DJ Chad

Where to start. I'm not sure where I should start. I should probably
be writing this down, but things flow better from me when I type well I
don't get that many hand cramps, but I'm avoiding the issue here.
Thursday I went out and things were just as normal as they could. Well
as normal as they could be for me. Sometimes I wonder why stuff like
this. I mean one minute I'm close to the depths of despair. Well I
think I'm being a tad dramatic, but I was definitely feeling down. I
just wanted to dance and lose myself in the music. You know do my
thing. The regulars were all there. It was a typical night. There were
some people there that I didn't recognize and there were some people I
didn't want to recognize. You know the ones that just always get on
your nerves. The club kids, the bitches as Instinct calls them. I guess
some of the regulars are club kids too and you know what I'm starting
to get disenchanted with most of them. Maybe I shouldn't try to be what
they are. I know I'm not consciously but every so often I know I get
trapped in that. I should let go and fall. Just be myself. It's always
gotten me through and it always puts a smile on my face when let myself
have fun, the fun I'm used to. Trying hard to get people to notice me
isn't getting me no where. I have to put my best foot forward and I'm
tired of being the one that has to do it. It's time to let go of that.
Time of trying to be something I'm not even if I don't know I'm doing
it. I guess that's the hardest thing.

Well let me get to the events at hand. Why was it when I started
dancing on the floor and I moved off to the right side this guy starts
brushing up against me. It caught me off guard and I wasn't sure what
to do. I mean I didn't want to offend anyone and I didn't know the guy.
I have to say it was pretty cool even if I know the guy was drunk of
his ass. He looked like he had a gap between his teeth or they were
pressed forward a bit, but the gap was about as big as mine in
comparison. Not that bad, but I know I can get with mine. These days I
wish I never encouraged it to grow, but I know I'm not perfect so it
keeps me level headed. Anyway that was different. It reminded me that I
wasn't undesirable, but it's not that hard to remind myself that the
guy was drunk of his ass and he was the only one, but there's things
that I notice.

There are always people dancing around me, sometimes the guys I feel
attracted to or the ones that interest me. It's like they're wondering,
but there's a part of me that wonders what they're so scared about.
Probably the same thing I am. I mean we all pretend that we have all
the answers and that we're invincible but we're not. We're all fallible
and afraid of rejection, some cover it better than others. They take
the risks that the others are afraid to. Me I'm trying to find my way
and decide what I should and shouldn't do. I know there's many things
that I've said, but Thursday didn't so much give me a boost of
confidence it just open my eyes to reality of my situation.

Sometimes when I'm dancing my eyes do lock with someone and it's not
like we're dancing it's like we're competing or pushing one another.
That's the way it feels to me. It feels like I'm being pushed to the
point of no return. Sometimes I stop short of that point and sometimes
I go past it. I do what I'm capable of and I love it. I wish I could
say the things that are welling up inside, but most of the time it goes
unsaid. Believe me I'm not the bravest person, but I do try to be the
bravest writer. I guess TV is bleeding into my thoughts again, but it
always makes me wonder. I mean people want you to do this and that to
be the best person you can be no matter what it is you do. You have to
absorb all of these concepts and come up with your own ideas, but your
ideas are always under constant scrutiny. I never say I'm an authority,
but what I'm authority on is my life and what I want out of it even
when I don't know what I want. When DJ Chad came down to dance along to
the songs it reminded me of why I was there and what it is all about.
It's about having fun and not caring what anyone thinks. It's about
losing yourself in the music. Let it all melt away, even the people.
Their voices and thoughts become negligible nothing matters. Sometimes
I don't even matter. The only thing that matters is the dance. Letting
yourself flow with the energy that's building in the room. I didn't
lose that, but I think it started to become secondary. Course it's a
little hard with everyone bouncing you around like a damn pinball.
Sometimes the moment you start to let go you have all these people
rushing in crowding you and it's like your suffocating. You want to
scream and rant even flail your arms around just to get some room. I
know sometimes you can't always have all the room you want, but
sometimes you don't want to bump into someone just because you took a
couple of paces. Sometimes I can breathe in and out and let it go and
sometimes I can't. It's usually when I'm being beat into a
corner.

Can't let it happen any more. I can't look left and wonder if I should
go right. I have to trust my instincts and let go. Let go of all the
rules that everyone wants to set down for me, the rules that are spoken
and silent. I have to stop letting the looks effect me. I think I'm at
that point in my life where nothing should matter any more. I say it
over and over, but when is it going to begin. Your guess is as good as
mine, but right now after this Thursday I feel like everything's
opening up to me and there's so many possibilities. Maybe I should just
hang on for the ride that I'm about to take. I'm the conductor on this
train and it's time I started making big moves. The little ones are
getting me places, but right now I think it's time I started looking
and wanting for more and not be afraid of what could happen because
it's better than nothing happening at all. Thanks Chad because you gave
me the push and kick I needed