Friends

Dedicated to Anton.

I quess we,ve all had one of those dreams that seems so real we question if it really happend or not. Feeling very uncomfortable, I questioned wether it was possible that I left the house, sleep walking or some thing? That idea was disconcerting enough but the thought of being with Anton was even worse. Most unerving of all was the feeling of being in love, to the extent it was overwhelming.

What struck me as a very odd was dreaming I was laying on top of Anton while both of us were fully clothed and wearing our shoes. He was telling me he knew I had a difficult time now I had a relationship with him.

The dream had such and impact on me that I actually avoided every place I may bump into Anton, fearing I would not be able to hide this feeling of love or that he would in some way know about the dream. Anton was a very old friend of my son,s who became a friend of the family. We used to go to places together, have parties and the usual things friends do.

Anton would have liked to have more than a friendship with me but the feeling wasn,t mutual. I once got very angry with him when he told me in my living room that he knew we would have a relationship in the end, he didn,t know when or how but he knew for sure we would. I think I told him he was dreaming and the only realtionship we,d be having was in his fantasy.

Shortly after that he gave up on the idea and married someone but we remained friends for years. Every New Year he,d ring me up and ask where I was and why I wasn,t at his party and off I,d go to his house with my daughter. After a few years he got a divorce and remarried.

Our contact was then limited to bumping into one another out side which was always great as Anton was a very happy sunny character and we were always really pleased to see one another. For a bout 3 years we hardly saw one another at all, in fact he,d been abroad for some time and I didn,t even know.

Once he was back from abroad we bumped into one another now and again and thats why I avoided certain places after my very real and disconcerting dream. About a month after this we saw one another unexpectedly in town and as usual greeted one another with a hug.

This chance meeting was very different.After our usual greeting which was a big hug nad peck on the cheek, Anton stood back from me with a look on his face that is hard to describe. He had an expresion on his face which lookedlike fear, his eyes looked empty, as if he were looking through some one else,s eyes or as if I were looking into a void through his eyes. The atmosphere was very tense and uncomfortable so I began to talk quickly about any thing and then we went our seperate ways.

A week or so later I heard Anton had been looking for me where I normally was on that particular day of the week but I hadn,t kept to my routine so he couldn,t find me.
I did look for him when I heard he,d been asking for me as I thought it may be something important but couldn.t find him so I left it at that. Some time later I was sitting at home and suddenly had a thought which was more like a voice or internal dialogue, asking "how would you feel if Anton died"? I wonderd if I was going a bit loopy and to difuse the sittuation, added out loud, how wouId feel if Charlie my littleYorshire Terrier died, which was as absurd but helped in the moment.

About four months after the dream, I got a phone call from some one I didn,t know who turned out to be Anton,s niece. Apparently he,d told her I was a very good friend and recited my phone number from memory, asking her to ring me. She told me he was in the intensive care after a weak blood vessel had burst in his brain and that he needen adn opperation. I was naturally very shocked and quite afraid ofwhat I,d find when I went to visit him but he next day a friend took me to see him.

Considering how seriously ill he was It was amazing he still knew my telephone number. A few days later he was operated sucessfully and although he was ill and could do nothing for himself, he was walking about after a few day. Unfortunatley he developed a high temperature, then had internal bleeding and was on the HIgh Intensive care Unit the next day when I went to visit him. In this unit only his imediate problem of internal bleeding was dealt with, not the problem which had coused the bleed.

He went back onto a ward within a week and things once more went from bad to worse. As soon as he was one the ward he told me he thought he was going to die and I got he doctor who was passing in the hall to come and see him and told her his fears. It was then discoverd that he had EColi which had got into his blood stream and damaged his hart valve.This had not been loked inot or worked on while he was in the Intensive care which meant the damage was increased over that period. He needed an operation to replace the damaged valve. At that point he was rushed to the Hart Intensive Care unit.

Once again in due course he was placed back on a ward where things deteriated even more. After hours of infuses in preperation for the opperation to replace the heart valve, this was cancelled as Antons blood was being broken down by the EColi and had they opperated he would have bled to death on the operating table.

