Tightening The Screw

CHARACTERS

KAJ - Age 19. CILLA's oldest son, a bit of a loner. Is hard on his
mother sometimes but is shy
when it comes to LAUREN.

CILLA - Age 42. Head of the household. Loud and outrageous, does as she
pleases in everything.

SINITTA - Age 9 KAJ's younger sister, just as potty as her
mother.

GRAN - Age 68. CILLA's mother. Sent senile by the cocktail of drugs she
was prescribed by her Doctor for her various ailments.

LAUREN - Age 20. KAJ's girlfriend. Confident but sensitive.

SETTING - The setting remains the same throughout, the living room of
CILLA's house.

SCENE 1 - BIRTHDAY MINUS 5 DAYS

A 3 seater settee sits centre stage, a single chair is placed stage
right Stage left of the settee is a small square coffee
table with a few magazines on and a mobile phone.

GRAN is already sitting in the chair dozing as the audience come in,
she is covered by a blanket and a few clothes that
have been dumped on her, i.e. A bra, pants and T-shirts.
KAJ sneaks onto stage in the dim lighting. He grabs the mobile phone
off the table and quickly dials a number.

KAJ It's me?..no I promised I would??they're all in bed??.No not
yet??..I will I promise?.it's going to be really
difficult though I'm not sure how she'll take it??.what's wrong with
your place??I know but it's just a bit busy
here??alright then?.yeah me too??I do say it just not as
often?..somebody might hear?.I'll text you later ok???bye.

The bundle of clothes sitting in the chair begins to move as KAJ starts
to exit.

GRAN Naughty Naughty.

KAJ spins round and switches on the lights.

KAJ Gran?

GRAN Morning dear!

KAJ What are you doing?

GRAN Is it time?

KAJ for what?

GRAN For the races.

KAJ It's 7am

GRAN Go see if your mother's nearly ready.

KAJ She's not even up yet.

GRAN Terrible, that girl, never could get up. Like trying to get a
hippo out of the mud.

KAJ Were you listening in?

GRAN You know, my hearing's not all that good these days, you'll have
to speak up a little.

KAJ Thanks Gran.

GRAN For what dear?

KAJ Never mind.

GRAN (Breathing deeply) Ooh that lovely smell.

KAJ What?

GRAN Lovely to touch, so big and muscular.

KAJ calls off-stage, a bit worried.

KAJ Mum

GRAN The smell of the leather, a throbbing beast between my legs.

KAJ Mum, get down here now! Gran's getting kinky

GRAN A joy to ride.

CILLA enters looking rather rough, her hair is a bit wild and last
night's make-up is
smeared over her face.

CILLA It's too early to be getting kinky mam, save it for the bridge
club.

She looks into an imaginary mirror at the side of the stage.

CILLA God I look a mess, what was I doing last night? Kaj, put some tea
on will you.

KAJ exits.

GRAN Are you ready for the races Cilla dear?

CILLA No mam, we're not going to the races, it's car boot day.

GRAN I've not got me hat, I've got to have me hat if we're going to
church.

CILLA But we're not going to church, we're going to the car boot
sale.

KAJ re-enters.

GRAN We always go to church on a Sunday, Charles will be expecting
us.

KAJ Oh not again.

CILLA I don't believe this, he said the new tablets'd fix this.

GRAN Is it next weekend we're going to see Anne at Balmoral dear?

CILLA For the last bloody time, you are not the Queen Mother!

GRAN How dare you speak to me like that!

CILLA Oh go back to sleep.

GRAN instantly slumps back in the chair in a deep sleep.

CILLA At least that hypnotherapy's working. Now where's that tea.

She begins to exit.

KAJ Why are you going to the car boot sale?

CILLA I just am, I need to buy stuff. Do you fancy some toast?

KAJ You'd better not be doing what I think you are.

CILLA Let's splash out on some bacon eh? I'll give you some money and
you can do down the shop?.

KAJ You are not giving me some piece of tat from a car boot for my
birthday.

KAJ I mean it. Every year you give me some revolting piece of crap that
always ends up in your room.

CILLA How was I supposed to know that you didn't like Simon Le
Bon.

KAJ That's what I'm talking about. I don't like Duran Duran, but you
do, that's why last years present is hanging
on your wall. This year you can give me the money and I'll just pick
my own present.

CILLA Fine, have it your own way, spoil the surprise.

KAJ Look at it this way, you'll be buying me something I really want
for a change.

CILLA It won't be the same, but we'll make up for it at the
party.

KAJ What party?

CILLA We're still throwing you a birthday party.

KAJ Well, actually, I'd planned to go out with a friend of mine?.

CILLA starts to furiously tidy the room up, plumping up cushions, tidy
magazines etc?
The next two speeches run over each other.

