Chances

Chances

"I don't want to be a part of this anymore." She said "It's become too
much to handle. Everything. I never thought that love could be this
dificult."
I sat there on her bed quietly. I had seen this coming for a month. The
apathy had been a big hint. It had helped me prepare for this.
"I wondered when this would happen. I wish I could fight for this
relationship. I really do. But Im tired too. Im so tired of it all.
We're not going to get a break and it will always be like this. I loved
being loved by you and I loved loving you, but we never got to try it
without the dread hanging above our heads. We both deserve something
better then this. I wish it could be with you. I really do, but it
can't and it's just foolish to think it will ever get any
better."
"Still, you didn't deserve what I did to you. It was ..... It was
terrible. It wasn't meant to hurt you. I just didn't know what else I
could do with myself. It was the only thing I could do that I had
control over."
That part did hurt. There was no denying it. But it wasn't about me. "
It does hurt. I won't lie. But there's nothing that can be done now and
I don't blame you. This whole thing is insane. No one should have this
much control over a person. We're ending our relationship. That's all
that can be done. Maybe if there was a way to save it I would care
more, but there just isn't, so I don't."
She sighed and closed her eyes, supressing tears. "I know. Maybe I
didn't do my part. Maybe there was more I could have done to make you
accepted....."
"You should never have had to. Neither of us have done anything wrong.
We can't choose our families, though. You cant cut yourself off from
yours and neither can I. Maybe in a different time a different place.
Maybe it would have worked then.... " I shook my head. "What am I
thinking? We are here and now. There is no way to change it."
She looked up at me. "I'm sorry for not loving you anymore. It's not
just you though. I just don't love anything. They've sucked the love
out of my life. They've left us no other option. I'm sorry. They won.
What can I say? I just can't take this anymore."
"You really don't have to say anything. You were incredibly strong to
last this long. No one could expect anything more out of you. I have
resigned myself to this outcome. I certainly don't blame you. It's not
your fault we never got a full shot at this. But I can't even bring
myself to hate them. They had your best interest at heart, in the end.
They just felt I wasn't the best. I'm certainly not the best, I'll
agree to that, but I'm also not as bad as they believed. And yet I
agree with them. You do deserve someone special. "
"I don't even care anymore. I just want it all to stop. I can't live
like this anymore. I have a lot of things I have to do. I have a lot of
things I have to change. I'm 21 and there's no reason that anyone
should have this much control over my life. I just can't do all of that
and try to keep our realtionship going. Do you understand? Do you
really? Or is all of this just words?"
"I do understand. You certainly don't need another roadblock, another
obstacle to work past, in your life. I've learned a lot from this
relationship. There's a part of me that needs to grow up. I have a lot
of things I have to let go of. A lot of misconceptions about life. More
then anything, I need to learn to take a chance."
We looked at each other, no tears left from all the times before this.
We just looked at each other, eyes dry until we could look no more. We
turned our heads to the window. Outside snow was flying. The capital
building, ten blocks away, could barely be seen. The random phantom
light appeared between blasts of swirling white. Outside the world was
being covered.
"I don't know what we'll be like after this is over." She said. "Maybe
we'll get another shot. There's always a chance. Who really knows what
will come after this."
I wondered if she was serious. It didn't really matter. I know she
didn't mean it. This was already a part of the past for us. We both had
a lot of growing up to do and it was unlikely we'd find each other on
the other side.
"Maybe." I answered. "Maybe we'll find each other in a bar in Australia
somewhere. We'll be drinking our beer, not knowing that we're just a
few tables away. Then we'll see each other. Half a world away. We'll
get another chance. "
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a bittersweet half smile on her face.
"That would be nice. So nice....."
We sat like this for another minute. I realized it had all been said.
That was all it had been. Our breakup had happened. It was over. My
heart wasn't in pieces as I had predicted. I almost felt a small
glimmer of hope. Not for us. That would never be. But for us apart from
each other. Maybe we would finally get a chance to be ourselves. Maybe
there was a hope of us having a good life. I stood and zipped my coat
up.
"I should go. My mom is probably expecting me. I should get going
before the roads get undrivable."
She was still looking out the window. I wondered what she was thinking.
I hoped she would find what she needed to.
"Yeah, the world needs as many puppies as it can get. I would hate to
hear you were in an accident." I similed at my pet name.
I pulled a small wrapped presant from one of my coat pockets. "I came
here to give you this. I didn't really think this would all happen
tonight." I set the package on her bed. "I'll just leave it here for
you." I walked out of her room and took a couple steps to the front
door. I looked back at her, still staring out at the snow. "Merry
Christmas. And have a ... have a great New Year's."
"You too. And ..... I'm sorry. " I shook my head and waved my hand at
her.
"No need to be. It happens." I unlocked and opened the door. "I'll see
you around."
"Bye......" She said as I closed the door. I stepped down the snow
covered staris and made my way to my car. The new year was coming and
it had a lot in store for me. It had a lot in store for both of us. I
honestly wondered if I would ever see her again. It didn't really
matter. As long as things got better. There seemed to be a good chance
they would.......