Slowly but surely Antons conditioned worsend day by day but amazingly niether of us thought he would die. We talked about what he was going to do when he got better and because he believed, I believed. Only once did any doctor even hint that he may die. That was the day of the opperation that never happend when a doctor from a different department asked me if I knew they had a long way to go with Anton.

Anton and I grew very close over the nine weeks that he was in hospital and I visited him every day except Tuesdays. I worked as a Foot Reflexologist one day a week and my daughter went to visit him then. It caused us a great deal of pain and sadness that Antons family and friends, of which he had many, didn,t visit him except on occasion. We couldn,t understand it and niether could he.

From the begining of his time in hospital we,d been feeding Anton his meals, however little he ate as he couldn,t feed himself. I massaged his body with oil as his skin was dehaydrated and gave him Foot Reflexology treatments as this made him feel relaxed and eased his pain. I also gave him Reiki which also relieved some of his other pains.

Not having had much contact with Anton for the three years preceding his hospitalisation and being a therapist, in the early days when I visited him thats how I felt. More like a threrapist than an old friend. I was very uncomfortable when he asked me to feed him and give him a drink and even more so when asked to hold his urinal while he peed in it. Tending to asickpersons needs was new teritory for meand I didn,t feel confident or comfortable with it, to start with.

On the one hand I felt more like a therapist while incontrast Anton was acting as if I was his wife and always did these things for him. I was confused, the hospital staff were also confused as he did in fact have a wife who visited him on occasion for a few minuttes, to protect her own interests that is. Anton told my daughter he was going to marry me in the future but that I didn,t know it yet which, was more worrying.

One day while I was siting next to his bed and we were looking at one another he suddenly told me he loved me and that he knew I didn,t believe him, he,d always loved me. Of course I minimilzed it and told him he just thought he loved because I was there being a friend as thats what friends are for. Friends help each other and are there for one another and that I loved him as a friend.

On a few occasions I really felt for Anton as he,d sat and cried about how I was the only one who was always there with him while his family and friends of that time had just abandoned him. His nephew who he actually lived with, his brothers, aunties, nieces and all the rest had simply deserted him. assumingly because it was the easiest thing for them to do. My daughter and I could never understand that if we lived forever.

Being so ill and immoble meant the only options left to Anton was fantasising, talking, making plans and having a lot of eye contact, so apart from the routine of making him as comfotable as I could physically, I just went along with him. This close way of just being ultimately brought us very close together. This was extremely intimate and intense so our closeness turned into a very strong love for one another. As time went by Anton asked me if I loved him and was I sure. I could honestly answer him I truly loved him hart and soul.

In fact I can pin point the precise moment this happened. I was watching him while he slept, just waiting for him to awake as I had done many times before. On awakening I noticed how the pupils of his eyes dilated then contracted like a ripple on a pool, as they openend. There was such a powefull love eminating from him that I felt my defences disolved and my barriers melted. I felt the love and thats the only way I can describe it.

Anton had in fact changed my mind from the definate no of the preceding 20 years to a yes with reguard to having an intimate relationship with him. Both of us believing in the illusion that he was going to recover and would be coming out of hospital, alive. There was a great deal of curiosity from the nurses about our very strong bond and intense closeness. They,d ask me who I was, his wife, his lover, soul mate, the one and only, for ever firend etc? I always said just a good friend, wondering myself who I was and what my role was in it all.

On one occasion as I sat with Anton it was as if I enterd another dimention, standing on the edge of a world that he was half in and half out of. It was a dimension of shimering, pastle colours and light. Like pink cadifloss or veils made of light and very serene. I experienced unconditonal love in that moment. It wasn,t like the love one has for a friend, lover, husband, family member or the love for one,s a child or a pet. It was an all encompasing, living, breathing, life its self love, just being love.

