Tipsy

No Title Yet
Cassie Williamson

I used to think I was invincible, that I would live forever in a fantastic world of parties and people. I used to think life was meant to be a blur, that friends weren’t forever and that I could always get serious later. It was college, you know? Of course I didn’t think that I could die at such a young age, or that I would need close friends. I guess what I mean to say is that I didn’t think. At all.
I was a good student in high school. Not top of the class child genius, or anything, but I passed with B’s and even the occasional A. My teachers liked me, or at least tolerated me, and my parents and I got along relatively well. I had a good high school career. I wasn’t prom queen or class president and I’m sure a few people didn’t like me, but it seemed like I was neutral. No one loved me, but no one hated me either. I didn’t cause trouble, I didn’t act up. I just lived my life. I got accepted into my first choice school, UW-Milwaukee. Nothing impressive, but it’s all I needed to start my mediocre life. I didn’t have high expectations for myself, and no one had them for me. It wasn’t as memorable as it had been made out to be.
College was a whole new world to me, I was introduced to all sorts of things that were just rumors in high school. UWM wasn’t a “party school”, but it was a college, and I soon learned that all schools were party schools, whether they sported the logo or not. My roommate’s name was Amelia. She was one of those “artsy” people. She spent hours in the dark writing poetry on napkins and pinning them to her wall. When she wasn’t doing that, she took hits from her pipe or drank from a bottle she hid above her top bunk in the ceiling tile. The bottle never emptied, and I wondered how many were really up there. I never smoked or drank, the opportunity never really presented itself in high school. The times when I wasn’t at school, I was at home writing or reading. I didn’t go to parties, and to be perfectly honest, I didn’t even think people really drank in high school.
Amelia and I got along. She was a nice girl, a little odd, but nice enough. She came from a big city and an urban school. Her mom raised her sisters and her. She had to use her paychecks to pay for things like food and sometimes even the bills. Her and her sisters lived in an apartment almost by themselves, her mom had to work two jobs. I was aghast when she told me these things, she made me feel like I grew up with a 50’s TV family. I mean, my parents were still married and loved each other very much. My brother was already out of college and working for some big company. The most my parents ever drank was wine when we went out to dinner, and we always sat in non-smoking. Listening to Amelia talk was like reading a book where you were exposed to things you never even thought existed.
In the beginning it was mostly Amelia talking, I didn’t have anything interesting to say, and I liked her voice. It was quiet and smooth, like a spokesperson for a spa might sound. She was pretty, too. Her skin was pale, but her eyes were a stark green that stood out from across the room. She told me she never wore contacts and never would, she was all natural. Her hair was a plethora of colors that were anything but natural, and it always looked like she just woke up. I don’t know how she did it, but I think it looked great. Whenever I tried to make my hair look like that, it just looked like I got in a fight with a hairdryer and lost. Badly. She wasn’t skinny, but she wasn’t big, she carried herself very well. Her clothes were what amused me the most. Her jeans had holes in them, and she even admitted to purposely putting some of them there. She always wore a jean jacket with random patches sewn on from “shows” she went to. One was a rainbow, and she explained to me that she was gay. There was a dark brown stain on the sleeve, which she later told me was from a time she punched a guy. She was pleasing to look at, like an exotic bird. And with a voice like hers, I felt perfectly content sitting and listening and learning from her.
Amelia’s girlfriend couldn’t drive out to visit her one night, and she was restless. She sat on her bed and wrote in her journal for a while. Then she’d stop, sigh, and scribble out whatever she wrote. I stared at my laptop, attempting to write a paper for an English class I was taking, but her constant sighing and scribbling really wore on my concentration. Just when I thought she must have been out of words to scribble out, she went through another burst of sighing and scratching and scribbling. Finally, I turned around to face her. She sat with her back against the wall, hair hanging in front of her, and her face was flushed with frustration. I asked her if everything was okay, not really wanting to start a conversation, but wanting to be nice.
She was upset because Angie couldn’t come visit her. I told her I understood, and turned back to my computer.
“Do you, Kelly? I’ve never seen your boyfriend before, is he being a jerk like Angie is?” she asked. I turned back to face her again, not sure what to say. She never really asked about me before, so I never thought about what I should say if she did happen to ask.
“I don’t have a boyfriend,” I said, and once again turned back to the laptop.
I heard Amelia slap herself. “Oh my God, I’m sorry. Me, of all people, how insensitive…Do you have a girlfriend? Because if you do you know I won’t care if you bring her over, I mean, duh, but seriously. I want to meet her, what’s she like?” she spewed out, and had to catch her breath after she finished.
I couldn’t help but turn around again. Her face was red with embarrassment and her hands were laced together in front of her. She looked like she was about to cry, and I felt badly when I started to laugh uncontrollably. When I stopped, I wiped tears from under my eyes and had to control the urge to start laughing again.
“No, Amelia, I don’t have a girlfriend either, you weren’t being insensitive. I just don’t have a boyfriend, that’s all. I’m single. Always have been, probably always will be. No biggie, can I please finish my paper?” I said, and didn’t wait for an answer. I went back to typing my paper and was surprised when I heard her get up and cross the room.
“What do you –“ I started, but stopped when she closed the top of my laptop. I stared at her, my mouth might have even hung open.
“You mean you’ve never dated anyone? Good joke, Kelly.” She said, and laughed. I didn’t. She saw my expression and stopped. “Wait, really? Holy shit.” Did I mention she was also pretty vulgar? “But you’re hot, why haven’t you…why are you…I don’t understand.” She finished, and a look of true perplexity came across her face.