KAJ (over) Well she's a bit more than just a friend really, we've been
seeing each other for a couple of months now
and she's really nice. I think you'd like her. I don't believe this,
you always do this to me, you don't change
do you. For once?

CILLA (over) First you don't want me to buy you present and now you
don't want a party, do you want us to actually
celebrate your birthday at all this year? You'll break your
grandmother's heart, do you know that? Not to mention
your sister, she'll be very upset. But you don't care do you, even now
you ignore me. For once?

BOTH Will you just listen!

KAJ I don't know why I even bothered.

KAJ exits, GRAN lets out a large snore and then follows with some
smaller ones.

CILLA Don't you start an' all.

SINITTA enters, she is dressed in pyjamas and wearing bunny
slippers.

CILLA Morning sweetheart.

SINITTA Why is everyone shouting?

CILLA It's nothing, just your big brother being silly again. Right,
what do you want for breakfast?

SINITTA Chocolate cake!

CILLA YAY! Chocolate cake! My favourite.

CILLA exits

CILLA (Off) Sinitta! Ask your Gran if she wants some.

SINITTA snaps her fingers and GRAN wakes up.

SINITTA Do you want breakfast Gran?

GRAN No Thank you dear, I had a murray mint earlier on.

SINITTA Ok, go to sleep.

GRAN instantly falls asleep again

SINITTA She doesn't want any!

CILLA re-enters with a half-eaten chocolate cake and a can of squirty
cream. They sit on
the floor in front of the settee.

SINITTA Do you think we should save some for Kaj?

BOTH Nah!

They both tuck in greedily. SINITTA has big chunk in her mouth when
CILLA offers her
cream.

CILLA Cream Madam??

CILLA squirts the cream straight into SINITTA'S mouth.

SINITTA Would you care for some more cake?

She stuffs another piece in CILLA's mouth.

SINITTA I think you need some more cream with that.

She squirts cream on CILLA's nose.

CILLA Oh my goodness, you appear to have some cake on your face.

SINITTA Where?

CILLA dabs cake all over SINITTA's face.

CILLA Here, here, here, here

A full scale food fight develops between the two, they get cake and
cream all over them.
SINITTA tries to hide behind the settee but CILLA dives after her. They
both emerge
covered and in hysterics.
KAJ enters, coat in hand, to pick up his mobile phone.

KAJ Oh my god.

SINITTA Do you want some breakfast?

KAJ You're disgusting, both of you.

CILLA It's only a bit of fun.

KAJ You're a mess, what kind of example do you think your setting for
her, Sinitta, go get yourself cleaned up
and I'll take you to school

SINITTA runs off.

CILLA Where's all this come from?

KAJ All what?

CILLA Your so bloody miserable all the time, it's like you hate even
being in the same room as us sometimes.
You never used to be like this, we had fun together. Now you're so
secretive, I hardly ever see you.
You go out early, come home late and never tell me what you've been
doing. Is it something I've done wrong?

KAJ ignores her.

CILLA If it is, please tell me.

KAJ Sinitta! Are you nearly ready?

CILLA Lets not bother with school and work today eh? Pull a sickie and
we'll all go out together. The beach, we could
go to the beach get ice cream wear silly hats and eat fish and chips
by the sea. I used to love it there when I
was a kid.

SINITTA re-enters, all cleaned up.

CILLA Kaj. (pause) Kaj (pause) For god's sake talk to me!

He puts his jacket on

CILLA Don't just ignore me, I want to sort this out now!

KAJ You ready Sinitta?

They exit.
Lights fade.

SCENE 2 - BIRTHDAY MINUS 5 DAYS

KAJ enters followed closely by SINITTA. She throws her school bag on
the settee.

KAJ You'd better get changed,

SINITTA Where's mum?

KAJ She's probably around somewhere, check upstairs.

SINITTA crosses to the edge of the stage and shouts.

SINITTA MUM!!

KAJ You could have just gone upstairs and had a look.

SINITTA She's not there. Who's going to cook my tea?

KAJ I'll do it, how does alphabetti spaghetti sound?

SINITTA Yeah! But you've got to remember to take all the R's out.

KAJ Why?

SINITTA Because they look so cute and mum says you should never eat
something if it looks cute.

KAJ Just you wait till you find out where meat comes from.

SINITTA Why, where does it come from?

KAJ Never mind - get changed out your uniform and I'll start tea.

SINITTA exits. KAJ crosses to GRAN and clicks his fingers.

GRAN Hello dear.

KAJ Gran, you don't know where mum is do you?

GRAN I see many things, I know all. My experience is vast.

KAJ Ok, well at the moment all I'd like to know is whether you've seen
mum or not?

