Miss World

"I'm Miss World
Watch me break and watch me burn
No one is listening, my friend." Miss World by Hole.

Everyone has a sanctuary; a place where you go to gather your thoughts,
to cry, to dream, to escape...Mine is just outside of town, a couple of
miles from my home. It's an area of land stuck in the middle between
the town and neighbouring village in the countryside. I love it here;
it's so beautiful and peaceful. All around me fields stretch to the
ends of the earth; the grass is the greenest you've ever seen, the
water soothingly flows down the stream in no obvious rush and time just
seems to stand still. There's a small worn road, big enough only for a
car, which only sees cyclists and pedestrians mainly in the spring and
summer. When I say it's quiet, I mean it's so quiet that you can hear
the gentle buzz of the electricity running through the power lines,
overhead. This is my retreat, where I spend most of my free time these
days, writing in my diary.
29th October
Sometimes I feel like I'm so small nobody can see me...It seems as
though this is true.

MONDAY
I think it was Sheryl Crow who sang "No-one said it would be easy and
no-one said it would be this hard." This was the thought that I carried
round with me today, as I couldn't get it out of my head. It was one of
those moments where you wake up and it's the first thought you think
and just before you fall asleep, it's the last thought you have.
"Morning everyone. Come on, settle down! Now surprisingly there are no
notices this morning, you've obviously been behaving yourselves - for
once." States Miss Douglas, my tutor and English teacher. She annoys me
at this time in a morning, so I sit in my usual spot at the back of the
class and read a book. This morning I'm reading a selection of poems by
Anne Sexton.
"Anyway, David and Nina you have tutorials with me this morning. The
rest of you can use this registration time to study, or do last nights
homework, aye Ben! David, I'll see you first."
I never used to sit at the back of the class. There was a time when I'd
sit in the third row with Caitlin, my best friend, and gossip, but now
she shares it with her new group of friends.
"Nina! Nina Williams." Shrieks Miss Douglas, beckoning me to her desk
situated at the front of the class. Oh, no. She's got my grades for
this year - I really can't be doing with this. I watch her as she
scribbles my name down and underlines it twice, scraping her pen along
the pure white paper.
"So, Nina, what are your plans for September?"
"I'm not sure."
"Well, you must have a few ideas..."
"University, work, travel...I haven't decided yet." I reply. She keeps
staring at me in such a way, I'm avoiding all eye contact with
her.
"Well, lets start with Uni; have you handed in your application
form?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because I have no idea what I want to do."
"If that's the case then it's best to keep your options open, which
means making some choices and filling in your UCAS form, otherwise Uni
will no-longer be an option, okay?"
"Okay."
"You're a bright girl, Nina and I honestly think you would benefit
from higher education. So, I'm hoping talk of work is of the gap year
type...?"
"I guess so. I'd like to travel, but I don't want to commit to
anything yet. Like you said, I want to keep my options open."
"So, why not combine all three? Take a year out, work abroad, then
come back and go to University."
"I could...I guess I never really thought about it."
"Well do! Now, I've noticed a recent decline in your grades, which is
really quite worrying - care to defend yourself?"
"I've had a lot on my mind."
"Like what?"
"I feel like I have to have my whole life planned out, that I should
know what I want to become and what I want to do, but I haven't got a
clue! I couldn't even tell you what I'm doing next week let alone next
year!"
"I understand this is a hard time for you, I was in a very similar
position myself, but you can't sit there and tell me you don't have at
least one burning ambition?"
I am saved by the bell, thank goodness.
"Look, let's talk later. I'm free during lunch today if that's
okay?"
"Actually I have detention this lunch."
"Right, well, when you've got time please pop in and see me, okay? You
know where I am."
"Sure. Bye."
30th October
I keep having this dream where I'm a small star amongst a galaxy of
other stars, and because I'm so small, I don't shine very bright. But,
in this giant cluster of stars, there is one that shines so brightly
because it is so big. It is the sun. I keep thinking that if I were
positioned next to the sun, then I too would shine so very bright and
be noticed and admired by all the other stars. But the closer I get,
the further away the sun actually is.
My house isn't very big, but it's big enough for us. I live with my
mum, dad and younger brother, Jamie on a small estate full of families,
who have dogs and go for family outings in the summer. My mum used to
work as a secretary for a small legal firm in town, but now spends her
days at home, either doing housework or looking after Jamie, who is now
6 years old. My dad is hardly ever around, always on some business trip
or other. He works for a large advertising business, which is currently
in expansion. When I come home from school, the house is usually empty.
I come in through the back door and straight into the kitchen. It must
be the smallest room in the house, and the most unused. Mum can't cook,
dad can, but dad's never here and so we live on takeaways and ready
cooked frozen micro dinners - very nutritional. I know something is
wrong as soon as I enter the house, not only is there a bad vibe, but
my dad's here too. In the small country-style living room I find my mum
on the floor, rocking back and forth with Jamie in her arms, both of
them crying as if they were never going to stop. My dad's sat on the
sofa, but stands when he realises I'm in the room with them.
"What...what's wrong? What's happened?" I ask confused.
"Oh, Nina!" cries my mum, her sobs now coming harder.
"What? WHAT?" I demand.
"Um, you might want to sit down..." says my dad, clearing his
throat.
"I'm fine standing."
"Okay, well, your Grandad had a heart attack. He died this
afternoon."
Time stands still, and I realise that my life will never be the same
again. I see everything changing before my eyes and I hate it, I hate
the world I live in.
"No."
"Come on, it's all..."
"NO!"
30th October
I remember when my grandparents took me on holiday to the seaside. We
went for the week in their caravan when I was about Jamie's age. One
day, we went for a walk along the seafront, where all the amusements
are situated. I remember seeing one of those toy vending machines,
where you put something like 20p in and you get a plastic egg shape
containing a prize. I was so desperate to have a go, so my Grandad put
some loose change in and sure enough, out came an egg. Inside was the
most beautiful ring I had ever seen, that changed colours with my
moods. I remember thinking only my Grandad could get me something as
magical as that. That ring is all I have left of him now...why did you
leave me Grandad? Why?