“What? What’s the big deal?” I asked, sincerely wondering. Amelia held a finger up to me and closed her eyes. She sighed and pulled out her phone, flipping it open like she meant business. I shrugged and opened my computer back up.
Amelia was on the phone for a good twenty minutes, and I was well on my way to writing a mediocre analytical paper on Chinua Achebe. I typed with no interruptions for twenty minutes and got two more pages in when she came over and closed my laptop again. I was getting irritated. I turned around to ask her just what she thought she was doing, when I saw her smiling. I feared that smile.
“We’re going to a party. I’m going to introduce you to some people and you’re going to have a great time.” The last part sounded less like a promise and more like a threat.
“I can’t go to a party. I have a paper to write, and I don’t…party.” I said, not quite sure how to say it, without being rude.
“You can and will go, you will party and you will enjoy yourself. Your class doesn’t start until noon tomorrow and you will have plenty of time to finish your paper to-mo-rrow.” She enunciated the last word by poking me in the shoulder. I rolled my eyes at her, but conceded. She was right; I could finish my paper in the morning. And maybe it would be nice to have people other than my roommate and my professors that knew my name. I stood up and shrugged. Amelia smiled.
“Good.” She said, and gave me a pat on the back. “You just wait, you’ll have a blast.”
I made a move to the door, and she stopped me before I could reach for the handle.
“What!?” I said, exasperated. “Don’t you want to go ‘party’ before it’s too late?” I asked her. I was surprised when she laughed at me.
“You think you’re going out like that?” she asked, and started to laugh again. I didn’t see what was so funny. I was wearing a pair of jeans and UWM sweatshirt. I thought it looked fine, and I told her so. She shook her head and started going through my closet. I watched in disbelief as she rooted through all of my clothing, all the while shaking her head.
“You have nothing to wear. I don’t understand. Great body, no flattering clothes. Great face, no makeup. Great hair, just a pony-tail. My God! Where have you been?”
I told her, Germantown. She looked at me like she didn’t quite believe it. Like a cat with three legs or a dog walking on two paws. I didn’t like the feeling of being analyzed and observed. It was kind of creepy, actually.
She went over to her closet and started to root through it; I stood aside and watched her. After a while of swimming around in the mass of clothes in her closet she stood up, her hair in her face and a little out of breath. She held a shirt and pants in her hands. The shirt was black and that was nothing new, and the pants were ripped and faded like the ones she wore. I didn’t understand how that could possibly be flattering to me. She threw them at me and told me to change. She turned to face the other wall mumbling something about having a girlfriend.
I shrugged, unaware that I was doing so, and peeled off my sweatshirt and the shirt under it. I pulled the black shirt on and it clung to me like balloons do after you rub them in your hair. I tried pulling it down over my jeans, but it sprung right back up, revealing a part of my midriff. I unzipped my jeans and kicked them off, and picked up the ones she gave me. I didn’t know which holes were for my feet and which ones were for “decoration,” so I made an educated guess and I must have been lucky, because I was able to pull them up with ease. That was, until they reached my hips. I told Amelia that they didn’t fit, and she turned around to look. I didn’t want her to see me half-naked so I tired to spin around and face away from her, but I got tangled in my pair of jeans and fell on to the bed. She started laughing hysterically when I started to get up, but she came over and pushed my shoulders so I fell back down on the bed.
“Now pull them up,” she said, and I did as directed.
The jeans slid over my hips and I zipped them up. I stood up and was surprised at how tight they were. I tried again to pull the shirt down, but Amelia slapped my hand away.
“Leave it! It’s supposed to be like that. Now, look in the mirror,” she demanded and I complied once again. She had a full length mirror on her side of the room, and I walked over to it and looked at my reflection. It was me, but not.
I was a little pale, but it was Wisconsin, and there wasn’t much I could do about that. My hair was messy and I stood awkwardly in my new clothes, but to be honest, I liked the way I looked. I had curves that I never knew about, and the jeans I squeezed into made me look taller than I actually was. I could see Amelia standing behind me, smiling.
I turned around and she hugged me, pinning my arms to my sides. I felt really awkward, I’d never been hugged by a girl, it was kind of weird. I stood stiffly in my place until she let go.
“You. Look. Great. Let’s go,” she said, and smoothed my hair down and grabbed my hand, pulling me out of the dorm. She kicked the door shut and we walked down the hall and out the door.
I felt very self-conscious outside. I never wore tank tops, and seeing that much of my skin made me feel very exposed and vulnerable. I kept pulling my jeans up above my hip bones, and Amelia kept yelling at me and telling me to leave them. I didn’t understand why it was “cute” to wear jeans that were halfway falling off. We walked through the courtyard and out on to the street. It started to get dark about a half hour prior, and now the first few stars filtered through the glow of the street lights. It wasn’t cold, but I still walked with my arms crossed over my chest.
We walked for a few blocks before I heard the music. It wasn’t like any music I listened to. I enjoyed alternative stuff, or classical, stuff you could fall asleep to. That’s not what this was. I couldn’t even hear the words, the bass was too loud. We rounded the corner and there was a white house with cars parked all the way down the street. People came and went, and most of them said something to Amelia, and gave me a somewhat interested look. I didn’t know if I should say anything, so I just stood next to her while she talked to all these people I’d never seen before.
It started to get chilly; I shivered and rubbed my arms. I didn’t know what was so attractive about a girl with a bunch of goose bumps all over her arms, but Amelia was absorbed with all of her other friends, so I decided not to ask. We finally made our way inside and I was momentarily relieved to be warmed. The atmosphere was completely different from what I expected it would be like. People weren’t all wild and crazy like the frat houses. There were a bunch of people sitting on a couch, laying back and smoking weed. There was a larger group of people standing in a circle around the stereo, and they all had red plastic cups in their hands. I turned to ask Amelia what I was supposed to do next, and saw that she already had two plastic cups in her hand. She gave one to me.