GRAN The blue messenger brought forth news!

KAJ Blue messenger?

GRAN He who visits us each day to bring us tidings, be they good or
bad, and puts them in the small window.

KAJ Small window? Oh you mean the postman. So mum got a letter this
morning?

GRAN Aye, t'was grave indeed for it turned her face to thunder and she
did flee this humble dwelling.

KAJ Do you know what was in the letter? Where is it?

GRAN Alas, I know not, the offending document is still upon her
person.

KAJ Ok, would you like a drink?

GRAN Aye! Bring forth the ale!

KAJ I think we'll just stick with tea for now.

Lights fade. 80's music plays.

SCENE 3 - BIRTHDAY MINUS 5 DAYS. NIGHT

KAJ is sleeping on the settee. A blue light flashes off stage and the
sound of a car door
shutting and then driving off is heard. CILLA enters. She puts her bag
down and attempts to sneak off again.

KAJ I see you got an escort home.

CILLA Cheaper than a taxi.

KAJ You want to explain where you've been?

CILLA Can't we talk about this in the morning?

KAJ Yeah, but in the morning it'll be can't we talk about this later
and then?.

CILLA I don't have to explain myself to you. I'm only following your
example. Now if you'll excuse me I want to get
some sleep.

KAJ No wait. Look, I want to apologise for this morning.

CILLA No, you don't have to apologise, it's your birthday - you can do
what you want.

KAJ I don't mind if we have a party, it'd be great we could have some
balloons and you can't forget the cake, it
wouldn't be a party if we didn't have a cake?

CILLA There are more important things than your birthday you
know!

KAJ Now hang on, this morning?..

CILLA Yeah, well that was this morning, things have changed.

KAJ Whatever was in that letter obviously upset you

CILLA How did you?.. I should've known she wouldn't keep her mouth
shut.

KAJ Are you going to tell me what was in it?

CILLA It doesn't concern you.

KAJ Doesn't concern me! You leave the house in tears, abandoning Gran,
you don't come home for hours, and when
you finally do show up it's in a police car! Now what is going
on?!

CILLA Deja vu, i seem to remember us having this conversation this
morning. Everything's fine, just as it always is.

KAJ is exhausted and remains silent.

CILLA Come here.

CILLA hugs him

CILLA It'll sort itself out, always does in the end.
So what are we going to do for this party then? I was thinking, maybe
we could hire a bouncy castle.

KAJ I don't know?.

CILLA You're right, you're a bit old for a bouncy castle, perhaps a
ball pit would be better.

KAJ Mum.

CILLA Ok ok.

KAJ Can we keep it the simple, just the family

CILLA Fine, as long as we can still have jelly.

KAJ You're on, but it's gotta be green.

CILLA Of course! You're still going to need a surprise though.

KAJ Why?

CILLA You've got to have a surprise on your birthday.

SCENE 4 - BIRTHDAY MINUS 4 DAYS (NIGHT)

KAJ is sitting on the settee, the room is looking a bit untidy. He is
watching the television and rests a packet of
crisps on his stomach. He turns to look at his watch, gasps, and leaps
up off the settee, scattering crisps.

KAJ Shit Shit Shit!

He runs around frantically tidying up, he flips over the settee
cushions to hide the crisps,
and shuffles the magazines. He attempts to tidy GRAN'S chair, but
decides it's too smelly.
He looks into the imaginary mirror and is disgusted by what he
sees.
He gropes round the edge of the sofa for his comb and ends up with
something sticky on
his hands.

KAJ Eurgh!

He races back to the mirror and starts to comb his hair, smoothing his
hair down he gets
the sticky stuff in it.

KAJ Shit!

He runs off stage and re-appears a few seconds later with a different
T-shirt on and spraying deodorant under is arms.
He then sprays GRAN's chair. He goes to the wall and fiddles with the
light switch, dimming and then brightening the room,
before deciding to dim it again. A door knock is heard. KAJ runs off to
and re-enters followed by LAUREN.

KAJ Come in.

LAUREN looks around.

LAUREN I don't know what you were worried about - it's not that
bad.

KAJ It's not exactly a palace either.

LAUREN Where is everyone?

KAJ Sinitta's upstairs asleep and Mum's out with Gran at the bingo.
They won't be home for ages.

LAUREN Really?

KAJ Do you want a drink?

LAUREN Sure

KAJ Take a seat.

KAJ exits. LAUREN goes to GRAN's chair, sniffs it, and decides to sleep
somewhere else.

LAUREN Plenty of ice in mine.

LAUREN sits as KAJ re-enters. He sits and she shuffles closer.

KAJ Here we go.

LAUREN So what are we going to do tonight?

KAJ I dunno

An uncomfortable pause.

