Moustache maketh the Man

Why is that all fascist dictators have ludicrous moustaches? Take
Adolf Hitler for example his moustache we can put under the category
ridiculous. You can imagine looking at an old photo of young Adolf and
his mates and if someone asked you which of these men would go on to be
a neurotic, power mad fascist dictator your eye would inexorably be
drawn to Adolf's moustache. In the moustache world this neat little
trimmed patch of facial fur suggests deep insecurities and mental
instability.


In stark contrast we have Saddam Hussein's bold bushy facial
furniture. A moustache that tells the world I am right disagree with me
and you will get a visit in the small hours of the night. A grade a
nutter's moustache that is unashamedly bushy and defies the world to
try and trim it.


Moving on from dictators we have philosophers. Friedrich
Nietzsche was an often controversial philosopher. He joins Saddam in
the "bushy" style of moustache. To be honest anyone that spends all
their time contemplating the meaning of the universe has obviously
taken too many quality drugs. If this person also has a massively bushy
moustache then we can file them under the category "Total and utter
fruitcake to be avoided at all costs". To quote the band All About Eve
when talking about Nietzsche as a teacher: "He aint worth an apple."
Keep this man away from the young and sweet furry animals at all
costs!


Next we have Poirot. Not much needs to be said here, not only
was his facial hair laughable he was Belgian and a smug git. Enough
said.


Much as I hate to diss a colleague Carl Jung's moustache was
a little grey wisp of nothing hardly worth a mention. Much like his
theories really.


The link between moustaches and utter lunacy is strong. If
someone sporting a bushy caterpillar on their top lip approaches you my
message is simple, run for your life! If you daughter brings home a boy
sporting a bad teen moustache reach for the shotgun. If your therapist
has a moustache you can bet your life that your genitals will be wired
up to an electric shock machine before you can say great balls of fire!
If your head teacher has a moustache you can be certain that if you
step out of line your arse will end up redder than a baboons with a
penchant for vindaloos. If you're driving through a red neck town
somewhere near Virginia and you are stopped by a traffic cop with a
moustache you can be bet that you will end up as a sex toy for him and
his moustachioed for the next 15 years.


Take my advice as a trained psychologist. If you are thinking
of growing a moustache DON'T! Seek immediate psychological help from
someone without facial fur!


Look out for my next article?Goatees are the devil's work