“Drink up,” she ordered, and proceeded to take a big gulp of whatever she had.
“What is it?” I asked, and stared doubtfully into the cup. She took another drink before saying,
“Lemonade. Try it, you’ll like it,” so I did.
It was lemonade, but there was something else in it, something that tasted…really good. I took another drink and smiled. Amelia punched me in the shoulder and held her cup up, I hit mine against hers and for the first time in a while, I felt like I was having actual fun.
She started to walk down the hallway, and like the obedient person I was, I followed her. A girl in a pink polo top and a pleated skirt came up to Amelia and hugged her. The girl didn’t walk straight and she was really giggly. She leaned in closer to Amelia and whispered something in her ear. Amelia laughed and put her hands on the drunk girl’s waist. Drunk Girl giggled again and stumbled forward, almost knocking Amelia over. Amelia straightened her up and pushed her hair out of her face. Drunk Girl leaned in and kissed Amelia. She kissed her back and then turned to me.
“This is Mandy, we’ve got Psych together. Nice girl, really nice girl,” she said and laughed.
I was confused, and told her so.
“Amelia, you’ve got a girlfriend, remember? What’s she going to say when she finds out?” I asked. I liked Angie and I didn’t know what Amelia was doing.
Drunk Girl laughed, “She won’t find out, she hasn’t yet. Isn’t that right?” she asked Amelia and kissed her again. They both laughed. I said nothing, and Amelia shot me a look that was more than a request not to tell. I shrugged; it was her life I guess. I took another drink of my lemonade.
“We’re going upstairs, I’ll talk to you later,” she said, and my face dropped. “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. Here,” she said and dumped the rest of her drink in my cup, “that’ll help a little bit.”
She walked away with her arms steadying Drunk Girl. I wondered how they planned on getting upstairs, that girl didn’t look like she could walk on flat ground. I chuckled quietly, and then they were gone, and I was alone. I briefly considered leaving, but I didn’t want to walk home by myself. I scanned the area and noticed that the people who were smoking moved somewhere else, so I walked over to the couch and sat down in the corner. My head started to hurt from the music, and I was a little upset that Amelia was the one who brought me there, and she ditched me for some stupid girl. I took another drink and crossed my legs, leaning back into the couch.
People came and went, some of them said hi to me, others looked like they couldn’t talk if they wanted to. About 20 minutes passed before two guys sat down next to me.
“Mind if we smoke?” one of them asked, already holding a lighter to his glass pipe. I shrugged and went to take another drink. My cup was empty. I looked at it in disbelief, I wanted some more lemonade. The guy sitting right next to me laughed.
“Out of booze?” he asked.
“It’s lemonade,” I said, “and yes, I am.”
“You’re funny,” he said, but the words were muffled because he was getting ready to take another hit. He inhaled and held it for close to half a minute before exhaling a cloud of smoke bigger than I though lungs could hold. He coughed once, and then held out the pipe to me. “Want some?” he asked, and held it closer. He looked at me expectantly, and I almost felt bad.
I knew pot was illegal, but I also knew that a lot of people did it. A lot of the really smart people in my classes were rumored to, even before exams. I never grew up with a strong moral conviction against drugs, in my school it was never really and issue to me. Of course, I was always curious. Curiosity killed the cat, I heard a voice say in the back of my head. But wasn’t the rest of the phrase: “Satisfaction brought him back”?
“Um, sure, I guess. What do you do?” I asked, taking the pipe from him. It was glass, about five inches long, and was warm to the touch. The bowl was smoldering and I could smell a familiar odor. It smelled like Amelia.
He looked at me in a sort of disbelief, and laughed again. Everyone at this party sure was in a good mood. “You’ve never smoked before?” he asked, and I shook my head. “That’s great, you really are a character. Here,” he said, straightening the pipe out in my hand so that they bowl was facing away from me and my hand was cupped around it, “See that little hole on the side?” he asked, I did, “Put your finger over that when you inhale, it makes it burn better. Hold the lighter up to the bowl and suck in. Not too much though, I don’t want you to cough your lungs out.
I put my finger over the hole and flicked the lighter. A flame appeared and I held it to the top of the bowl.
“Okay, now suck in on that end,” he said, and pointed to the end closest to me. I did as instructed.
The air was hot in my lungs and it made my mouth feel like cotton lined the inside. I started to exhale when my new acquaintance shook his head and put his hand on my knee,
“No, no, no, not yet!” he said, and I stopped exhaling. I looked at him in confusion, “The longer you hold it in, the better,” he said, so I held it in for about ten more seconds before exhaling a cloud of smoke that I couldn’t believe came from my lungs. I coughed and waved the smoke away from my face, handing the pipe and lighter back to him.
“Thanks,” I said, still coughing.
“You’ll learn to like it. How do you feel?” he asked me, and I told him I was thirsty.
“My mouth is really dry, and I don’t have anything to drink. I’ll be right back,” I said, and stood up. I looked around and saw nowhere to get any more lemonade. Everyone was talking and I couldn’t focus on any one conversation that was going on around me. I felt taller than usual, and like my feet weren’t big enough to steady me. Someone brushed against me and I swayed on my feet. My new acquaintance grabbed my hand and pulled me back down on the couch. It was a welcome security, I didn’t want to fall over and embarrass myself.
“Don’t worry about it, Tipsy, I’ll go get you some more ‘lemonade,’” he said, and stood up.
