A Knight of the Realm
Hopalite Trebuchet was probably one of the greatest Knights in English history. He was more famous in his day that Robin Hood, Richard the Lionheart, Doris the Bold and Sir Steve the Bastard put together.
Not only did Trebuchet turn out for both sides during the War of the Roses, coming on as a late substitute for the Yorkist side at the battle of Tewkesbury, he was also one of the Lancastrian’s leading scorers.
Not only that, he was also a leading knight in the lesser known War of the Milk Tray. Notably scoring a particularly impressive victory against the Soft Centres at the battle of Caramel.
Of course, Trebuchet was not only a master of the battlefield, especially in is use of the tactic known as ‘running away’ while in full body armour. He was also adept at the aristocratic sport of jousting, where he was rumoured, especially amongst the Queen’s ladies-in-waiting, to have the longest lance any of them had handled on the tournament field.
However, it was during England’s semi-permanent war with the French that Trebuchet earned his greatest glory. As most of the battles took place on French soil, the chivalric rule that away victories counted double came into play. So even if the British only managed a draw against the usually greater numbers of French knights, then the battle would be awarded to the British. This despite the French often outscoring the English knights on artistic interpretation.
It was during the battle for Calais, despite the French army’s overwhelming superiority in battle-ready Camembert, that the English forces led by Trebuchet managed to lay siege to a French hypermarket. They liberated several cases of high-value wine and a cartload of French beer before heading back for a victory stagger through the streets of London.
However, disaster struck Trebuchet when he fell off his horse in full armour during that victory stagger, severely denting his curiass. Despite frantic efforts by the king’s own surgeons, none of the crude tin openers of the day could free him and Trebuchet died two days later.
He was given a state funeral with his eulogy read by the King himself and buried with full honours in Westminster Abbey. Consequently, he will always be remembered as one of the greats of British medieval history.