Without

i was having a great day. fantastic. it was friday. the work week
was over. i stopped by the coffee shop and got my favorite treat,
frozen mocha delight, extra chocolate and whipped cream. i was planning
on a relaxing weekend...

my phone rang about an hour after i got home. it was my aunt on my
father's side. 'this is strange', i thought to myself. 'she has never
once called me'.

"Sammy, you need to come up here. grammy is real sick and she is asking
for you. by the way, your daddy is going to be here."

to most of you, that last line wouldn't mean too much, but for me, it
just adds to the situation. i haven't seen my father in over eleven
years. he has never shown an ounce of interest in my life, of course
giving me a complex that i will prabably never overcome.

i know that my grandmother had to be pretty bad if my father was going
to be there. he hadn't seen his mother in eight years. including when
his father died and then a couple of months ago when she broke both her
legs and was in a nursing home. he never called. not even once.

so, off i went. it didn't matter that my father was going to be there.
it wasn't about him. it was about grammy. and it would be good for her
to see us together.
she always hated what he did to me. how he treated me. she felt
responsible. she always appologized.

but no matter the feelings i harboured towards my father, i had to go
see my grandmother. my grammy. i love her.

she was the sweetest person i have ever met. she was a country woman
that spoke her mind freely, loved bluegrass, and filled the room with
warmth whenever she walked in.

those last few days with her, i prepared myself, as best i could for
what was to come. she saw my father and i together, that made her
happy. he didn't recognize my at first. but what do you expect after
eleven years. i told her i loved her, she told me to stop smoking. i
told her to tell papa i said 'hi', she said she would.

i had it. i was okay with it. grammy is dying. she is just going to go
to sleep peacefully. the tumors will stop her body functions.....she
was supposed to just drift away....

not be in pain. not scream in fear. not lie restless constantly
scratching and grabbing at the tumors growing inside her head. she
wan't supposed to feel that.

but she did. it broke my heart. she didn't deserve that. the sweetest
woman i have ever known and will ever know did not deserve to
suffer.

the last time i saw her was the most difficult. she lay in an unfamilar
bed. her mouth open. the sound of death creeping closer oozed out of
every pore.

it won't be the same now. holidays. gatherings. her house was always
filled with love. because of her. now it will just be filled with
memories. good memories. there are no bad ones.

it just won't be the same without her.