KAJ Good job I put plenty of ice in your drink - it's really hot out
there.

LAUREN I could think of a better use for that ice.

KAJ I suppose if you put it in some cloth it could make a very
refreshing compress.

LAUREN Mmmm, I don't understand how I can be so hot when I'm wearing so
little.

KAJ Would you like me to make you one? It's no trouble.

LAUREN God! I don't believe you!

KAJ What?

LAUREN SHAG ME SHAG ME SHAG ME! Is that clear enough for you?

KAJ Sorry.

LAUREN What's wrong? Are you going off me?

KAJ No, no, not at all. I still want to be very much on you.

LAUREN We're going to have to do something about that then aren't
we.

They start to kiss and she pushes him down on the sofa. Her hands
wander. She suddenly springs up and is rubbing her hand

LAUREN Yeuch! It's all sticky down there.

KAJ I'm sorry, this doesn't happen to me often I promise.

LAUREN It's not you, you twat.

She pounces on him again. Lights fade. Music.
Lights come up, KAJ wakes and looks at his watch and leaps up throwing
LAUREN to the
floor.

KAJ Shit shit shit!

He hastily starts to get dressed.

LAUREN Am I really that repulsive?

KAJ What?

LAUREN It wasn't that bad surely?

KAJ starts to tidy the room once again, straightening cushions
etc?

LAUREN Post shag trauma, it must be.

KAJ Not now, haven't got time for another. Should never have taken so
long.

LAUREN You'll be lucky if you ever get one out of me again.

KAJ No no no, not you. You're a good shag, a damn good shag.

LAUREN Alright steady on.

KAJ Now, I'm afraid I have to ask you to leave.

LAUREN You what?!

KAJ It's not how it sounds, I'd love you to stay so I could lick ice
cream off every inch of your body but?..

LAUREN Well that could be arranged.

They begin to get intimate again behind the sofa. SINITTA appears
carrying a teddy
bear.

SINITTA Kaj?

All is quiet, SINITTA slurps some wine from one of the glasses and
switches on the telly and
settles back grabbing some crisps off the table. A giggle is
heard.

SINITTA Kaj?

The noise abruptly stops. Then a low moan is heard. She cautiously
peeps behind the
sofa. She screams and starts to throw her crisps.

SINITTA Get off him!!

LAUREN appears from behind the sofa, crisps in her hair. SINITTA
screams again and starts
throwing cushions at her.

KAJ Sinitta!

He grabs her and forces her, head first, onto the sofa.

KAJ Now calm down.

SINITTA I am so telling mum, you two are disgusting.

KAJ Oh no you won't.

SINITTA Wanna bet?

KAJ You won't.

SINITTA Will

KAJ You can't

SINITTA Can

KAJ You shan't

SINITTA Shall.

KAJ Erm?.

SINITTA Ha! I win.

KAJ You mustn't

SINITTA Cheat.

KAJ Are you going to behave?

SINITTA Suppose so.

KAJ Now apologise.

SINITTA I'm very sorry Kaj's bit-on-the-side.

LAUREN Hello, my name's Lauren.

SINITTA (offering) Would you like a crisp?

LAUREN takes one from her hair.

LAUREN No thanks, already got some.

KAJ You should be in bed.

SINITTA You only want me out of the way so you can carry on.

KAJ Go, and don't forget your crisps.

SINITTA Bonky Bonky.

She runs off.

LAUREN Would things be better at my place?

KAJ What a great idea. I'll see you there tomorrow at eight. Sounds
nice and cheap.

LAUREN I'm not sure if I like being described as cheap.

KAJ Shit! Go with me on this and I'll love you forever.

LAUREN Hang on..

He pushes her into GRANs chair and covers her with clothes. CILLA and
GRAN enter.

BOTH Gold! Always believe in your soul!

KAJ A good night?

CILLA Bloody hell it was a massacre, wasn't it mam.

GRAN A bloodbath.

CILLA You're going to have a damn good birthday this year.

GRAN Can I tell him, please?

CILLA Go on.

GRAN My balls have dropped! I've been waiting 23 years but they've
finally dropped.

KAJ Eh?

CILLA She's hit the jackpot, five hundred pounds! You should've seen
it. There were 50 of us at first, but soon
enough most were left behind, this was just a three woman race. In the
left hand row we had Marge.
Team uniform: pink silk blouse, long black skirt. In the centre we had
Betty. Team uniform: Blue rinse perm,
grey slacks and white fluffy jumper. And on the right we had the
favourite, Gran. Team uniform: Best M &; S knickers,
exquisite cornflower blue dress, perfectly finished off with a yellow
sweatband. You could smell the tension in the
air.

GRAN I had wind.

