Golden Memories: The Mysterious Implements

I had a rather fiery love-hate relationship with my mother, so when I returned home from the town where I worked, I was often shown the door. When this happened, I had to cadge accommodation for the weekend with my friends, including my rich buddy (see earlier story), He was very helpful in this regard and I retain many fond memories of the whole family and their generosity towards me.

One memory really stands out.

My friend was naturally quiet, modest and shy, but a lifetime of living in opulent circumstances had given him an understandable pride in his possessions. So, one evening he showed me a series of items ranging from a Rolex watch to quality leather coats and a canoe. Within his wardrobe, though, there lay a rather incongruous collection of kitchen implements - mainly cutlery.

When I asked him about these, he was uncharacteristically chatty, telling me in in some detail how these tools were his 'scrapers'

"Scrapers?" I said.

In a jovial, lewd manner he informed me that he suffered from fairly explosive flatulence and that his underpants were often so soiled he had to scrape off the crustier residues before daring to offer the garments to his mum for washing.

It reminded me of the old greeting we sometimes used at school:

"You're a good kid, but your shit floats".