Top Tips for Turbulent Times by Timothy Tomkinson

Domestic Tips

If it wasn't for friends, neighbours and relatives many old people would starve, simply because it would be impossible for them to penetrate modern packaging of food and drink. The basic plastic bag has always required a range of esoteric skills to open it, ranging from rubbing the edge vigorously (like a boyscout trying to make fire with a stick and tinder), blowing into the end of the bag, as if inflating an airship by mouth, and flicking the bag with magical fingertips.

My personal favourite has always been tearing into the top of the bag whilst screaming obscenities, and wishing death on the inventor.

Ringpull cans are ideal means of suicide as the razor sharp edges finally give way to a frenzied last effort with no prospect of control. My top tip here is to ignore the ring pull and use a tin opener. This is cowardly, but ensures you're not eating severed fingertips with your bake beans.

Bottled water has also been designed to drive arthritic pensioners insane. Without the deadly art of removing the cap collar first followed by a session in the kitchen door (used as a vice) failure is guaranteed. Top tip is to take your chances and use the tap.

Bubble wrapped merchandise is similarly impregnable, unless you happen to have a drawer full of sharp instruments. 'Success' then may ensure that the item cannot be returned if faulty - the packaging lying in a hundred shreds around the kitchen floor. Top tip is use bicarbonate of soda (because this is used in most top tips) and curse loudly.

If you will excuse me for now, I have a hundredweight of cornflakes to remove from the lino.

Next time tune in for motoring tips.