CILLA Out comes a 78, followed closely by 56, Marge nudges ahead. 29,
12 then 33. Gran is gaining, tieing with Betty.
Then Betty sneaks in with a crafty little 18 and it looks like we're
out but then we get a 6 an 81 and a 37, she's
on a winning streak! She's now only one number behind Marge, she's
trying to put us off, mercilessly biting the
heads of chocolate finger biscuits in a futile attempt to scare us. 44
and nothing changes. Betty getting nervous,
you can see her fake tan running with the sweat.

GRAN You can tell she shops at Poundland.

CILLA Your Gran stays calm, she needs only two numbers to crack it. 21
brings Betty up level with the others,
it's anyone's game now. The next number is about to be drawn
when?..

KAJ When.....

CILLA Betty chokes on a mint humbug! Play is suspended whilst our
Compere, Mr Pembroke, administers first aid, and cops
a feel in the process. She swears she's ok but they call for an
ambulance anyway and she is dragged screaming from
the hall swearing revenge on Marge, the profferer of said
humbug.

KAJ But what about the game?

CILLA I'm coming to that, don't rush me. With Betty out of the running
it was just a two horse race. They lock gazes
across the bingo hall. The Vicks hangs heavy in the air. Play resumes
and the ball is chosen. The most wonderous
number in world, the universe even. A number very close to my own
heart, a personal favourite?..

GRAN Sixty-nine!!

CILLA Sixty-nine!

BOTH Gold! Always believe in your soul.

CILLA You're having the best party ever! No more paper plates for us,
it's plastic all the way.

GRAN (sniffing) I smell woman.

KAJ What?

GRAN A woman, not of our kind.

KAJ She's off again, I think she should go to bed.

CILLA Is there something wrong Kaj?

KAJ She's obviously got far too excited and is having one of her turns,
she needs to lie down, come on Gran.

GRAN Over here. Who's been sitting in my chair? Ah-ha!

CILLA Wait! We need protection.

She takes some styling mousse from her handbag

CILLA Ready, go for it.

KAJ Gran, no!

She whips away the clothes to reveal a stunned looking LAUREN.

CILLA We really must clean down the back of the chairs more
often.

LAUREN Did I just imagine it or did you say you loved me?

KAJ Erm, yeah?

LAUREN Oh my God!

She leaps up and hugs him.

KAJ Lauren, meet mum. Mum this is my girlfriend, Lauren.

CILLA Huh

A large squirt of mousse come flying out.

CILLA Oh I do apologise. Mind you, if he takes after his father you're
probably used to it.

LAUREN Pleased to meet you Mrs. Berryworth.

She shakes her hand and gets mousse all over that as well.

CILLA You're probably used to that too. Kaj go make some tea for our
guest.

KAJ She was just leaving actually.

GRAN You've not been doing it in my chair have you?

LAUREN Oh no no we haven't.

GRAN Good because I was going to say, the sofa's much better. I used to
find it gave better support and??

KAJ Gran!

GRAN Milk and two sugars please.

KAJ exits.

CILLA Sit down. Lets start with the basics ay?

GRAN Name, Age, favourite biscuit.

LAUREN I'm sorry.

CILLA Answer the question.

LAUREN erm, Lauren Feldman, 20, erm erm

GRAN Come on! Come on!

LAUREN erm Bourbon!

GRAN Are you sure?

LAUREN Yes.

GRAN Wouldn't prefer a custard cream or Hob Nob?

LAUREN No.

GRAN Excellent.

CILLA Congratulations, you've passed. No-one comes in here if they
don't like Bourbons.

GRAN We had the vicar round once you know, committed sacrilege by
eating a Digestive. But I knew you were one of us,
from the moment I saw you. Put it there comrade.

She spits on her hand and offers it. LAUREN reluctantly shakes it and
wipes the spit from
off her hand. KAJ re-enters with tea &; biscuits.

CILLA Did you hear of our good fortune this evening?

LAUREN Yeah, I was sitting there remember.

CILLA Of course, would you like a biscuit.

She offers, GRAN dives in and grabs three and stuffs them in her
mouth.

CILLA We should be celebrating! Gran,music please.

GRAN switches some music on, they begin to dance.

CILLA Come on.

KAJ switches the music off.

KAJ Sit.

CILLA Yes oh master.

GRAN Woof!

CILLA We're really going to push the boat out for Kaj's birthday
party.

LAUREN Party?

CILLA You mean he didn't tell you? We always have a party on his
birthday, it's tradition. Kaj why didn't you tell
Lauren about your birthday party?

KAJ Well?

LAUREN I thought we were going for a meal.

CILLA You can eat here, one more mouth's no trouble. I hope you like
salmon paste.

KAJ We said the party was going to be a family thing.

