It Was Love At First Sight

It Was Love At First Sight

By: Michael Lawrence

It was love at first sight.

Okay, maybe it wasn't love at first sight, because on first sight,
there was a huge zit on her forehead, so I'll start over.

***

It was love at second sight.

Wait a second! Doesn't this sound familiar? Why it does! This story
starts out very similar to something that I have read before, several
times even; a classic I believe. Well, I wouldn't want to copy Hugh
Heffner and his first edition of Playboy, so I will start over
again.

***

It was the third sight to which I loved her.

Man! I messed up again! It wasn't on the third sight, it was the
second! Because on the second day of high school her zit was gone and
that's when I fell in love with her.

Rats! I'm sorry! I completely messed the beginning of this story up, so
I think the best thing to do is to start over from the VERY
beginning.

***

It Was Love At First Sight

By: Michael Lawrence

It was the second sight to which I loved her.

On that day, perhaps the greatest day of my whole adolescent life, I
was blessed with the most beautiful, gracious, intelligent,
invigorating, and unforgettable woman that I have ever had the
privilege of meeting before. Oh! And her name is the most beautiful
thing you'll ever want to hear! Her name is-- uhhh?well?hmmm?lemme
see?

I know what you're thinking! I haven't forgotten her name for goodness
sake! Do you think that I would go and tell you that she has the most
beautiful name in all the world when I don't even know what it is? Fat
chance, buddy! I know her name?no problem? it's just that I don't know
how to spell it. But it sounds something like: Gwa-doh-loo-pay. Well,
Gwa-doh-loo-pay has this most incredible accent that sounds like it
came directly from Transylvania. Whenever she talks, it sounds like
she's about to suck my blood or something. Like she's the Countess
Dracula!

Hey! I have an idea for a new beginning!

***

It was the second bite to which I loved her.

Uhh, no. On second thought, that really isn't such a good beginning
after all because she hasn't bitten me?(yet.) So, until then, let's
just go along with the "It was the second sight to which I loved her"
beginning.

***

It was the second sight to which I loved her.

Well, like I was saying before I had that stupid idea about another new
beginning, Gwa-doh-loo-pay has this accent that sounds like it comes
directly out of Transylvania.

I'm no dope! Since I almost passed history class the second time I took
it, I know that Transylvania no longer exists in Europe. The borders of
Transylvania have changed making way for a bunch of new and improved
little countries (they're making everything smaller and more compact
these days!) One of those improved, compact countries is where my
wonderful Gwa-doh-loo-pay is from. The beautiful country of Spain.
She's from Mexico City, Spain to be exact.

Oh, guess what? I have some really good news to my readers (you)! I
have just received the correct spelling of Gwa-doh-loo-pay's name from
a very reliable source! It's such a beautiful combination of E's, A's,
N's, and sideways N's! It's spelled: Esperanza. Doesn't the look of it
send shivers down your spine like a hog dancing in a pasture? (required
simile no.1)

Well anyway, on the second day of high school, I was listening to the
teacher's lecture in third period. The teacher's name is The Vicious
Demoness, or as our mortal parents call her, Mrs. Jasper, who always
gives out these insane, impossible-to-do tests. You know, I never
actually figured out what the name of that class was? come to think of
it, I don't even recall what it was about. But that's completely beside
the point.

Instead of paying attention to the demoness like I usually do everyday,
I paid very close attention to Esperanza. She is the most beautiful
woman I have ever seen in my entire adolescent life! I just stared and
stared; I couldn't remove my eyes for just one second. And do you know
what? Sometimes she looked back! And do you know what she did some of
those times when she looked back at me? She smiled! And do you know
what happened every time she smiled back? My heart melted like ice in a
panther's mouth! (required simile no. 2) And do you know what else
happened some of the times when she smiled back? I nearly peed my
pants! And it was at one of those magical moments when I knew that this
was a relationship to last a lifetime.

Esperanza came directly from Mexico City and, like many people from
Spain, she isn't very good at understanding English. Especially in that
class! I mean, it's hard for the normal American to actually understand
what satanic chants that demon-woman mutters during lecture. So, you
probably can imagine what it would be like for someone who had just
arrived from an Italian speaking country. I noticed, as I stared into
her beautiful eyes how they looked like they wanted to scalp The
Vicious Demoness for speaking in that incomprehensible English dialect.
And by the looks of it, it would be the most beautiful scalping to be
done ever in the history of the United States of Canada.

Well, on that second day of school when it was the second sight to
which I loved her, after The Vicious Demoness was done with her evil
chanting, Esperanza approached me and said:

"You'd better clean that up, Sonny."

Oh shoot! I'm sorry! That's what the janitor told me at lunch! I'll
start over again.

***

It was the second sight to which I loved her.

Okay. Here's what she said:

"I cooldn't help but noteese zat you were lookeeng at me dureeng zee
class tooday." And, of course, at that moment, I realized that she was
begging me to turn on my natural fountain of charm.

