God Condemns 'So-Called Intelligent Design'
At a press conference called earlier today, a being claiming to be God severely criticised and denounced the cod-scientific movement known as Intelligent Design (ID), claiming 'it has absolutely nothing to do with me at all. Self-replicating DNA, evolving organisms with random mutation - I mean, come on people, it is so obvious.'
He went on to say, 'All this creationist nonsense is so embarrassing, especially as I'm supposed to be omnipotent. Intelligent design? Putting the sex organs and the excretory organs together on the same bit of body? You call that intelligent? What about the appendix, eh? Back-ache? Giraffes, even - I could have just made smaller trees. I mean, come on, do I look like a cowboy builder?'
Asked why he had not spoken out before, God mumbled, 'Well, y'know, on the Seventh Day we had to go out and do a bit of shopping. What with all the parking problems, I admit I was away an eon or two longer than I'd expected. But when I got back, there were all these messages on the answering machine, especially all these about this so-called Intelligent Design… well… I just felt I couldn't stay silent any longer.'
'To tell you the truth,' He admitted. 'I was supposed to only be temporary. It is supposed to go from primitive animism through a pantheon of Gods to a single God - me, of course - and then on to scientific rational materialism. I was - according to the contract - supposed to retire quietly a century or two ago, and just… I dunno… fade from the scene. The wife and I had picked out a lovely little retirement bungalow down on the south coast and everything. I was looking forward to doing a bit of gardening, actually. I like gardens, as you probably know.'
'Anyway,' He sighed. 'I keep getting all these calls from folk begging me to intercede on their behalf, smite their enemies, improve their sex life, make them rich, all sorts of things. Frankly, I just don't want to get involved. It's none of my business how people want to lead their lives.'
Asked about the recent climactic disasters, God was adamant that none of them were any of his doing. 'Surely, you must have heard of the butterfly effect?' he retorted angrily. when faced with repeated questioning. 'If I try to stop a hurricane in, say Florida, the effects of that would spread all around the world. You'd end up with all sorts of odd things happening elsewhere like a volcano erupting in Paris, or a hailstorm in the Sahara desert, or have it raining frogs in Peru, or something. Nature's a tricky business at the best of times, buggering about with it is just asking for trouble, if you ask me.'
Finally, he said, 'I mean, what's wrong with Darwin? He had a far better beard than Moses had, and even if he did write a book just as fat as the Bible, it was much easier to read. The Bible… pah, all that thingy begat doodah, who begat whatsisname and so on, and on. It just got on my nerves. Actually, to be honest, I never did read all of it. It was mostly Moses' idea, really. We had a few beers - as you do - together one night, and just started making stuff up. Come on, I mean, that Noah's Ark? Be serious. What do you think would happen if you get a couple of loins crammed into a small space with a brace of zebras? Not to mention dogs and cats… and mice as well. Bloody anarchy, that's what you'd have. You need more than a few pints in you for anything like that to make sense. Anyway, I must be off now. I promised the wife a night out on the town. Good-bye, and thanks for listening.'