Anton was eating less and less and at the same time getting visably sicker as the time progressed. If I could, I would have gone into the jaws of death and fought with any force I encounterd there untill I,d conquerd it, in order to keep Anton safe. Unfortunately that was just a image in my mind, nothing more than a thought, a desire.

At the weekend before Anton died, when I arrived to visit him he asked me why I,d taken so long to get there and why I,d left him alone for so long. The nurse told me he was less anxious when I was there and on this occasion he,d been given Morphine as he was short of breath. I was surpised to know I was a comfort to him as I didn,t realize it made that much difference till she actually told me.

During this period, Anton was very afraid, he had terrible nightmares, too terifying to to tell me what they were about. In a trembling voice he let me know couldn,t say the words. I felt his nightmares were about his death, dying and his fight with what ever demons he was encountering. He did tell me he was fighting hardin these night terrors and waking fears.

On a monday when I enterd Anton,s roomI saw how strange his mood was. He didn,t greet me but sat there looking very arrogant, not at all his usual self, as if he were someone else and not the inhabitant of his own body as he looked phsysically different. He told me no one needed to visit him just because he was in hospital and that included me, when I asked if that was what he was getting at.

All the weeks of going to the hospital every day except Tuesdays had taken its toll on me and I was very hurt and upset at being rejected. More so as I realized in an instant what this meant. Distancing one,s self from loved ones and life in order to make the transition from life to death easier. Anton then told me he had pain from his pain and asked me if I knew what that felt like. I put my head on his knees and cried and said I found it difficult too, seeing him so ill and not being able to help him or change it. He didn,t react.

After leaving the room and retuning shortly after, Anton began to speak again, telling me he wasn,t angry with me, just angry about the sittuation he was in. I stayed for a while, during which time I asked him if he rememberd telling me in my living room some twenty years earlier that he knew in the end we would have a relationship but he didn,t know how or when he just knew for sure we would. He rememberd of course, I told him he was right and he lauged a bit and told me he knew. I had my coat on and was ready to leave but he asked me to give him his cup of tea before I went home, so I did.

Once outside the ward, I broke down in tears as I knew he,d taken his deciesion. I told the nurse but she believed he had more fight in him and wasn,t giving up and not to take it to hart that he had been mean to me. He didn,t mean it and we were so very close and that he was much less anxious when I was with him. Accouriding to this nurse it was the moment that coundted in such sittuations.

At home when my daughter heard about what had transpired and told me Anton had better not die when she went to see him the next day. Tuesday afternoon when she left work early and arrived at the hospital she heard from all the nurses that Anton had told them she was visiting him at one oclock. He was quiet when she arived and didn,t answer when she greeted him, he was looking towards his right hand side.

Suddenly the doctor and several nurses ran in the room and stood around Antons bed, and were telling my daughter to come closer. She saw something was going on and wanted to leave the room but was prevented from doing so, a nurse sat her in a chair next to the bed. She heard Anton make a noise as though he wanted to speak with his last breath, but just a sound came out of his mouth.

Anton had passed from life to death. Apparently from the moment my daughter enterd the room, Antons hart slowed down till it stopped. They say he waited for her to arive before entering the dying process. The niece who rang me on Antons behalf at the beginning of his hospitalisation was there that day. About a quarter of an hour before his death he,d told his niece that he had to accept and she had to accept that his body couldn,t continue to live any more.

I went sraight to the hospital and got Antons clean clothes out for him, for the last time and said my goodbye. My daughter was very upset that he,d waited for her to arive before dying but his niece thought he,d chosen that option as he didn,t want to make me suffer by being there and knew my daughter could tell me exactly how his death was, and she is a part of me. On reflexion I also think it would have made it more difficult for Anton to let go had I been presant.

On many occasions I wonderd about the dream before any of this transpired. The only conclusion I could ever come to was that I was simply being prepared for what was to come and my specific role in the whole process. I made Anton a nice piece to put on his otherwise unmarkd grave and took some photo,s of it. It was apparently so nice a man at the cemetary told me to stick it to the tile or some one would steal it, so I did.