CILLA Well she is practically family, I see engagement, marriage then
preggers, although you don't necessarily have to
do things in that order.

GRAN I'll start knitting now. Pink, blue or neutral yellow?

Lauren looks at her watch

LAUREN Goodness, that late already. I've got to go.

KAJ I'll show you out.

CILLA See you at the party on Saturday Lauren.

They exit.

CILLA Two surprises in one night, can we keep up this pace mam?

GRAN Gold! Always believe in your soul!

CILLA You're indestructible, always believe in it.

KAJ re-enters.

KAJ Gran, go to sleep.

GRAN instantly falls asleep.

CILLA Hey, maybe she wasn't tired.

KAJ I don't care. Would you like to explain what that little
performance was all about.

CILLA What?

KAJ How could you? The first girl I've ever brought home and you do
this.

CILLA You shouldn't have tried to keep it a secret.

KAJ Do you blame me when my family's full of freaks!

CILLA Oh wind your neck in will you, who cares what other people
think.

KAJ I do, I care. I used to love it when I was young, but it's not
funny anymore. You have to grow up.

CILLA You sound just like the people at the social.

KAJ Social?

CILLA You have to grow up, you have to get a job, bloody pen pushers.
Got everything they deserved.

KAJ What did you do?

CILLA It doesn't matter.

KAJ Tell me!

CILLA Alright, you want to know. They're taking away my benefit,
forcing me to get a job. That's what the letter was about.
So I went down there thumped one of em.

KAJ The police car last night.

CILLA Assault and causing a public nuisance, there's another item to
add to your list of embarrassments. Your mother
is now officially a criminal.

KAJ Well, what are you going to do about it?

CILLA What do you mean?

KAJ You can't live off thin air.

CILLA Well, your Gran's got?.

KAJ You leave Gran's money alone.

CILLA Oxfam, I'm sure they could spare a tea bag and a loaf of
bread.

KAJ You're going to have to get a job.

Lights fade. Music.

SCENE 5 - BIRTHDAY MINUS 3 DAYs

GRAN is once again dozing in her chair. She is snoring gently. The
snoring then stops.
CILLA and SINITTA enter, dressed in 80's 'power' clothes. i.e. Big
shoulder pads, chunky cheap gold jewellery,
large hairdo's and dodgy American accents. SINITTA is unsteady on her
heels.

CILLA Wow! Were those sales hot today or what?

SINITTA I know, and I didn't even get half the stuff I wanted.

CILLA But honey, the outfit you're wearing is fabulous.

SINITTA You really think so?

CILLA Sure, take a look in the mirror.

SINTTA I don't know, I kinda like what you're wearing.

CILLA What, this old thing? It is so yesterday, it's like 2 days old
already.

SINITTA Gee, time warp.

CILLA When I walk into that board room I want them to know I mean
business.

SINITTA And November Harkington will be yours once again?

CILLA Drake won't even realise he's lost, until it's too late.

SINITTA I don't think so. As of this morning I now control 51\\\\\% of
November Harkington. The company is mine.

CILLA Oh! You bitch!

SINITTA And another thing, All that time Drake was going out with you,
he was really in love with me.

CILLA No!

SINITTA Face it, you're finished.

CILLA Never!

They begin a cushion fight. The phone rings.

CILLA Hello??..oh hello love guess who's got an interview tomorrow?..a
supermarket stock replenishment operative
they said.?..I am making the effort, I even bought some new clothes
today especially for it??I'll walk it, who
could refuse me??.alright love, I'll see you later.
I swear, by every shoulder pad in my wardrobe, I'll never let you get
away with this.

The fight resumes.

CILLA Oh! You made me break a nail! That's it. It's time to start
fighting dirty.

SINITTA ends up leaping on GRAN.

SINITTA Mum, She's gone cold.

Lights fade. Music.

SCENE 6. BIRTHDAY

KAJ is standing, staring into space. LAUREN enters.

LAUREN Kettle won't be long.

KAJ Right.

LAUREN D'you think your mother would like one?

KAJ I don't know.

LAUREN I'll leave it then. I'll ask her when she comes down.

She reaches inside her handbag and pulls out a card.

LAUREN I know this isn't the best time but here, Happy Birthday.

KAJ Thank you.

LAUREN I have got you a present as well, but I thought I'd bring it
round later, after the?.

KAJ You can say it you know, it's not a dirty word. After the funeral,
when Gran's six foot under, sharing
her accommodation with the worms. Thank you, the card's lovely.

SINITTA enters.

SINITTA Kaj, can you do my hair for me?

KAJ Do it yourself, you're big enough now.

SINITTA But I want it in a French plait like Gran does it.

KAJ Like Gran used to do it you mean.

