Celebrity Accountancy On Ice

Munchkin Coinslot came to our TV screens from the hectic glamorous world of internal auditing in order to bring her much needed professional experience to the judging panel of ITV’s hit new Saturday early evening show Celebrity Accountancy On Ice.

The show combines the now de-rigueur P-list celebrity, desperate for any work, up to and including panto and ads for the most downmarket couchpotato deep-frozen swill emporium (which co-incidentally sponsors this very show), partnered by a professional accountant specialising in ice skating-based auditing, all in front of a judging panel and live audience with the now essential, and essentially-lucrative, TV audience phone poll.

Reconciling invoices, or even balancing a cash book, is quite a skill, especially when done whilst skating around an ice-ring. Therefore, it seems, a very popular part of the show are the so-called outtakes where – for example - a contestant forgets to carry the seven whilst engaged in skating backwards into her partner’s outstretched arms as the obligatory Ravel’s Bolero builds towards its climax.

The judging panel features Bile Tosspot, the most garrulously camp and pernickety piss-taking ‘talent’ show judge on the circuit whose acidic put-downs of contestants have already been declared illegally offensive in several European states is – quite obviously – the one the public have come to loathe (as per the script), while his foil, Munchkin Coinslot, always has a word or two of encouragement, even for those alleged ‘celebrities’ incapable of even filing an invoice whilst skating backwards at speed. The third judge, Rabbitty Airhead, is, of course, only there to show off her superbly-engineered cleavage whilst spouting the first piece of homespun pointless drivel that escapes her lips without the tedious voyage across the wide-open plains of her brain.

The show has been – of course – an instant success. Combining the skill and glamour of accountancy with the pointless expertise of ice-skating was a stroke of genius, as was the casting of the judging panel that combines the one the audience loves to hate going up against the one the audience love to love several times per episode as each pair of ice-stating auditor and celebrity stand there awaiting judgement on their technique.

Already commissioned for a further 10 series, and sold to 97 other countries, and Canada, it seems that Celebrity Accountancy On Ice will continue as long as there are celebrities - and ice-skating accountants – willing to fall on their arses in front of the viewing millions. Consequently, there is no reason why the show should not go on forever.