BBQ Bill

It's the smell that gets me. Every time. It has to be made right, or
it doesn't work. The smell is why I do it. I'm not an idealist. I'm
pragmatic. I am cleansing. Doing the world a favour. But really it's
about the smell.

You have to pack cotton wool at the bottom (it always catches really
quickly so you don't need 'additional'). Then you get a few shreds of
paper, you have to tear them up really small, if they're to big the
blue lights find them and then you're for it, so make them tiny. About
the size of mange tout - you know posh peas. And never, never use
shreds with writing on them. Ink doesn't burn. It leaves a residue.
Next you have to get some plastic, not too much or they feel it too
quickly, or else they smell it. Never use coloured plastic, and never
too thick, you know, heavy. Coloured is too full of chemicals, more
than clear anyway. The best stuff is cling film, and face it, no-one
ever got done for carrying cling film as a offensive weapon. And you
can scrunch it up, into a golf ball, but still have loads in your
pocket.

Did I mention, you have to start at the head? Baldies are no good, it's
the hair that helps, especially if they've been out there for a while.
The grease and sweat is fantastic. Then you do the feet. It's better if
they don't have shoes - too easy to trace back, like a fingerprint. You
don't want the relatives finding out. You don't want some kid, long
forgotten, turning up, all tearful wanting justice. Asking questions.
It's too much agro. That's why you have to choose carefully.

Preparation is important. It has to be dark, but you have to set it up
right. Only don't go too close to the last one. It has to be in a
different county - blue lights hate talking to foreigners, frightened
they'll nick the glory. But that works for me. It's better to be away
from houses and offices too. Knackered out old industrial areas, think
of any film with a stalker or murder or kidnap and you know the place.
There are always loads of them there, one's with no mates, and the pubs
are rough. No-one gives a shit. But don't get seen. Use a bike - pedal
not motor - too much noise, attention. Push bikes are best - but not
fancy ones. Don't get mugged. I tried one of those fold away scooters
once, hid it in a bin. It was crap. Too fiddly.

Then you do the torso. You have to keep really quiet all the time
though. It's expensive, but leave half a bottle of Vodka or something
there. About an hour before. Then they don't wake up. You have to
watch. Make sure they are stoned. Brain dead. Check the eyes. REM,
that's when you make your move. But keep quiet. Have everything ready.
Don't be tearing or scrunching. I got seen once. I was the last thing
he saw. That second sealed it.

They have to be old. At least 60, or it takes too long. And it smells
wrong. Old smells better.

When you've done the plastic you have to get the bags. Big ones. This
is important. They have to be the ones with lines in them. Paper. Not
cheap pulpy ones. Ones like wrapping round parcels. You know, dark
line, light line. If you can't get them don't do it. Oh, and they have
to be brown. And, same as before. No writing. You have to lay them out.
Mold them to the shape. Quietly. That's why they have to have lines.
Cheap ones rattle. Put them inside the coat, or the blanket. Don't be
mean with them. If it moves stop. If you did it right they won't see
you even if they wake up. They just think it's a rat. Nearly
done.

Don't turn your back, but check around. Oh, and make sure it's a smoker
you chose too. That's really important. It's your insurance policy. Get
your magic fire stick. Windproof. They're the best. Quiet and they work
first time. You have to go for the head first. Then feet. Then torso.
You should have made about five piles around the torso. Always get the
cotton wool, not the plastic or paper. That gives you time to move
away. To get into your viewing hole. The last thing you do is gently
lay a single piece of cling film over the face. Loosely. Then leave.
Don't go too far or you won't smell.

Then watch. And smell. If you've done it right they don't wake up. With
a bit of luck they spilt vodka down themselves. But watch. And smell.
You will never taste smoke like it. Fresh boiling blood, spitting fat,
crackling when the skin turns. It's not like when you smell a barbeque,
it's more than that. Intense. You let it fill your lungs, watch the
beauty of the flames as they gently caress the body. Make your eyes
stay wide open. Don't blink. Feel the warmth as the plastic moulds to
the face. Stops the breath gently. Makes them forget to struggle if
they do wake. It's not the heat that kills them. It's
suffocation.

I love the headlines and the by lines. They just don't get it.

' Homeless Man, Found Dead '. Police have today ruled out foul play.
Forensic and Fire Brigade Scientists believe the victim may have
experienced the phenomenon commonly known as spontaneous combustion.
The man has yet to be identified and a search has been made for his
dental records'.

Job done.