Vera Returns To Marta City (Ch.11b) : Meeting Mother Again (Part 2)

‘Now you seem to be more like a real woman,’ said Mother.

Part 2

‘Was I not before?’ She had always been irritated when Mother made such statements before to her. She disliked normally the lack of rationality in the statement, and resented that a woman who did nothing and knew nothing could make such judgements about her. Vera had no choice. She had to be as she was. Her education and her career made her so, if there was any truth in what Mother said at all. She was only as millions of other thirty year old women must be – doing her best being what she had to be, earning her living and seeking to be successful, was that not the normal way? Now she felt different. Luvius and the return from space had changed her, she knew. She was here for once with an open mind to hear what Mother had to say. She was willing this time to learn what it was that made her mother say these things about her.

‘What do you mean, Mother?’

‘I always annoyed you when I said that, didn’t I? You did not like criticism, did you? And you took it as criticism when I did not mean it that way. It as an observation only, that is all. A part of your maturing. I think you have matured all of a sudden. Space has done you good, child. I did not think it would. This Luvius has done you a lot of good. I wish for your sake that you had met him a long time ago. But maybe your path was necessary.’

Why did Mother seem to know so much about her? She had opened her heart out only for minutes, but Mother seemed to recognise the keys which operated in her life at this moment.

‘I have changed, Mother. Everything looks different now. I have had a taste of real life and I won’t be able to forget that. Although they have forced Luvius and I apart it’s too late to stop the understanding he gave me.’

‘What has he taught you, Vera?’

She thought seriously about that question for a moment before answering. ‘He taught me that there is more to our lives than we are told. Our lives should not be devoted purely to fulfilling work targets or learning. Lives are to be enjoyed, and to be shared. He taught me that we should not live on our own. There is great fulfilment from sharing ourselves with others. That way we give to others and receive from them. He also taught me that we should make the most of our youth and our life while we have it. Now we have been separated and my loneliness will probably return. But I have learned much about the value of life and I don’t think my life will be the same again.’

‘You will see Luvius again. Your relationship need not be over,’ reminded Mother.

‘No, of course it is not over. I will meet him on the Vidnet often, when we are not working. But it is not the same. I will not be able to touch him.’

‘He could get another post, in Marta,’ suggested Mother.

‘Maybe, but that is not easy. He has a good position now. His career would suffer. To return to Marta would be a demotion for him. MIOST would not be impressed, and MIOST may not have a convenient position for him.’

‘From what you have told me of him he does not count his career as most important. Surely he would take a cut in credits to be closer to you,’ suggested Mother.

‘He probably would, but MIIOST made sure we could not be together on the space station. I don’t think they would post us nearby at the moment. It is a kind of punishment, I think.’

Mother shook her head meaningfully. ‘Ah, the lengths they will go to for their efficiency. It is so sad.’ Mother was apt to believe the worst of all employers, and took her words for read. Vera still rationalised somewhere in the back of her head, as she always had that MIOST and every other organisation was impersonal, driven by economic and sometimes legal imperatives only. There was, and could be, no animosity or irrationality in their dictates. They had separated them on the space station for work reasons, but maybe they would not concern themselves any more with a mere relationship, on the ground. After all many people did meet future husbands or boyfriends at work. Where else could most of them meet?

‘I am glad to see you’re out of the hospital again,’ said Vera, in an attempt to draw Mother into revealing her feelings. Often such a statement would open up Mother’s mouth and she would speak for long periods about why she went in and why she came out, what she felt while she was there and what other people in there were like. But such a question could just as easily bring a resistant retort: ‘You wouldn’t be interested;’ ‘Why would you want to know?’

Indeed Vera had not normally shown great curiosity about Mother’s stays in the institutions in the past. Now she was more interested than she had been in a long time. Mother was showing a depth of understanding which Vera only occasionally had perceived before.

‘I needed the company of others like myself. I was lonely, again. You and Jon didn’t understand, and you father was always away. That is why I go there sometimes,’ she said.

‘Mother I’ve never understood why you seem to blame us for your loneliness. I always resented that blame, because I was only doing what I had to do, and Jon as well, and Markus, and Dad as well. I couldn’t afford the time to come round every few days and keep you company while you watch Vidnet. I had to work and study, and I needed some time for myself too.’

‘I wanted you to come back and live here,’ said Mother, ‘but I knew you wouldn’t do that.’

‘You needed to go out more. I said so many times but you ignored me. I wanted you to go out and get a job, do some study. It would have done you good, given you something to do. Hopefully it would have given you meaning in life again.’

‘No,’ Mother vigorously shook her head to reinforce her discounting of that idea. ‘Work out there doesn’t make anyone more contented. Look what it’s done to you. I know you had to work and I have encouraged you, but can you now say that you enjoy your work, or your study?’

‘I don’t know what my next post will be like. I suppose it will be similar to what I have done before. But I may not like having to take a step back. I thought I liked my work, but Luvius has made me realise that I wasn’t happy. He showed me that there is far more to life. At the moment I can’t study, Mother. I look at it for a few minutes and end up staring into my walls. Then I start thinking about my life, how I resent the Tribunal which demoted me and how good life could be in the arms of Luvius or with a man. I also think how I would like to have my old friends back. I realise I have been uprooted and I have left all the old friendships I valued behind.

The dullness of the modern world. Vera perceived the stupidity of the life she had been leading, they had all been leading. Education from birth to the grave or retirement at last, and a hard education at that. It didn’t stop when the students finally began some work. It went on through their careers as a part of the struggle to get somewhere in life. The truth was that very few of them achieved what they had set out to achieve. Even those who reached important positions were in thrall to the other people in high positions. There were certain things top managers had some power to decide on, judgements that were not to do with costs or profits. Otherwise everything was to be decided on the basis of whether it could make or save a few extra [coins/dollars]. They might just have been computer terminals for all the real decision-making they were able to make. They were so predictable. Thus her actions in the space station had been judged to be affecting costs and it had been thought better to separate her from Luvius. Now she was back in Marta City at the Parts Testing complex. It as dull work, duller than the maintenance she had done while in space. At least maintenance was helping to keep the station up and working, protecting lives and safety and emergency maintenance in which she had participated on a small number of occasions was even more important. This made it more fulfilling. In Parts Testing the parts were usually within the safety and quality control limits in 99% of cases. Even when there were rejects there was little satisfaction in having done something useful as they merely went back to where they came from for minor alteration or scrapping. Most of her skills as an engineer were not needed. She wondered all the more why she had been trained so rigorously if this was all they needed her for. What was the point of it all?