WEDNESDAY
I couldn't tell you what day it is today, it could be Friday for all I
care, but I'm not sure - I'm never sure these days. I found myself
spending the day just wondering the streets, watching the distorted
view of the world dance before my eyes while I suffocated from the lack
of oxygen in the air. Nobody responded to my cries for help, for they
are too far away.
"Hey Nina! Nina!"
"Huh?"
"Earth calling space cadet, can you hear me?"
"Oh, hi Caitlin, I didn't see you there."
"Obviously! You were miles away; penny for your thoughts"
"Well, you see, my life - it's shit."
"School huh?"
"Well, yeh, but it's..."
"Me too. I have no idea what I'm going to write for English,
you?"
"Nope."
"Well, anyway, can't stop - in a bit of a rush, but I'll give you a
ring tonight..."
She never did. There was once a time when she would have kept her
promises, but that was a long time ago, three months BC - Before
Carl.
1st November
I wonder how many people there are on Earth? Millions? Billions?
Whatever the correct figure is, I can safely say there are a hell of a
lot of us. So why is it I feel so alone?
I'm going crazy and I don't know what to do. I need to talk to someone,
but whom?
"Hi, is Caitlin there?"
"Hello?"
"Hi Caitlin, it's me."
"Oh hi Nina! You alright?"
"I guess, well, not really see..."
"What? Oh right, just a moment...Hey Nina! I'm sorry, but I've gotta
go - Carl's here. What was it you wanted?"
"Nothing, just a chat really."
"Cool. I'll see you at school yeh?"
"Yeh."