"Why yes," I responded, wiggling one of my eyebrows. "I couldn't help
noticing how your?oh how should I put this? outrageously bodacious
eyeballs kept fluttering whenever I casually glanced over at
your?verrrry sexy body." Esperanza smiled with excitement.

"Zee nerve!" Esperanza yelled as she quickly turned her head, brushing
her sweet-smelling hair directly into my face, a surefire sign that she
wanted me.

Of all the days of my adolescent life, that was one of the greatest,
but wait until I tell you about when we went on our first date!

***

It was the sixty-fifth sight to which I loved her.

October 16th. I remember that day like a sturgeon flapping in
sauerkraut (required simile no. 3). I was sitting in second period
class to which The Vicious Demoness' Royal Bodyguard, or as our
highly-mortal parents refer to as Mr. Bork, taught. I think it was a
science class of some sort. Yes, now that I think of it, it was
biology, because I remember The Vicious Demoness' Royal Bodyguard
talking about similes. Come to think of it, that is the class that I'm
writing this paper for! Oh crap! I'm sorry, Mr. Bork! You're not The
Vicious Demoness' Royal Bodyguard! I was talking about your mother!
Oops! I didn't mean that! You're mother isn't a vicious demoness! Heck,
she isn't even a bodyguard. She isn't even royal! (Boy, I wish my
hamster didn't have to chew off my backspace key.) Uhh, please forget
that I wrote that while I start over again.

***

It was the second sight to which I loved her.

Wait, aren't we passed that part? I thought so.

***

It was the sixty-fifth sight to which I loved her.

That beautiful, long, brown, wavy, full, beautiful, long,
sweet-smelling, wavy, full head of hair that had blessed my face on
that day to which it was the second sight to which I loved her, was
beckoning me once again. During that fateful class period, I flirted
with her by waving my little pinky slowly up and down while staring
into her beautiful, long, brown, wavy, full, and sweet-smelling eyes.
At exactly that same time, I paid full attention to my absolutely
favorite teacher in the world, who has absolutely no connection with
evil teachers from the underworld, whose mother is absolutely not
vicious in anyway, whose chair I absolutely did not put a sharp thumb
tack on top of on October15th, and who I will absolutely sue if he
tries to strike me in any way. Did I mention, Mr. Bork, that your
influence upon me has been like a donkey's influence is on a farmer's
rumpus? (required simile no. 4)

Esperanza fluttered her eyes in a sensuous manner, pleading that I
approach her after class.

"Good morning, Guadalupe," I said to her in that highly suave manner of
mine.

"My name eez Esperanssa! And go away!" she yelled with glee.

"My turtledove?" I started, noting her eager anticipation to what I was
about to say next. "May I bless your Friday night with my presence?
Perhaps at the cinema or at the Women's Bikini Mud Wresting
Championship?"

"Zee nerve!" she said, happily. "Een all my day I have never met such
an eensolent like yourself! Zee absolut nerve!"

"So you will come?" I asked her wiggling both of my eyebrows.

Esperanza smiled and said nothing. Her lips puckered as if she wanted
me to kiss them, but she turned around quietly, teasing me, wanting to
wait until Friday night in the privacy of my very own Pinto. Instead of
saying lovely words out of those thick, beautiful lips accepting my
invitation, she left me something even better to treasure. An imprint
of her very own heel pressed firmly upon my toes that will forever
remind us of our eternal love together.

***

On that Friday night, around 9 o'clock, I approached the front door of
her house which, the flirt, made me find out the address by bribing an
office proctor. Her mother answered the door.

"Esperanssa eez out weeth her boyfriend at zee momeent," her mother
said.

"Mrs. Hernando---" I started.

"That's Bodieu," she interrupted.

"There seems to be some mistake, Mrs. Hernando," I continued. "I am her
boyfriend." Mrs. Bodieu looked at me with proud eyes knowing that I am
to be her son-in-law.

"You?" she asked, almost yelling. "I don't beleeve ett!"

"Yes, Senora," I responded.

"Well, she left an hour ago! You were suppozed to meet her at zee
ceenema!" she said, almost yelling again. I looked at my wristwatch
wondering why Esperanza didn't want to ride in my 1975 Ford Pinto
sports car.

"Oh darn, I missed it! Thank you, Mrs. Hernando!" I yelled as I charged
for my brand new $50,000 luxury coup? and drove off for the
movies.

***

It was the sixty-sixth sight to which I loved her.

Unfortunately, I didn't ask Mrs. Bodieu what movie Esperanza was seeing
because I couldn't find her anywhere! And I looked all over the place
in the lobby and in the parking lot, checking every nook and cranny to
see if she was crying because she was in my absence. I gathered
however, that she was probably sobbing her lovely little eyes out in a
movie theater somewhere. So I bought a ticket to see a movie called
"Pinky the Clown Elephant" and began looking in and out each of the
individual theaters.

I finally found her in a theater watching a foreign movie, a French
film maybe. Well anyway, I know it was foreign because it had that
really strong Arnold Schwartzawhatever guy in it. Obviously not
American-made. I approached my beautiful Esperanza and right sat beside
her.