“Hey, my name’s not Tipsy. It’s Kelly,” I said. Words were becoming harder to get out and I wondered what was wrong with me, “But, Kelly does rhyme with ‘Tipsy,’ so I’ll let it go,” I said, and laughed out loud. I never knew how funny I was until tonight, “Who are you?” I asked.
“My name’s Adam, you just sit there and I’ll be right back,” he said, and walked away. I turned and looked at his friend, who I had forgotten was there. His head was tipped back against the couch and it looked like he was sleeping. He held the pipe in his right hand, and I could see that it was still smoking. I didn’t want him to drop it and maybe start the couch on fire, so I picked it up out of his hand. I started to look around again for Adam, when he plopped down next to me, two red cups in hand. He handed me one and took a big drink out of the other. I made a motion to hand him the pipe, but he waved me away.
“You go ahead, I’m taking a break,” he said, and I shrugged. I took another hit and started to cough.
“Easy, easy, take a drink,” he said, and I happily obliged. I smiled at him, and he smiled back. I took a big drink and burped. I covered my mouth a second too late, and Adam started laughing hysterically. I was so embarrassed, I felt my face turn red and I looked away. Adam kept laughing, and the more he did, the more embarrassed I became. He put his hand on my knee and I turned to look at him.
His eyes were wet with tears and he was holding his stomach with one arm. He kept trying to say something, but all that came out were whispered half-words. I started to smile, then chuckle, and then I was laughing just as hard as he was. My abdomen started to hurt, and my cheeks were sore from smiling. I took another drink and slouched sideways. I misjudged my direction and I fell into Adam. I slid down and ended up in his lap. He lifted his drink above my head so that I didn’t knock it over, and that made me start to laugh again.
I handed him the pipe I forgot I had in my hand, and he took another hit. After he exhaled, he handed it down to me on his lap. I tried lifting my arms to grab it, but I kept missing. He smiled and held it up to my lips. I took a deep breath in and held it. I looked up to see him staring at me, and I blew the cloud of smoke up at him. He smiled and leaned back. I lifted my head up a little bit and then lifted my drink to my lips and tipped the rest of it down. I tried to set the cup down on the floor, but it dropped from my fingers immediately after I moved to set it down. I set my head back down and felt Adam squirm a little. I wondered if I hurt him on accident, but decided not to ask. I just laid back and enjoyed the music and the warm.
I felt great. In fact, I felt the best I ever remembered feeling. I felt like I was wrapped in insulation, I was warm and comfortable. The music wasn’t too loud anymore, and it didn’t bother me that I laid in the lap of someone I had just met. I didn’t care that I drank what probably wasn’t just lemonade, and smoked what I knew to be illegal. None of that mattered, all that mattered was right then, right there.
Adam ran his fingers through my long brown hair. Every time he did, a shiver ran down my spine. I closed my eyes and leaned in closer to him. He smelled good.
I don’t know how long we sat there like that, but it felt like forever. And the best part of that was that I could have sat there for another forever and been perfectly content. He stopped playing with my hair, and I disappointedly opened my eyes and looked up at him. He was gazing down at me, and he said my name,
“Kelly? Kelly? You doin’ okay?” he asked, and I couldn’t do anything more than mumble a response that I doubt he understood.
“Mmhmm…I’m fine,” I got out, my voice was fuzzy to me, and I had already forgotten what he asked me.
He shifted under me, and lifted my head up. He was really strong, because to me, my head felt like it weighed just about one million pounds.
“C’mon, let’s get up,” he said, and helped me sit up. My hair fell in front of my face, but I made no effort to move it away. All the blood rushed out of my head, and black spots danced in front of my eyes. I came close to falling right back down, but he put his hands on my back and steadied me.
“Why’re we getting up? I was comfy,” I almost whined. He stood up and helped pull me to my feet. I fell forward and he caught me with his arms around my back. My shirt was pushed up and I felt his cold hands on my back.
“Careful,” he said, laughing. He kept one hand around my waist and we walked down the hall. Well, he walked, I half walked, half stumbled. I wondered if I bore any resemblance to Drunk Girl from earlier. But I knew I wasn’t drunk. I didn’t get drunk. I mean, I guess I might have been drunk, but I didn’t think so.
“Am I drunk, Adam, am I drunk?” I asked him, at the time I was sure that he knew the answer to that question.
“Nope, you’re just sleepy,” he said, and pulled me closer to him.
“Yeah, that’s right, I am really sleepy. I think I want to go to bed,” I said, and he smiled at me. I knew I wasn’t drunk, I was just tired.
We walked down the same hallway that Amelia and Drunk Girl did, and up the same stairs. I think he carried me up them, but I can’t remember. I doubt I got up them by myself, so he helped me in some way for sure. The hallway upstairs was crooked, the floor wasn’t level, and I couldn’t walk straight. Down the hall a door stood ajar, and when we made it that far (hours later), Adam pushed the door open with the hand that wasn’t holding me.
Inside, Amelia was standing up against the wall next to a window, smoking a cigarette. Adam looked in, and started to close the door and back out. I saw Mandy in the bathroom smoothing down her hair. Her skirt was crooked, and I laughed out loud. Amelia turned around just as the door was closing. She smiled when she saw me, but it faltered when her eyes fell on Adam.
“Hey Kelly, how are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m juss fine, ‘Melia. Mandy’s skirts all crooked,” I said, and started to laugh again.
“You’re drunk, aren’t you?” she asked, and I shook my head back and forth so violently that I almost fell over again.
“I’m just sleepy. Right, Adam, just sleepy? We’re going to bed,” I said pushed myself away from Adam and fell on the bed. I laid there and listened to the thump of the music coming from downstairs. I was pretty sure it was shaking the whole bed, so I held on to the covers so I wouldn’t fall off.
