Animals, Integrity and Pints

Jeff threw the fourteen-hour old complimentary 4am Telegraph on their round table in an IBIS bar somewhere narrowly missing Pete’s pint of Peroni.

‘The PM wouldn’t know integrity if it jumped up and bit him on the arse.’

‘I’m not sure what it even means.’ Pete said, shifting his glass away from the roughed-up broadsheet.

Keith squinted at the iPhone in his hand.

‘Says here it means honourable - high morality – incorruptible - being good – trustworthy – doing things properly and a load of other stuff. . . . Well that lets us out.’

‘And every politician on the planet.’

‘And our MD.’ Keith chuckled.

‘Well I’m honest. I do things right.’ Pete said, looking hurt.

‘You’re in sales, Pete. Be real.’

‘That’s my job. Outside work I’m honest, I do things right.’

‘Like how?’

‘I, um, er. . . . I always pick up Robbie’s shit when we go for a walk.’

The others started laughing.

‘Yeah, laugh. Have you any idea of the size of the turds that come out of a Beagle’s anus?’

‘What that little squirt.’

‘Small dog big shit, mate.’ Pete shot back.’

‘I’ve heard that said about small men although it weren’t about their turds.’

‘And when he’s got diarrhoea it’s a full time job.’ Pete added, ignoring the lewd joke.

‘Not firm employment though.’ Jeff said laughing at his own joke.

‘Lucky you don’t have a Great Dane, you’d need a JCB when you go out.’

‘Our Tabby buries her do-dos. Now that’s integrity.’

‘Hardly, with it sitting there waiting for you to get it all over yer hands doing the weeding.’

‘My missus’s hands,’ Jeff giggled. ‘Told you I don’t have integrity.’

‘Or shit on yer hands.’

‘That’s gotta be the definition of no integrity, ‘specially where politicians are concerned.’

‘Too right, Keith mate. Big business too I reckon.’

‘Animals have integrity, they don’t know good from evil.’ Peter offered.

‘Surely that means they don’t have integrity.’

‘Yeah they kill things.’

‘Only for food or to survive, Keith. ‘Course they have integrity.’

‘Babies don’t know right from wrong. So according to Pete here they have integrity.’

‘Only until they’re about three.’

‘So Integrity is like virginity then.’

‘What’s virginity got to do with integrity.’

‘Integrity and virginity – a gift at birth to lose at will.’

Conversation killed – time for the next round. . . .

 . . . . Pete coughed up.