Bumf Oddball's 'How To Watch Wife-Swappers'

Tonight BBC3.1428 sees the first programme in the new 'how to watch' series staring Bumf Oddball. In this new series Oddball is taught how to go Swinger-spotting by 'Offthewristers', those dedicated people whose hobby is covertly watching swinging parties, 'What we amateurs call 'wife-swapping,' says Bumf near the beginning of the first programme. 'It is not long now until spring is upon us once again. The Offthewristers will board their transportation unicycles and head out into the wilds of the suburbs on their first orgy watch of the New Year.'

'Of course,' as Bumph admits in a later programme in the series, 'without a doubt suburban orgies, wife-swapping parties and all the other meetings of 'swingers' do occur in the winter months.' But, as Bumf discovers, those short days and long cold nights are not conducive for the swinger-spotters. After all, only the most devoted enthusiast would be prepared to spend a long December night in a hide in some suburban garden hoping that for a mere glimpse of naughty goings-on through some steaming-up window. Anyway, even if the watcher did strike lucky, the odds are that in such cold and dark conditions the 'swingers' will have closed the curtains, making the watcher's night-time vigil both pointless and frustrating.

However, once the spring arrives and the evenings grow both longer and lighter, then swinger watching really becomes worthwhile once more. Not only does the increasing warmth and light mean that it is easier to spot those shy creatures, the swingers, going about their sexual dalliances, it also means that, as they have less desire to close the curtains against the cold and dark, then some serious spotting can take place, possibly including photography. Sometimes, if the conditions are suitable, even filming of the action is often possible.

Spring and summer also brings about new growth in the gardens where the watchers have their hides, which means that not only can the watchers linger longer; it also means that they can sometimes almost get within touching distance of their objects of interest. Sometimes it is the closest the watchers have ever managed to get towards touching a real woman.

At the close of tonight's programme, Bumf joins an Offthewrister in a garden hide in order to watch the Grimsby Swinger's club at their first meet of the year at the local vicarage. During the evening, Bumf and the local Offthewrister get quite a few photographs of the rarely seen mating rituals of the Grimsby swingers, including the one, never before captured on film, where they use baby oil, a spatula and rubber waders.

Unfortunately, only too soon, the enthralled watcher's well-developed hearing picks up the sound of distant police sirens growing ever closer. So, he suggests that he and Bumf will, however reluctantly, must hastily leave the hide and leg it off into the growing twilight, confident however, that - if they can evade detection, this time - they will be back for the next programme in the series at the same time next week.