The Rehearsal! late I.P.
The Rehearsal! Late I.P.
There we were all on stage awaiting the arrival of Chelsea, Chelsea Le Curr, our celebrated leading lady. She eventually turns up…falling down drunk.
‘Chelsea, daahling, whatever is the matter you don’t seem at all well,’ Julian Gay, our Director gushes.
Sandra, Chelsea’s understudy looks at me and whispers ‘Joe, would you believe it, she’s bloody drunk again?’
‘No change there then,’ I whisper back.
‘I can see now why you turned down the opportunity to understudy Ivor.’
Ivor Fondell, is Chelsea’s leading man.
‘Why Julian puts up with her I don’t know.’
‘Do you a bit of good if she got chucked out.’
‘I wasn’t thinking like that I just think it’s unprofessional. Besides, if Chelsea got the old heave ho, it would be me having to fend off Ivor’s advances.'
‘You’re wrong, I’ve seen him toadying round Julian hoping for a crumb off his table ever since we went into rehearsal,’
‘Whatever are you suggesting?’ said Sandra.
‘That Ivor’s taste runs quite the other way.'
‘You’re not telling me he’s a friend of Dorothy’s?’
‘Haven’t you noticed he always carries a bag round with him?’
‘Well, he would…she is his leading lady after all.’
‘Lookout, here she comes.’
’Let’s just hope she’s learned her lines or we could be here all day.’
‘Gather round my cherubs and let’s take it from the top. Chelsea Daahling, you need to be off stage at this point so that you can make your grand entrance.’ said Julian clapping his hands.
‘Would shome one be sho good as to direct me off Shtage. I would be eter…etern…eternally something or other, I can’t quite put my finger on it at the mo ‘cos’ seem to have mishlaid it.'
‘Come on, I’ll take you but you’ll have to find your own way back. Do you understand?’
‘Explichitly, dear girl, Wosh your name?’
‘Sandra, I’m your understudy.’
‘Oh, I am shorry because with me being the leading lady, you’ll never get the opportunity to shine.’
‘You think so do you? I wouldn’t bet on it.’
‘No, neither would I. Gambling is a very bad habit and so too is smoking and drinking. I never touch a drop that’s why I get sho much work. They know I’m the true professor… professnal, although I do admit to the odd fag now and then. But alcohol is something I just can’t take to.'
'Well now you’re off I had better take up my position back on stage.'
‘Yesh, you get back. I will follow ash soon ash I’ve been toodle loo.’
‘But Ivor will be saying his lines soon.’
‘Don’t worry, I’ll be there in plenty of time.’
‘She won’t be long Julian, She’s just popping to the loo.’
‘Give it five Ivor then go into your opening speech.’
‘Where is my beloved, my own chaste bride of just two hours?’
‘Never fear, Hushband, Your own chaste whatsername did only go for a tinkle.’
‘No, no, you must turn to Ivor as you say those words, daahling.’
‘Julian, she can’t do that…’
‘And pray why not?’
‘Her skirt’s tucked in her drawers.’
‘Shno matter. I could start a trend.’
‘Not when you’re wearing a size twelve thong but have a size twenty two bum.’
‘I’ll have you know bums are on the increase.’
‘Well, in your case that is not something I would disagree with.’
‘Now then, now then, daahlings, enough of this bitchiness.'
'Ok, Ivor, I think we had better take it from the top again.’
'Oh bloody hell, I told you I’ve got an important appointment later on.’
'Sandra, Daahling, pull her skirt down if only to get some light back in the room.'
‘Oh where is my beloved, my own chaste bride of just two hours.’
‘Claire? Claire? It’s your line now. Oh will someone wake her up.’
‘Well that went well. Are we taking a break now?’
‘No, Claire, we haven’t even started yet.’
‘Oh, fuck, has Ivor lost his lines again?’
‘No daahling, It’s you I’m afraid.’
‘Me, never, but in any event I really must take five. I need a cup of tea desperately.
‘More like a swig of Gin if I know our own dear, sweet, inebriated leading lady.' I said.
‘Surely you don’t mean the celebrated Chelsea Le Curr?’
‘I think it should be Chelsea Liquor. Much nearer the truth…’
‘Cmon, let’s get up to the canteen before this lot or there’ll be no time left for tea.’
‘Yes, you’re right. Have you got it with you?’
‘Yes, we’ve got a line each. You go to the ladies and I’ll go to the Gents’
‘Okay, you know, I only do Coke to keep me out of Ivor’s way.'
‘Because Ivor Fondell, our leading man, likes a fondle that's why I was surprised to hear you say he's a friend of Dorothy's.'
And Chelsea, our leading lady, likes her liquor.'
'There’s a lovely kind of symmetry to this production.'
'Ivor says his lines.'
'Chelsea forgets hers.'.
'And we their underlings inject a line. '
'Well, it’s the only way to get through these God awful rehearsals.'