"Hello, Guadalupe," I whispered in her ear. She jumped, with joy.

"You?!" she said, excited. "What are you doing here?!" Somebody sitting
next to her turned his head. He was a really strange looking fellow. He
had a very thick neck.

"Is that man bothering you, Guadalupe?" I asked her.

"Heez my date!" she yelled. I was utterly confused, like a mudskipper
caught in a drought. (required simile no. 5)

"That's your date?!" I yelled (but Arnold Schwartzawhatever was
shooting the willies out of a Nazi, so nobody in the theater could hear
me or even really cared if I yelled.) "I'm your date!" I continued to
scream. "Why this guy is merely a prune!" That thick necked prune man
turned his head and his raisin eyes stared into my baby blues.

"Hayjisaminuu!" he screamed. I could tell that it was some form of
English, but I honestly couldn't understand what exact words were being
muttered. I think that big neck of his somehow affected his vocal
chords. "Juh wanna taki otsigh?"

"Why don't you speak English, you big donkey and back off from my
date," I hollered into his ugly eyes, jabbing my finger into his
absolutely humongous pectorals (but mine are better.)

"Steven!!" Esperanza yelled (she says my name beautifully, doesn't
she?) "What are you doeeng!"

"Jisitie, Ihaanildis," the brute said, patting Esperanza on the
shoulder in a manner in which I did not approve of.

"Hey just a minute you turkey jerk!" I yelled at him, thinking about
knocking his ugly lights out (but I didn't because I'm too
compassionate.) "Get your hands off my date!" To my surprise, he (ugly
prune man) obeyed. I am quite the authoritarian! Everyone listens to me
because I'm the big, tough guy! He took his hands off Esperanza, like I
commanded, and instead placed them upon my shoulders and carried me out
the emergency exit door (you know, the one that the movie theater feels
compelled to tell us where it is before the movie starts as if we're
too stupid to figure it out for ourselves) and he carried me to the
middle of the parking lot. Esperanza ran after us.

"Wesley!" she yelled (Wesley is it? That's the ugliest name in the
world!) "Put heem down right now!"

"Oill putem downalrie!" he yelled with his fist in the air. I stared at
it like I stare at broccoli. (required simile no. 6) But I always eat
my broccoli because I can take it like a real man.

"Wesley!" Esperanza yelled again, standing with her beautiful fingers
covering her beautiful mouth. "Don't! Stop eet!" Unfortunately (for me)
Esperanza isn't such an authoritarian like I am because the prune's fat
fist came down rather quickly and made contact with the areas around my
eye (ahhh, the things I have to go through for my love!) He dropped me
onto the welcoming pavement and laughed (well, I think that was a
laugh.)

"Rah hrah grah!" Prune man yelled, maybe laughing. "Hckhhahhh! Rah rah
ragh ragh ragh ragh!" Esperanza came running toward the dried plum. She
had a look upon her lovely face of tremendous irritation. (Boy, she
looks beautiful when she's angry!) She slapped that laughing dead fruit
on his wrinkly, prune face.

"Hruh?" he asked, the laugh-like noise ceased. "Bruggah! Hewrassa
botterinyah?"

"Go away!!" she yelled extending a pointed finger. He remained standing
there, looking blankly at her, arms extended. I remained, heroically
lying upon the pavement. "GO AWAY!!!!" The prune man looked ashamed,
but not nearly as ashamed as he looked after what I did to him in gym
class a couple of weeks later! I'll tell you about that tomorrow! The
prune walked away slowly with his ugly face toward the ground. When he
was out of sight, I was still on the pavement, Esperanza approached me
and knelt beside me.

"You are a loonateec," she said putting her soft, silky hand upon my
forehead. An absolute shivering shock traveled throughout my nervous
system! As if that didn't nearly paralyze me blind, Esperanza leaned
over and kissed my cheek. (I'm serious! She kissed my cheek! I can
still feel its impact to this day!) She then got up and walked away,
into the sunset. No, it wasn't into the sunset! It was ten o'clock at
night! Sorry! Geez! Now I have to start over again!

It was the sixty-sixth sight to which I loved her.

Esperanza got up and walked away, to the other side of the parking lot.
That kiss just left me speechless! If my nerves weren't frozen like a
Canadian caribou in the Ice Age (required simile no. 7) I would have
gotten up and asked her if she would like to go out for coffee and cold
cuts. (The cold cuts were for me.) But I didn't. Instead, I watched
that woman, the woman of my dreams, walk away slowly into the dark
expanse of the parking lot.

***

This was indeed the night of my life! I only wish that it didn't result
in a bruised face. My mom thinks I tripped on the cat and hit my eye on
our garden gnome. Oops! That's all I could think of at the time!

The End. This story is over like a de-feathered chicken (required
simile no. 8)

***

Oh no! I was supposed to use ten similes in this paper and I only used
eight so far! I'm in trouble like a mouse suffocating in a jar
(required simile no. 9)

***

Whew, now I only need one more simile! I'm as relieved as a student who
had just finished a biology paper the night before its due date.
(required simile no. 10)