“What are you doing with her, Adam?” I heard Amelia ask.
“What do you mean? She said she was tired so I took her up here to get some sleep,” he said, and I heard Amelia bark a fake laugh.
“Yeah, okay, just for some sleep? Your eyes are bloodshot, have you been smoking?” he didn’t respond, “You have. Has she?” she asked, and I looked over to see her motion at me with her head. I waved.
“No, she didn’t smoke, she just drank,” he said. It sounded like they were arguing, and I didn’t want them to. I sat up and faced Amelia,
“I did smoke, ‘Melia, but just a little bit, not a lot, are you mad at me?” I asked her.
“No, Kelly, I’m not mad at you. Just lay down for a little bit and I’ll get you some water in just a second,” she told me.
“Ok, ‘Melia, I’ll just lay down,” I said, and did as instructed.
“Okay, so maybe she smoked a little bit. But not a lot, she wasn’t lying about that. What’s the big deal?” he asked, and now I could definitely hear the tension in the air.
“The ‘big deal’?” Amelia asked, “The ‘big deal’ is that she’s never drank before, she’s never smoked before…And…And look at her! She’s trashed!” she almost yelled.
“How is that my fault? I didn’t know that she never drank or smoked or whatever before, I barely know her name!” he said. I thought he was talking through his teeth because the words came out very forced.
“Yeah, that’s right, you barely know her name, but you can see that she’s drunk, you’re not blind. What I don’t understand is why you were bringing her in a room to ‘sleep’ when you know that she obviously has no clue about what’s going on!” she yelled. I heard Mandy say something, trying to calm her down, “No, get off, this skank was trying to take advantage of Kelly. Weren’t you?”
“Settle down, Amelia, you’re just as drunk as she is. And what the hell are you doing here with Mandy? What about Angie, huh? Did you forget about her?” Adam asked, and I heard a sharp crack, and knew that Amelia slapped him.
“Fuck you,” she said. She was quiet, but those words made me shiver, and I couldn’t imagine how Adam felt, “C’mon, Kelly, let’s go,” she demanded, and grabbed one of my arms, trying to pull me up.
“Are you going to tell Angie? She’s going to be so sad,” I mumbled, and that’s when she let go of me.
“What did you say?” she asked.
“I like Angie, why are you making her sad, ‘Melia?” I asked her right back, and she shook her head at me.
“Fine, if you’re going to be a bitch, you can walk home by yourself,” she said and walked out the door. Mandy followed her, and shut the door apologetically behind her.
I started to cry. I didn’t mean to be a bitch. I just didn’t understand why Amelia was cheating on Angie. They always seemed so happy together. I didn’t want her to be mad at me. She was the one who took me to the party; I thought I was doing what she wanted me to do. Didn’t she want me to drink and have fun, and meet a boy? I was so confused, because I thought I did everything she wanted me to do, and now she was mad at me. I kept crying, and Adam sat down next to me on the bed. He put an arm around my waist pulled me close to him. I leaned my head against his shoulder.
“She’s mad at me, isn’t she? She’s going to hate me,” I cried, and Adam started to play with my hair again.
“No, Kelly, she’s not mad at you. She’s just upset that she cheated on her girlfriend,” he said, and I started to slow my crying. He put his hand on my chin and turned me to face him, “She’s not mad, okay? Okay? So don’t cry, you’re cuter when you smile,” he said.
I smiled at him and he leaned in closer, he closed his eyes, and so did I. Before I could re-open them, I felt his lips on mine. I pulled away and started to giggle.
“What are you doing?” I asked, and he kissed me again.
“Kissing you, what does it look like I’m doing?” he asked, and pulled me on to his lap. The whole world spun around me, and I grabbed his shoulders, convinced that if I didn’t, I would fall of the edge of infinity. He kissed me on the cheek and held me around my waist. The walls slowed their spin and I was able to open my eyes all the way.
“I don’t think I feel very good. I’m really sleepy…and the walls, they just keep spinning,” I said, and fell off of his lap on to the bed. My head felt like it was full of cotton, and my limbs just hung at my side. I didn’t think I could stand even if I tried. Adam pushed the hair out of my face and kissed me again. I felt his hand at the bottom of my tank top, and then I felt nothing.
I don’t know how long I blacked out, but I woke up with the worst headache I’d ever had. It felt like my brain was too big for my skull, and it was just pushing and pushing. I sat up, and it intensified about a hundred fold. Black spots that clouded my vision flew around my eyes, and after they disappeared I realized that I had no idea where I was. I looked around and didn’t recognize anything. The bed I was laying on wasn’t the one in my dorm, and the guy next to me sure wasn’t anyone I knew.
I screamed.
There was someone sleeping next to me! I had no idea what was going on, but my scream woke the guy up, and he looked at me through half-open eyes and smiled. I felt a tingle of recognition. That smile was familiar, but I didn’t know why.
“Hey Sleepy, how do you feel?” he asked.
“My name’s Kelly, not Sleepy, and who –“ I remembered. Adam. He brought me a drink and we smoked on the couch. Then we came up here and Amelia and I got into a fight. I don’t know what about. Then I don’t remember anything. I rubbed my temples, willing my headache away.
“My head hurts, what the hell did I do last night? Did I drink?” Adam laughed. I took that as a ‘yes.’ I admitted to myself that I probably did know that it wasn’t lemonade that I drank, but just didn’t want to accept it.
“Nothing really happened. You were drinking, we smoked, then you were ready to crash so I took you up here and must have fell asleep with you, too,” he finished, and I wondered why he left out the part about Amelia, because I knew something happened between us. But, then again, I wasn’t completely sure, I mean, I did wake up having no clue where I was.