When I developed the photo,s of my little work of art on Antons grave, to my surprise I saw my cat in ghostly form by the grave as if on guard. I,d used a film that I,d used before to take photo,s of my cat, without realising it. Exactly one year later, on the very day Anton died while my cat was at the vet,s it was discoved he had bowel cancer and I had to let him be put to sleep.

Sad and trying though the experience was, the supportive role my daughter and I both played and the honour of being a true friend till the end was some thing we,ll never forget. Doing the right thing was the only way for us and we both had the knowledge we,d done our best for our old friend. Its apparently who we are and what we do.

The circle was complete because Anton was our first friend here and we were his, spending a lot of time together for many years. My son who first befriended Anton before he bacame a friend of the family, saw him on the eve of his death. Anton was tired and just wanted to sleep so my son said it was ok to take that decision and follow it through, it was alright if he wanted to stop fighting and go with the flow. Anton told he thought he,d do that.

Going back in my thoughts to that choses Tuesday, after saying the last goodbye, to Antons stiffening and cooling body, which looked at peace. We left the hospital and visited my son to give an account of what had happened and remeber the good times together, from long before. It was about 9.30 when we arrived home. I switched on the light and the three light bulbs exploded with a bang, shatering on the floor. No doubt a last goodby from Anton, who,s soul was energetic enough to to manifest, one last time. The 5 light bulbs in our hall light had fused the day before his death also.

The next evening we went to the cinema, so as not to think when the darkness came. We didn,t really choose the film, any thing would have done but coincidentally it was appropriate., in answering some questions we had. It gave a good account about the effects of basing coke, and to some degree why Anton may have been partial to this pass time.

We knew his habits but just accepted thats what he did although we thought of it as prety disgusting. It wasn,t a reason for us not to like him,just because he was different to us in that way. He always had the decency to keep out of the way if he,d been into that. On one occasion wwhen I visited his house, he ran in his bedroom as he didn,t want us to see him stoned. Later he apologised and he told us this was out of respect, for us.

Thinking back to those first nights which were truly horrible, I shiverd from the cold, feeling damp as if I were packed in ice. My daughter thought I was with Anton in the freezer, on some level. It was as if I lived, breathed and slept with him. I walked with him and he talked with me, as if he were a fraction of a second, or the tiniest as yet undiscoverd distance, removed from the material world. There but not solid, as if life was just continuing for him but in a different way and being aware of it.

After a a very long time I told Anton he had to go further and do what ever he could to progress in what ever he was doing and where ever he was. Since that time we connect on occasion but not that we can,t let one another go any more. I have a very special place that I go to, which is Dogy Paradise , where we meet and spend time together. Then we go our seperate ways again.

Ironically, just two weeks before Anton was taken into hospital an old friend of his who,d come to Holland at the same time as him some 20 years before, died of a burst blood vesel in her brain. He arranged for her body to be taken back to her home land. When the blood vesel burst in his brain, he actually told the hospital what was wrong with him as he knew from his friends death.

Another cruel memory of that time was finding out while Anton lay in the intensive care, his house was being emptied because he was being evicted. Apparently while he was abroad his wife had kept the rent money and had made debts. My daughter and I both tried to stop the eviction but as it was, the circle was compleet. All the signs were there but we just didn,t see it .

One reocuring theme that arose time and time again in those last weeks was the meaning of true friendship and loyalty. I found myself stressing what this meant as if it were of the utmost importance that Anton realised this and didn,t forget, no matter what happend. When he died it made me wonder if the experiences we have in life remain as stored information for the the next level or round two. If indeed these are a reality and not just fancifull passifiers for escaping death being the absolute, of over and out big time.

In hind sight it seems that every thing is connected forming a tapestry, jigsaw puzle, calidascope of events. We had our little role to play. The dream, internal dialogue and knowing without being able to pinpoint what, were simply things the soul knew. It only fell into place after the event and we wonderd why we didn,t see it at the time. I think had I not missed what was right in front of me, I couldn,t have done what I was primed to do advance, which was to have a relationship with my clothes on and just to be there for a friend.