5. Janet and John and the Christmas Play

It is nearly Christmas.
Janet and John like Christmas.
John likes Christmas because he believes in Santa.
Janet likes Christmas because there are tons of
booze and fags in the house.

This is because Janet and John’s Mummy likes Christmas too.
She likes it so much she starts celebrating on the first of December.
She is not sober again until she gets her credit card bill in January.
This means Janet does not have to go down to the railway bridge
for a smoke and a drink.

Mrs. Ludlow is Janet’s teacher.
She is plump and jolly.
She is plump because she is a comfort eater.
She is jolly because she takes little sips
from her flask when she thinks no one is looking.
Mrs. Ludlow likes Christmas because she does
not have to see her class for two weeks.

Not long ago Janet and John’s school had an OFSTED inspection.
Mrs Ludlow did not have any nips from her flask.
Mrs. Ludlow was fat and miserable.
Now she is making up for lost time.
She is also choosing who will be what in the Christmas play.
As she does this she giggles a lot.

Janet watches Mrs. Ludlow choosing and giggling.
Janet frowns. Janet hopes that she will not be chosen.
Janet thinks that the Christmas play is a waste of time.
Janet thinks school is a waste of time.
As far as her school is concerned, Janet is probably right.

Janet knows that John will be in the play. He is in Year 5.
All the Year 5 children will be animals or angels.
Janet is in Year 6. She thinks she is too grown up to be in the play.
As far as she is concerned, Janet is probably right.

“Errol Walker will be Joseph,” says Mrs Ludlow.
Errol looks at Mrs Ludlow. Errol shakes his head.
Mrs. Ludlow always picks Errol first.

“Mary Miller will be Mary,” says Mrs Ludlow.
Mary looks at Errol. “Hello big boy,” says Mary.
Mary is Janet’s friend. Mary is also too grown up to be in the play.

“Darren Gubbins will be Gabriel,” says Mrs Ludlow.
Darren says something filthy under his breath.
Darren is the school bully. He is big and has big boots and a skinhead cut.
Because Darren is the school bully nobody laughs, nobody except Mary.
Darren is frightened of Mary. He knows that she might tell his mummy
he asked to see her knickers.

Mrs. Ludlow has picked all the roles. Janet has not been chosen.
Janet is pleased. “Janet Smith is the narrator,” says Mrs. Ludlow.
Mrs. Ludlow winks at Janet and giggles.

Mary meets John in the playground.
John is very happy.
“I am going to be a sheep,” says John.
“Typecast again,” says Janet.
“What?” says John
“Never mind,” says Janet.

Mrs Ludlow decides to rehearse the Christmas play.
Darren is standing on a stool. He has a big scowl.
He is wearing a sheet. His boots stick out at the bottom.
His halo is bent and his wings are drooping.
He feels like a complete idiot. He certainly looks like one.

“Smile Darren,” says Mrs. Ludlow.

Darren mutters something. Janet can’t hear what he says,
except it ends in “off”.

Mary and Errol come in. Mrs. Ludlow sends Mary out to fix her robe
so it is below the knee. Mary comes back in again. She has fixed her robe.
She has pushed a cushion up the front. Mrs. Ludlow sends Mary out again to get a smaller cushion.

Mrs. Lush comes in.
Mrs. Lush is wearing a short skirt.
Mrs. Lush is wearing a tight blouse.
Mrs. Lush is wearing her nose ring.
Mrs. Lush is showing her tattoos.
Mrs. Lush is wearing a low cut dress.
Mrs. Lush is wearing knee length boots.
The OFSTED is over.

Mrs. Lush looks at Darren. She looks at him.
She giggles. She looks at Mrs. Ludlow.
Mrs. Ludlow giggles. Mrs Lush laughs.
Mrs. Ludlow laughs. Then she starts to hiccough.

Darren is very cross. He gets off his stool.
He walks over to Mrs. Lush. He says something to Mrs. Lush.
Janet cannot hear what Darren says.
She is sure what he said to Mrs Lush was not nice.
She is sure because Mrs Lush goes red and slaps Darren’s face.
Mrs. Ludlow stops laughing. And hiccoughing.

It is the night of the performance. Lots of Mummies are there.
Some Daddies are there. Some of the Daddies are sitting with different Mummies than the year before. Some of the Daddies are new Daddies.
Mr. Snelgrove is sitting in the front row. Mr. Snelgrove is the Head.
He is sitting next to Mrs. Lush. Mr. Snelgrove likes Mrs. Lush a lot.

On Mr. Snelgrove’s other side is Mr. Gupta.
Mr. Gupta is a Governor.
Mr. Gupta is a Councillor.
Mr. Gupta is wishing he was somewhere else.

Darren is not Gabriel any more, because he said naughty words to Mrs. Lush.
Darren is now the Innkeeper. He is pleased because he does not have to dress like a poof.

The play is starting.
Janet says, “Joseph and Mary arrive at the Inn.”
Mary has hitched up her robe again.
She is wearing the big cushion.
Mrs. Ludlow goes into a corner and has a nip from her flask.
John bleats. John likes bleating. He has been practising his bleat for days.
Janet shakes her head. “Not yet John,” she hisses.

Errol knocks on the door.
Darren opens the door. He looks at Errol.
“Yo dude,” says Errol. “Any room at the Inn?”
There is a long silence. Darren stares at Errol.
Janet is sure Darren is going to punch him.

Then Darren says, “Yeah, tons of room mate, come on in.”

Janet looks at Errol. He is standing with his mouth open.
Janet looks at Mary. Mary’s shoulders are shaking.
Janet looks at Mrs. Ludlow. Mrs. Ludlow is lying down.
Janet looks at John.

John says, “Can I bleat now?”