Animal Rights Action
Earlier today a spokeswoman for PFFAR (People For Fluffiness Against Rationality), the 'animal rights' activists announced that overnight they had broken into Tewkesbury University and liberated over fifty "'so-called' students" from its science departments.
"These 'students', the spokeswoman," Gully Usefulidiot, claimed, "are used by the evil university to partake in unnecessary and pointless 'learning'. Some of these poor creatures are forced - or at least expected - to attend as many as two or three lectures a week where they are forced to undergo the ordeal of learning the Western hegemonic patriarchy's so-called science! This horrific and barbaric practice is nothing less than torture, inflicted on these poor innocent defenceless creatures by those evil scientists."
Asked by a journalist what her organisation had against science, Usefulidiot replied, "Isn't it obvious? Without the evils of science we would all be able to lead natural lives, like the bunny rabbits and the pretty white mice."
"But hasn't science done a great deal of good?" asked another journalist.
"No, of course not," Usefulidiot stated emphatically. "It is all propaganda put out by the military-industrial scientific cabal that controls the world, including the media. After all, science didn't cure the Black Death, did it? So all its claims are obviously nothing but evil propaganda, lies and distortions."
"Anyway," she continued, returning to her prepared statement. "We hope to liberate these poor 'students' out into the wild where, with a bit of luck they will soon forget about such harmful things as facts, logic, the scientific method, proof and so on. They will soon learn to live in peace and harmony like the foxes and chickens, the owls and the mice, and all the other cute fluffy creatures do."
However, later this morning, a spokeswoman for the university condemned the action, claiming that "these students once educated and a bit more mature, would have made a great contribution to society in all manner of fields from medicine to engineering, to veterinary work, to solving the world's environmental problems. Although it may sometimes seem cruel to make students learn things, the work we do here - in the university science departments - is vital for the futures of all of us in society. As for releasing students out into the wild, I can't think of anything more stupid, shortsighted or dangerous. Most of our students are from the middle-classes, they will not be able to survive for even a week without being bailed out by their parents. Some of the male students, for example, have never seen a frying pan, let alone know what it is used for."
The Chief Constable for the Tewkesbury police said, at a later press conference, "We utterly condemn this thoughtless and dangerous action by the PFFAR. Letting students out into the wild could have very tragic consequences and may force us into filling out several otherwise unnecessary forms. We would advise members of the general public not to approach any students they see roaming the streets, as outside their natural habitat of the campus, they can become very confused and disorientated. Although some of them may look cute and approachable, it must be remembered that most of them are still almost teenagers and therefore should not be brought into the home under any circumstances. Remember, if you do see anyone you might suspect of being a student, please contact either your local police station or the university and they will - eventually - send out trained professionals to herd the students back to the safety of their campus. Thank you."