LAUREN Come here, I'll do it for you.

KAJ I wish she'd get a move on. We're always late because of her.

LAUREN There's still plenty of time.

CILLA enters.

CILLA Right, about ready are we? Hello Lauren love.

LAUREN Mrs. Berryworth. I'd just like to offer my deepest
condolences.

CILLA Thanks, and call me Cilla.

LAUREN I'd also like to apologise for the other day, it was very rude
of me to just rush out like that.

CILLA Forgotten already, this is no time to be holding grudges.

KAJ I'm glad to see you're dressed half normal for a change.

CILLA What did you expect, a day-glow pink shell suit or something? I'm
not that tasteless, I do have
some respect for your Gran.

KAJ That's not bloody much good now, is it?

CILLA This is not the time Kaj.

LAUREN ushers SINITTA off.

KAJ Why? Why not? If you really did have more respect for her she might
be alive now.

CILLA I loved your Gran more than you'll ever know.

KAJ That's a joke. If you loved her so much why did you leave
her?
You were always sodding off into town or getting pissed down the pub
and just leaving her here. She only ever
left that stupid chair to go to bingo once a week with you. You
treated her like some dumb house pet you never
cleaned the cage for. If you weren't so wrapped up in yourself, you
might have realised that she'd gone mad!

CILLA She wasn't mad, she was just different. What's so wrong about
that?

KAJ She was senile! And if you carry on like this you'll end up exactly
like her. You've never realised have you?
They're all laughing at you mum, down at the shops, the school,
everywhere. We're the local freaky family,
and you're chief loony!

CILLA I've noticed, the strange looks and the giggling, just because I
don't dress in this years latest fashions,
because I don't do mumsy things like bake cakes and spend hours and
hours cleaning my house. I've heard it all,
and you know what, I don't give a toss!

KAJ That is exactly it. It's alright for you, because you don't care,
but the rest of us get dragged into it as well.
Gran needed help but you were too busy having fun to notice.

CILLA You didn't see everything. You weren't there when she used to cry
her eyes out till the early hours of the morning,
screaming for her mum. You never had to take her upstairs and change
her because she wet herself, again. She
followed all the rules, did what the Doctor's told her, took all those
pills and look how she ended up. The woman
who died yesterday was not the woman I grew up with, but I loved her
all the same.

KAJ It can't go on like this.

CILLA I may have been callous, and I'm sorry for any embarrassment I've
ever caused you, but I'm not going to change.
I'll try not to show you up, but I can't promise. You can do whatever
you want, be whoever you want to be, I don't
mind, you're still my son. Live your life however you want. All I ask
in return is that you let me live mine while
I've still got one.

KAJ I miss her mum.

CILLA Come here.

They hug.

LAUREN and SINITTA re-enter.

CILLA You too.

Sintta runs across.

CILLA And you.

LAUREN joins them.

CILLA Now, we're going to go out there and give Gran the send off she
deserves. At least she died happy. She finally
got one up on Marge Harper, 20 years they've been battling, but she
got there first, she hit the jackpot.

KAJ We're going to be late.

CILLA We've got to make sure everybody's there before we make our grand
entrance.

SINITTA Can I go in the big car?

CILLA You can sit wherever you like my darling.

SINITTA I'm going in the back with the coffin then.

KAJ looks at CILLA.

CILLA I don't think so.

SINITTA Why?

CILLA 'Cause I bagsy'd it first.

They begin to file out.

CILLA Lauren love, could I have a word?

LAUREN Of course.

CILLA I have a favour to ask, it's about Kaj's birthday.

LAUREN I'd be glad to help.

CILLA I'll explain later, just promise me you'll do it.

LAUREN Ok.

CILLA Thanks. I'll be out in a minute.

LAUREN exits. CILLA crosses to the mirror and checks her hair. She sees
something and
spins round.

CILLA Mam? I know you're here, watching us all squabble, as usual. I
just hope that??that you're happy.

Lights fade. Music.

SCENE 7. BIRTHDAY EVENING

KAJ &; LAUREN are on the sofa together, SINITTA is kneeling by the
coffee table which is full of food, she is stuffing
her face.

KAJ I'm not sure we should be doing this.

LAUREN Come on, it is your birthday. Gran wouldn't want you not to
celebrate it because of her.

KAJ I suppose I should be glad mum didn't invite half the congregation
back to join us.

LAUREN That would have been fun, especially with Mr Windham.

KAJ That silly old codger.

LAUREN Do you think that somebody should've told him that it was a
funeral and not a wedding.

CILLA enters with jelly.

CILLA You'll do no such thing. That fondue set is mine now. I'm not
giving it up.

SINITTA Great! Jelly.

CILLA Haven't you got enough there.

