OUCH!

To spend a year drawing the same picture - is that perfection or obsession. It gets to the point when you know it has to end, but the reluctance to stop the connection between my hand, the pencil and the paper is so strong that it wouldn't hurt to add a bit more detail. Its typical that the last little addition ruins the whole thing, isn't that also typical to life.

I was trying not to burn the freshly made curry. I knew if I overdid it, well to spell it out: D I S A S T E R, but oh no, little miss ' I can do it' put her own confidence to the test, it was edible - just ' ok, well maybe if it was served in a restaurant you would send it back but at my table, 'finish it'. Its not that I'm stubborn, it's more like I have been burdened with a load of self pride. It's so easy for people to tar you with a particular brush, but rarely do people see the agony behind the person.

I cried about that picture for weeks, but did anyone see, of course not. I also pushed the curry around the plate, so it looked eaten, all with tears in my eyes, but did anyone notice - no. Does that mean I'm a failure?

Does it hell! I'm a fighter! it takes strength to hide the bits of you that others would consider weaknesses. I'm a perfect girlfriend, boss, daughter, friend ' not in that particular order though!

Some would say that having long shiny dark hair, a beaming smile and a womanly figure was a gift in life; it didn't stop the bloody meal burning though did it. I've also been told that the smile in my eyes could end a war ' it didn't. I still hold a grudge with you for not cleaning the bathroom last week - now that was a war I'm sure you recall.

This time I am going to give you this letter. The councillor said, write every thought and feeling down. I do, but usually erase them. Maybe this one will be more sendable, ha - unlikely, but I will read it over and we will see. Is it plausible to be doing this with a large glass of wine in my hand, mental note ' edit that bit out!

Maybe this letter, the last or the 10 before that explain how I'm falling apart. Just like the picture and the curry, I'm holding on in there, it doesn't matter what the end result is, even if this time I am the overdone picture or the lumpy burnt curry. I'm never going to stop fighting, even if you are destroying me. The sad part is you just don't know it! Maybe if I actually send you this letter you will?

Mental note ' D O N T G I V E T H I S T O T H E F E L L A.