“What about Amelia? Did we get in a fight?” I asked him, and he broke our eye contact. He didn’t answer. I strained my mind, trying to think about what happened. I drew a blank, I didn’t know how Amelia and Angie did this every weekend.
“Was it about Angie?” I asked. Things started to come back little by little.
He nodded, “Yeah, um, Amelia was up here with another girl,” he said, and I felt my heart break for Angie, “She thought you were being bitchy to her, but you were drunk, and I’m pretty sure she was too, I wouldn’t worry too much about it,” he said and pushed himself up to a sitting position, “Do you have a car here? You should probably get going,” he said, and I thought he was probably right.
“No, I walked with Amelia. I should probably get going though, what time is it anyway?” I asked, and he leaned over to pick up his cell phone on the ground.
“It’s uhh…12:30,” he said and snapped the phone shut. I groaned.
“Twelve-thirty? Shit,” Not only did I not have enough time to finish my paper, I was already a half hour late to class. I told Adam that, and he suggested lunch.
“I can’t go out to lunch, I’m already late!” I said. I thought he was being ridiculous. Running late and he wanted me to go to lunch, ha.
“Yeah, you’re late. You’re really late, in fact,” he said, and I thanked him for making me feel better, “No, that’s not what I mean. You’re too late. You can’t just walk into class, and you know it. Have you ever skipped class before?” he asked, I shook my head no, “Well, you’ll find it’s surprisingly not painful. Now, c’mon, I’ll take you out, I feel bad for letting you drink too much,” he smiled again. He had a cute smile, and I didn’t mind the way his hair was tousled. I couldn’t help but smile back.
“Okay, you win, you can take me out to lunch. If I can eat, ugh, I feel like I’m dead,” I said and pulled the blankets over my head. He pulled them off of me and messed up my hair. I blew a puff of it out of my face and smiled back at him.
“Well, you look fantastic,” he narrowed his eyes and looked around sneakily, “I’ve got a secret hangover cure,” he whispered, and I was anxious to find out what it was. I was surprised when he pulled out his pipe.
“No, not that again, that’s what made me feel so badly,” I said, and pushed it away.
“You’re so cute. Weed isn’t what made you feel bad, that was the, um, ‘lemonade.’ Weed is what’s going to make you feel better, I promise,” he handed it to me, and gave me his lighter, “Now, only like…two hits. You’re kind of a lightweight, and I don’t want you to be completely blazed,” I took the pipe with apprehension. He nodded encouragingly, “It’ll just make your headache go away, and plus, food will taste a LOT better,” he said.
I took two hits, and as much as I hated to admit, it did make me feel better. I got up and closed my eyes, expecting a huge lightening bolt of pain, but there was only a dull thud. I smoothed my hair down as well as I could and tried to press the wrinkles out of my tank top. I still had my shoes on, and I didn’t think I brought anything else with me. As I pulled my tank top down, I recalled the last memory I had from last night, and that was Adam’s hand at the bottom of my shirt. I strained to remember, but I just couldn’t get anything but black after that.
I looked at Adam. He was bent over tying his shoes. I tried again to remember, but still got nothing. I started to get scared. I didn’t know if anything happened, and that was probably the scariest thing I had ever felt up until that point in my life. I hope we used something, I thought to myself, preparing for the worse case scenario. I started to feel dizzy, whether it was from the weed or from the thought that I might have lost my virginity and not remembered a single moment of it. The black dots started again, and I sat down on the bed. I put my face in my hands and rested my elbows on my knees. I felt Adam sit down next to me, and I felt that weird tingle of fear at the pit of my stomach.
“Hey, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” he asked me, and lifted my head from my hands, “Oh wow, you’re pale. Do you want me to get some water?” he asked, and I could tell that he was actually concerned. I shook my head, and after another dizzy spell, decided not to ever do that again.
I took a deep breath, “No, I’m okay. I just…can’t remember anything last night. Did we,” I paused, took another deep breath, “Did we do anything last night? Because I really don’t remember and I’m so scared,” I said, and felt my voice waver as my eyes started to water.
Adam put his arm around me and pulled me close to him, I hugged him tight and cried into his shoulder.
“Kelly, no, we didn’t do anything. Trust me,” he said, and pulled me to face him, “Trust me,” he said again, “I wouldn’t do that. You weren’t sober, and that’s a big ‘no’ in my book, so don’t worry,” he said, and for some reason, I believed him.
He ran his finger under my eyes, taking my tears with him. He smiled at me and I couldn’t help but smile back.
“Let’s go, I’m starving.” he said, and I wondered how he could be. I didn’t feel like I was going to throw up, but my stomach didn’t feel excited at the thought of food. Either way, I was ready to get out of this house. I thought it was weird, sleeping at someone else’s house. Not just because I was used to my dorm, but because I had no idea whose house it was. I looked around the room for anything I might be leaving behind. I noticed that there were a few empty red cups and burnt cigarette butts on the floor.
“Should we clean this up at all?” I asked Adam, and he laughed and shook his head.
“Nope. It’s not our house, and it was Steve’s fault for letting everyone over,” he said, and took my hand. We walked out of the room and down a hallway I found only vaguely familiar. At the bottom of the stairs we turned left and walked down another hallway. To my right was the couch I sat on last night, but there was a person laying on there that I didn’t recognize. I couldn’t help but laugh looking at him. One arm was draped over his face, the other over the side of the couch and his legs fell comically over the side of the armrest. I couldn’t imagine how he could be comfortable enough to fall asleep in that position. Adam looked over at me and wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me close to him. We walked out into the noon sunlight and it hit me like a brick.