SINITTA We have to eat it quick or it might go off.

CILLA You'll be sick.

KAJ She always is, it's a sure thing, every time we have a party she'll
end up spewing in some corner of the room.

SINITTA Last year I did it in that corner, the year before it was that
one and last Christmas, just for a change,
I did it in Gran's chair.

CILLA But you could have picked a time when your Gran wasn't sitting in
it. Took me ages to get it clean, and the
smell's never really gone away.

LAUREN I've noticed.

SINITTA We've run out of cheesy balls!

KAJ I'll fetch some more. Would anyone like a drink?

CILLA I'll have a large one please love.

KAJ Lauren?

LAUREN No thanks.

KAJ Are you going to give me a hand?

LAUREN You don't need my help just to get some nibbles.

CILLA He's after something to nibble on alright, but it ain't made of
corn.
Get on with it you randy little bugger, I'm getting more thirsty by
the minute here.

KAJ slopes off.

LAUREN So how did it go again? Left, left, point, down, up, down,
down.

CILLA No, it's left, left. Point up, down, down, up. You have to
remember it's head, shoulders, waist, then feet.
Followed by a turn.

SINITTA Then you wiggle your bum, like this.

LAUREN I'm never going to be able to do it.

SINITTA Just jiggle your boobies, he'll like that.

KAJ re-enters.

CILLA He's coming??.I don't buy any other beans than Heinz. Those
cheapo brands only have half a can, it's mostly sauce.

KAJ What's going on?

ALL Nothing.

CILLA We were just comparing supermarket prices, if that's alright with
you. A drink at last, my mouth's like the Sahara.

KAJ What are you up to? Why are you behaving so normal?

CILLA I don't know what you mean.

SINITTA Presents! Presents!

CILLA Present time, me first.

KAJ What is it this time? A stuffed cat? A life-size cardboard cut-out
of Simon Le-Bon maybe?

CILLA pulls out an envelope.

CILLA Here, Happy Birthday.

KAJ opens it to find some cash.

KAJ Thank you.

CILLA It's what you wanted. Believe it or not, I do listen to you
sometimes.

SINITTA Me next, me me.

She gives him a shoe box.

SINITTA I did it all by myself.

LAUREN It certainly looks interesting.

KAJ opens the box and pulls out a swimming cap with patches of hair
stuck to it.

KAJ Thank you, it's very nice.

CILLA Never mind the pleasantries, what the bloody hell is it?

SINITTA It's a wig. I made it from my own hair and everything.

KAJ Oh right.

SINITTA I thought, since you're getting sooo old now

KAJ Old?!

SINITTA You'll probably be bald by your next birthday, so I thought I'd
get you a wig now so you don't have to look
stupid for a year.

LAUREN Time for my present.

SINITTA We all know what kind of present she's going to give him (she
makes kissing noises) Darling, I love you,
I want you so much.

CILLA Pack it in.

LAUREN Happy Birthday. I hope you like it.

She gives him a small box which he opens to reveal a watch.

KAJ Wow

CILLA That's nice.

KAJ Thank you very much.

LAUREN Now you'll be able to tell how late we all are to within one
tenth of a second.

CILLA Right, everybody up, I'd like to propose a toast. To Kaj, Happy
Birthday Love.

ALL Happy Birthday!

CILLA Happy birthday to you?

KAJ Don't you dare say it.

ALL Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Kajagoogoo, happy
birthday to you!

CILLA Hang on, I've just got one more thing to say. Everyone thinks
this should be a day of sadness, but we never do
things proper in this house. Gran was very special to us all. I know
it feels like there's a big gap inside at
the moment,and the feeling will go away in time, but Gran won't. Her
spirit will always be with us, and we can
all feel safe because we know she's watching over us. If you'd like to
say something now Gran, you'd be most
welcome....

Someone breaks wind.

SINITTA Sorry.

CILLA To Gran!

ALL To Gran!

LAUREN and SINITTA move the coffee table to the side.

CILLA There's one more present to give. This one's from Gran, she spent
ages working on it. I'm only sorry
she isn't here to do it herself. Come on you two.

She hands him an audio cassette. CILLA, LAUREN and SINITTA exit. KAJ
switches the tape on
and sits down. GRAN's voice is heard.

GRAN (V.O) Ladies and gentlemen, in honour of my Grandson Kaj's
birthday. We present, for one night only, live and
direct from the kitchen, the musical delights of THE NOLANS!!!

"I'm in the mood for dancing" begins to play. CILLA, LAUREN and SINITTA
enter dressed as
the Nolans and mime to the song, complete with dance moves.
KAJ stares, dumbfounded, but eventually gets dragged out of his chair
to join in.

Lights fade as the music continues.