Hugs Make You Feel Better

The car stops and everyone gets out and Paula's car is behind us and everyone gets out of Paula's car too. Paula's car is small and funny looking and it's bright orange. She says it's called a mini and that everyone used to have one but I asked Dad if he had one and he said no so that means that not everybody used to have one, so maybe it was just everyone in England and they all got them after Dad moved to Ireland to marry Mum. All the adults talk for ages and then Mum says something to Dad and then she kneels down next to me. “We're going to see Grandad now” she says. I don't know how we're going to see Grandad because he's dead now and when you die you go to heaven. But maybe if we're going to see him that means that he's not dead any more, or maybe the priests let him say goodbye to me and Mum and Dad and Paula and Sandra before he goes to heaven, or maybe he's not going to heaven at all and he's just moving very far away, even further than england and that's what happens when you die and only old people can go there. “No”, says Mum “he's still dead but he's inside and sometimes when someone dies their family like to see them one last time. He'll be lying down and he'll look like he's sleeping. You don't have to come in if you don't want to.” But I want to go in because I haven't seen Grandad in ages and the last time I saw him he bought me ice cream.

Inside it's dark and warm and very quiet and nobody is saying anything and Grandad is lying in a box on a table and everyone is standing around looking at him but he doesn't look like he's asleep like mum said. He looks like he's made of plastic and he's not wearing a cardigan like the last time I saw him and there's a picture of jesus on his pajamas and his arms are across his chest the way you have to hold them when you go down the big water slide like the one I went on when we went on holiday even though I wasn't supposed to because it was only for big boys. Then Sandra starts crying.

“He looks like he's about to wake up” she says and I look at mum to ask her if he is going to wake up but mum is crying too so I give her a hug and she picks me up and squeezes me really tight but I don't mind because she's sad and when you're sad hugs make you feel better. I look over at Dad and he's not crying because boys don't cry but he looks sad so I ask mum if I can give him a hug too because she told me that he might want to be left alone a lot but she says it's ok. So she puts me down and I go over to Dad and then he picks me up and squeezes really tight like mum did and I squeeze back because Dad's crying now too and when you're sad hugs make you feel better. He puts me down and he wipes his eyes with his hand which must hurt because his hand is very hard and scratchy but his face is scratchy too so maybe he doesn't feel it. I stay next to him incase he starts crying again and needs another hug and I look at Grandad to make sure he hasn't woken up yet. Then we all leave because Grandad has to go to heaven and I don't think anyone else is supposed to be there when he goes.