The dull thud I felt before was transformed into a series of ice picks digging into the areas right over my eyebrows. I rubbed my temples and walked with my eyes shut, trusting Adam to guide me away from anything I might run into while temporarily blinded. After a minute or so of soothing my pains in my head, I opened my eyes. Slowly at first, then all the way. The sun was behind a cloud, and I sighed with relief. We walked down the street like this for a few blocks before he pointed out where he was taking me for lunch.
“There we go!” he said, and walked a little quicker. I didn’t object, I had to admit that I was a little hungry. Okay, more than a little. It felt like I hadn’t eaten in a week and I was just about ready to kill someone to get a glass of water. I looked up and saw the sign for Noodles & Company up ahead. I made a note in my head that this man had very good taste in food.
We walked into the restaurant and I stared at the menu above us trying to decide what to eat. Everything looked delicious. Adam didn’t hesitate at all, and he walked up to the register and told the checker that he wanted macaroni and cheese. I instantly decided that was the best choice I could make. He looked over at me and asked what I wanted.
“I’ll take mac and cheese too, sounds great,” I said and reached for my wallet in my back pocket. When I didn’t feel the familiar bump in my right pocket, my stomach dropped. I thought back to before Amelia and I left for the party and could see it sitting on the desk next to my laptop. I felt in my pocket once more for good measure before walking up to Adam and whispering that I didn’t have any money. He had a metal clip holding up a piece of paper with the number 18 on the top and he grinned at me.
“Don’t worry about it, let’s sit,” he said and started walking towards a table that was against the wall next to a large picture window. Before I could scoot my chair up to the table, a waiter had appeared behind me with our lunches on a tray. He sat them down in front of us and walked away. Adam started eating instantly, and I followed shortly behind.
After we had finished, he covered his mouth with the back of his hand and burped quietly. “That was delicious!” he proclaimed and sat back in his chair. I chewed my last bite and nodded in agreement.
“You didn’t have to pay for me, you know. Even though I’m so glad you did, that was fantastic,” I said.
“Yes I did have to pay for you, you told me yourself that you didn’t have any money,” he countered, and stuck his tongue out at me. I couldn’t help but smile and let him win. He glanced down at his watch and sighed. “I’ve got to get going, I’ve got class at two and I would like to shower the smell of booze and pot out of my hair. Do you need me to walk you to your dorm or do you think you can handle it?” he asked.
“I’ll be okay, you should get to class. Don’t skip like me,” I said, and he smiled. He stood up and stretched his hand above his head. I cracked my knuckles and yawned. My headache was almost all the way gone, and the food did a number on settling my stomach. We walked out the door and he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek.
“It was nice meeting you, and I had a great time at lunch. I’ll see you around, Kelly, yeah?” he said, and I nodded.
“Maybe I’ll even go to another party,” I said, but not without caution. The night before was fun, but I wasn’t sure if I could do it again, let alone every weekend. But the smile he gave me when I said that gave me a little push the other way.
“Great! See you soon then,” he said, and walked away.
I turned around and started to walk towards my dorm. I decided that I wouldn’t mind going to another party if I got to see Adam. I really liked hanging out with him, and he had the best headache cure I’d ever used. I walked for a few blocks not really thinking of anything in particular. Mostly wondering about what I missed for class and if Abby took notes for me. She usually did if I had to miss for being sick or other things. I decided that I just wasn’t that concerned. The top of my residence hall came into view as I walked up the hill leading into the courtyard. As I reached the doors and started walking up the stairs, I wondered if Amelia was still mad at me, or even if she was in the first place.
I turned the handle to our room and walked in. Amelia was sitting in her bed, typing on her laptop. She looked up when I walked in, and I saw her face relax. It looked as if she had been crying. She tossed the laptop off of her lap and on to the bed and she jumped up to hug me. I started to think that she wasn’t that angry at me.
“Where were you!? Holy shit, Kelly! I waited downstairs for you for like an hour. Did you really think I was going to leave you alone there with Adam?” she asked, and she said his name like it brought a sour taste to her mouth. I could barely breathe, let alone tell her that I had no idea what even happened last night.
“I guess I fell asleep too quickly. I really was tired,” I said, and as if on cue, I yawned. “But it’s fine, Adam and I walked to Noodles this morning and had some mac and cheese. I feel much better. I don’t know how you do it, Amelia, I really –“ I stopped. Amelia looked at me with her mouth open and eyes wide.
“You…Did…What?!” she asked, and this time it wasn’t her mischievous smile that made me nervous, it was the sheer disbelief I saw on her face. I didn’t know what shocked her. The fact that I drank and smoked? I was so confused, I thought that’s exactly what she wanted me to do!
“What do you mean? I did exactly what you wanted me to do. I got drunk and I met new people. What do you want from me, Amelia?” I asked, exasperated. She sighed painfully, as if I was some three year old that didn’t understand long division.
“I didn’t want you to do anything, Kelly. You wanted to go to a party, remember? I just gave you what you wanted.” I stared at her. The emotions running through my head made it ache more, and I wished Adam was here to let me take another hit; anything to make my head just settle.
“I…I don’t even know what to say to that,” I said, and left it at that. It was the truth. I had no idea how she got that idea into her head, I just didn’t understand anything.
“What you can say is that you didn’t sleep with Adam. Right?” she asked. When I didn’t respond, she asked me again, “Right?!” she almost yelled.