SATURDAY
4th November
These days I find myself floating, like a leaf caught in the autumn
breeze. I've lost all concept of time; it's as if the days have been
stretched - a minute is no longer 60 seconds but 120, and an hour can
feel like two. I don't know why I still bother wearing a watch, the
only way I can tell the time now is by the television; Crossroads means
5pm, Coronation street represents 7:30pm and then there's the news at
ten...why is everyone abandoning me? Why now? Why me?
I was in my room, reading Prozac Nation, when there was an unexpected
knock at the door.
"What?"
"Hey." Said Caitlin, as she stepped into my room.
"Hi."
"What you up to?"
"Nothing much...reading."
"You want to go to Charlie's? I'm having a craving for muffins and
coffee."
"Sure."
Charlie's is the local hang out for teenagers after school, with prime
location in-between the youth club and cinema. It was quite busy when
we arrived, but we eventually found a table next to the window for
two.
"God, it seems like ages since we've done this!" exclaimed Caitlin. I
felt it was time for a cigarette, I knew something was going to
happen.
"When was the last time we did this?" she asked.
"September 5th. We started school the next day." A day I'll never
forget.
"That's right! Cause that's when I met Carl."
"Yeh." And that's when an awkward silence descended on us, and I
noticed that the ticking of my watch started to get louder and
louder.
"So, when did you start smoking?"
"I've always smoked, Caitlin. When did you quit?"
"It's been a month. Carl didn't like it, said I was poisoning my
beautiful body. He was right, since I quit my skin's become a lot
healthier looking and my breath no longer reeks."
"And where is the wonderful Carl tonight? Out walking old ladies
across the road, rescuing cats stuck in trees or is he donating blood
for the second time this week?"
"Stop being a bitch, Nina."
"Takes one to know one."
"And what's that supposed to mean?"
"IT MEANS...It means you've treated me like dog shit since you and
Carl got it together."
"That's NOT true."
"No, I'll tell you what's true; you've been living in your little
fantasy world with Wonder boy for so long now that you have no idea
what's happening in the real world. Shit Caitlin! You asked me when I
started smoking!"
"I admit, we haven't seen as much of each other as we used to, but you
have to understand Carl needs me as well as you!"
"Oh really? Is Carl failing English? Is Carl getting shit from his
parents? Did Carl's Grandad die?"
"Grandad? Oh Nina! He didn't? God, I didn't know - why didn't you tell
me?"
"I tried, but you're always too busy with HIM."
"Nina, that's not fair! You know I would have made time for you.
Anyway, why am I getting flack for being self-absorbed? It seems to me
you're the one who's being selfish; Nina you can't expect me to drop
everything just 'cause you want to talk!"
"You don't understand, do you?"

MONDAY
Miss Douglas' office is designed to make you feel intimidated. Her desk
is so big that she needs a height adjustable chair to be able to rest
her elbows on it. The person sat opposite to her though can only just
see over the desk, as the school is too cheap to buy another special
chair. The back wall is covered in posters advertising help lines,
school safety measures and past school productions. The venetian blinds
are drawn half closed, allowing us a peek of the world, but also
letting us know that we can't yet touch it. And the walls are painted
what I presume was a nice colour green back when it was first painted,
but over the years has discoloured to look like the walls are actually
decaying. The whole room depressed me beyond belief.
"Nina, what can I do for you?"
"I finished filling in the form last night, I brought it in for
you."
"Excellent! I'll write your reference tonight and we'll have it in the
post first thing tomorrow."
"Thanks"
Just as I'm about to escape, and stop myself from being sucked into the
walls, she calls me back.
"I didn't see your essay in the pile yesterday..."
"I had some trouble with the printer. I should have it for you
tomorrow."
"It didn't have to be typed, you know."
"I know, I just prefer to work on the computer."
"I want it on my desk first thing tomorrow morning, is that
clear?"
"Crystal."
6th November
So many thoughts racing through my head, my body's alive, but inside
I'm dead. I've been living inside the same four walls for nearly 18
years now, which has allowed me to inspect every square inch. The walls
are closing in on me and I'm trapped, 'cause I still can't find the
door. But as I look at the stars, I see my Grandad smiling; he is
beckoning me to join him, for he knows I will be happy there with
him...I want to be happy.
When I got home, the house was dead. On the fridge was a note from my
mother, that read; 'Decided to take Jamie to the pictures, won't be
back 'till late. Dad's gone to London, will call at 9pm.'

TUESDAY
This morning I realised that there was no point in me being here,
nobody cares so why should I stay? In a small bag I've just packed the
essentials. Couple of tops, bottoms, underwear, my diary, purse with
?12.64 and account cards, and some sunglasses. Just as I was about to
leave the house I went into the drinks cabinet and took a bottle of
vodka and my mother's pills she takes for her anxiety. Why? I didn't
know, but maybe my subconscious knew something I didn't. With my bag
packed I went to my habitat.
It's a beautiful day, with there not a cloud in sight and the sun
shining brightly, making the grass sparkle. I sit on the hill next to
the Railway Bridge with a small two-track station. Out of my backpack I
take out the bottle of vodka and the bottle of little pink pills and
place them side by side in front of me. I think about Caitlin, about
Mum, Dad and Jamie, about my schoolwork and of course my Grandma and
Grandad.
7th November
I can no longer carry on with this charade that is my life. I need to
start anew - I must move on.

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