist General Sadie made an attempt to write a note. She was successful and dragged herself out of the room to search for her friends Sergeant Mimi and Private Cissie. After a short while she managed to find them and before her skull of paint was crushed to a splatter by Sergeant Mimi’s foot General Sadie passed over the note to Private Cissie.

V

“Can you put that by me again?”
“Well Mr. President nobody knows what happened. The whole of The Third Reich were massacred by who knows what. Nobody seems to want to take the glory.”
“Well someone oughta take the glory. Now, does any of you two jackahoops know what happened to our planes?”
“Mr. President that is the weirdest thing.”
“Weirder than their mysterious disappearance? You’re pulling my chain.”
“The planes were found in Switzerland with the pin-ups removed from them and….”
“And what?”
“Well it may be coincidence but the place where the massacre occurred was drenched in paint remover…”
“Jehovahdammit won’t anybody tell me what the Hell is going on?” Then the phone rang. The President picked it up and was treated to a volley of abuse from a feathered creature.

“Winston!!!!”

© 2009 Clinton Morgan