“Yes I did. I mean, no, I slept with him but I didn’t sleep with him. No sex.” I finally mustered out. I took a slow breath and organized my thoughts into one good sentence, “Yes, I fell asleep with him. No, we didn’t have sex. We went to Noodles this morning and then we said goodbye. It was no big deal, Amelia. No big deal.” I said, and she shook her head at me. I was getting pretty sick of being treated like I was beneath her, like I was some naive child that had no clue how to handle herself. I could feel anger start to grow in the bottom of my stomach, and I clenched my teeth together.
“It is a big deal. It’s a really big deal,” she said, in her all knowing omniscient tone. I bit down harder.
“And just why is that, Mom?” I asked her through my teeth.
“Because, Kelly. Adam’s what we in the grown-up world call ‘a manwhore.’ Do you know what that means?” Of course I did, but I didn’t get a chance to answer her ridiculous question because she just kept right on talking. “That means that he sleeps with a lot of girls. Not just ‘sleeps’ with them, but has sex with them. And I don’t mean a few, I mean a lot. And you shared a bed with him. How do you think that makes me feel?” she asked, and once again answered herself, “It makes me feel scared for you, Kelly. I’m just concerned.” She said, and I strongly considered leaving the room, it seemed as if she could hold a perfectly fine conversation by herself, so I didn’t feel needed.
I took a deep breath and counted to five. I couldn’t remember the last time I was actually angry like this. But then again, I couldn’t remember the last time one of my peers was treating me like a child. “That’s fine. You can be scared for me, but your fears are unfounded. Look, you took me to a party. Then you ditched me. No, wait, you ditched me to cheat on your girlfriend. So I met someone. I drank. I smoked. I did exactly what you wanted me to do and now you’re reprimanding me like I’m 6 years old! I’m sick of it! I had fun like you wanted me to, and there’s no way you can justify the way you’re treating me right now!” I yelled. I had to breathe heavily to catch my breath. I think that was the first time I’d actually yelled at someone.
Amelia stood staring at me with her mouth open. Her face turned bright red and she threw up her hands in the air and turned around. She fell on her bed and faced the wall. I started to feel badly.
“Amelia? Amelia. Look at me,” I asked her, and she didn’t move. Not only did she yell at me, but now she was refusing to even look at me. I wanted to tell her to stop acting like a freshman in high school, but instead I apologized. “I’m sorry. You’re right, it was my first party and I might not have known how to handle myself. But I did, I do now. Thanks for looking out for me, and I’m sorry if I scared you,” I finished. She looked up at me.
“Ugh, I can’t be mad. Sorry for being over protective. Next weekend I promise I’ll hang out with you and let you do your own thing. Just be careful around Adam, okay Kelly?” I shot her a look that told her to watch it. “I know, I know. Over protective.” she said, and smiled apologetically.
I couldn’t help but grin back. Things were okay, and that was good. I wondered what she meant by “next weekend.” I hope she didn’t expect me to go to another party. As much as I enjoyed meeting and spending time with Adam, I just didn’t know if I could do that for another weekend. And I was definitely positive that I couldn’t miss another class. I glanced over at my laptop. My paper still wasn’t done. I looked at my bed. I weighed the two options in my head, whether or not to get my paper done or take a nap. I yawned, and my decision was made. I pulled the blinds shut and laid down. I knew Amelia had to leave for class ten minutes later, but I never heard her go out. I was asleep almost before my head hit the pillow.
The next week went by very much like the many weeks before it. I got my paper done and handed it in late, which earned me nothing more than a questioning look from my professor and a B- instead of an A-. I didn’t feel any different from the way I felt before I partied. My grades didn’t suffer (well, not that badly), I didn’t have any new close friends and no one looked at me like I was a bad ass. But, people did look at my a little differently. Like they knew. They looked at me like the knew that I got drunk and smoked, like the knew that I wasn’t the same girl I was before. It was almost like they had a certain quiet respect for me that they didn’t have before. I didn’t know how they knew what I did, but I knew that they knew. You know?
Amelia and I actually talked. I didn’t just listen to her, I finally felt like I had something to contribute to our conversation. It was weird, to say the least. I couldn’t understand how one night of partying could lead to not only a different perspective from my part, but a newfound agknowledgement of my existence from my peers and everyone around me. The days flew by and before I knew it, it was Friday again. When I got back from class, Amelia was sitting on the edge of her bed. She sat up straight and tapped her fingers on her knees like a little kid waiting to open Christmas presents. For the third or fourth time that week, it made me a little nervous.
“Heeeeey,” she said with a grin, “You ready?”
“Ready for what?” I asked, already knowing what she wanted.
“I found a party. We’re going, and this time I’m going to hang out with you, and I promise you that.” she said. I almost made a comment about how well it worked the last time, but I refrained (with quite a bit of effort). I also almost told her I didn’t want to go, but I learned a few more things about Amelia in the past week. Number one was most definitely the fact that ‘no’ wasn’t really an option in her book.
I sighed. “Okay, where are we going?” I asked, and her face immediately lit up. I could tell that she didn’t expect me to give up so easily.
“Just wait, you’ll see.” She threw some clothes at me, and I put them on. This time not bothering to turn around or sheild myself, I knew she didn’t care. My wardrobe this time consisted of another pair of jeans, black and faded this time, and a tight black t-shirt. I was satisfied that it wasn’t a tank top this time, and that was for sure. I pulled my pny tail out and let my hair cover my shoulders. Amelia came over and put her fingers through it on each side of my head. Then she m oved them back and forth really quickly and took them out. I looked in themirror, and I had the hair that I wanted. I guess it wasn’t that hard in hindsight. I felt like she had let me in on a little secret of hers, and in that moments I think we really became friends.
“Ready to go?” she asked, and I nodded. I was ready.

To be continued.