Mother, you may Never Know....

Mother,
You may never know how I truly feel. It changes so rapidly that
sometimes I get so lost in the haze that I even try to forget.
Sometimes I lie to myself, hoping that with every moment that passes me
by I will somehow lose all of those problems that pull me down.
Mother, do you think that i live the perfect life? sometimes I wonder
if I am living or if I am just a disfigured mold of what I wanted to
be. I remember the picture that i drew in first grade. It signified my
future, my hopes and dreams, however none came true. Sometimes I wonder
if I can do anything right at all.
Have you ever doubted me Mother as I told you fiction about my life?
Did you ever wonder what truly makes me happy as I lie to you and say
that it doesn't? I wonder. I have always believed that women gain a
wonderous new instinct as soon as they give birth. They have this
connection with the child from the beginning and even to the end, but
can that connection be disfigured such as the mold I had made for
myself when I was young? I wonder.
Mother, I am writing this to you as I doubt everything that I have
done and will continue to do. My past is no different than my future I
fear, but knowing that you will read this will make a difference. Don't
grieve to long, don't gaze a of picture of my youth. It won't bring me
back to a world with which I could never handle. Mother, cry not for me
as I made this decision without your permission, it would have only
made things more difficult for me. Mother I love you.