My Answer to companies that operate a system of buttons to press to get someone to answer the bloody phone. Written as the result of spending nearly two hours trying to get some technical help with my email account which is not working.
Their message which was coming every three or four seconds accompanied by what sounded like a funeral dirge and nearly had me eating my own arm:
'We are experiencing a high volume of calls and your call will be answered as soon as possible.'
My message when eventually someone answers the bloody phone.
If you wish to speak to the person who called please press one
If you wish to know the name of the person who called please press two
If you want your bill paid please press three
If you want the caller to be polite when you answer please press four
If you want to know what to do with your f**king email service please press five and an operative will be round straight away to stick it up your arse
If you want your email service accompanied by a squib up your arse please press six
If you want the squib removed from your anal orifice please press seven then you will be given a list of options. Choose the one most appropriate for your needs and then try to f**king get through to them.