* * *

"I slept with him and this is it. We're breaking up. "
She looked at me, her arms crossed across her chest, from her perch on
the window sill.
I just sat on her bed dumbfounded.
"What do you expect? You're gone all the time at school. You never come
and visit. I'm lonely! I have to do something!"
I stood up, my face bright red. "You fucking cunt! You're the one who
never visits me! I come down whenever I can! I paid my rent late so I
would have enough money to drive down here! You're the one who never
asks her parents to borrow the car."
"What can I say?" She said. "They don't like you. What am I supposed to
do?"
"I don't know. Talk to them? Maybe not let them control your life?" I
screamed at her.
"Fuck you. It's not that easy."
"So you sleep with other guys instead? What the hell is up with that? I
love you, you stupid bitch! And you do this? You didn't even give me
any warning that you were unhappy!" I felt tears biting at the corners
of my eyes.
She stood up forcefully.
"Fuck you. I gave you pleanty of warning. Maybe if you didn't have
fucking blinders on you would have noticed, you dumb shit."
"This isn't my fault, don't try to blame me. It's your stupid parents
that wouldn't let it go. Who the hell let's her mom control her? You
just let her walk all over you. Get a backbone." I was reaching my
breaking point. I was no longer thinking. I was just spitting out words
that I knew would hurt her. "You did this same thing with your last
relationship. You dragged out the end. You said it wasn't the right
time to tell him. And afterwards you gave him false hope of getting
back together. You're just trying to take control of what you can
because your mom controls everything else!"
She took a step towards me, rage in her eyes. "What do you know?? You
won't ever do anything for yourself. Something has to practicly fall
out of the sky and into your lap before you address it. That girl who
you used to hang out with all the time, she wanted you, but you led her
along. Because you didn't want to deal with it."
"Whatever," I stammered. "I didn't know if she really liked me. I
didn't want to presume anything and make an ass out of myself."
"Bullshit. You liked the attention. Everyone knew she liked you and you
didn't do anything until when she kissed you. Speaking of having no
spine, you should just look in the mirror."
"Fuck this." I said. "It's over, right? Why the hell are we even still
talking then?"
I grabbed my coat from the chair I had thrown it on when I had
entered.
"Why don't you just go find a guy to sleep with? You don't want to get
cold tonight."
Outside a winter storm was pummeling the city. I had barely noticed
since this whole fight had started. Outside the temperature was
dropping and the snow was piling up. I could hear the occational plow
drive past, but the windows were frosted over and nothing could be
seen. She looked at me with an icy look of her own.
"Just get the fuck out of here, you fucking spinless worm."
"Blow me." I said as I opened the door and stepped into the cold. Snow
instantly assaulted my face, pelting my skin.
"Not anymore. " She answered "And merry fucking christmas." Then she
slammed the door. I heard her engage the lock and then the front porch
lights went out. I hurriedly put my coat on and walked from her
apartment as quickly as possible. I was fuming and I was miserable. I
hadn't wanted to say any of that. It had all come out wrong. She hadn't
deserved it. It had all been some mistake, I tried to convince myself.
I put my hands in my pocket and felt the presant there. It had been my
original reason for going there in the first place. It was pointless
now. I pulled it out and threw it in someone front lawn. It would be
covered and lost by morning. I didn't even care. I felt my tears
freezing to my face and I didn't care. The whole world could be covered
in cold frozen death and I wouldn't care.
It just didn't matter.