Sink or Swim

Sunday lunch, the week before her fifteenth birthday. Laura's father had come for lunch at her grandparent's house and he had bought some friends. His friends were irritating, as she knew they would be, and her hopes of spending quality time with him had been spoiled.
After the plates were cleared and the pudding had been eaten, Laura's father told a story about Laura's cousin Edward and their elderly and absent minded Great Aunt Julia.
Laura had heard him tell it a hundred times before and knew that every word of it was untrue. She watched the others lapping it up and her mother, staring at her lap, her expression unreadable.
Her father had first told the story about Great Aunt Julia throwing Edward into the pool in order to satisfy her grandparent's curiosity, as a sort of joke.
It went down so well and was so entirely believable that he stuck with it and it became a stock family story, wheeled out at Christmas and on special occasions.
The effect on Laura was a mixture of admiration for her Father's ingenuity and a distant but definite sense of guilt.
Each time he told the fake story she felt the presence of the true one hovering close by, like a ghost.

Great Aunt Julia had been put in charge of Laura and Edward that day and they had been by the pool. Laura had been about ten and Edward a few years younger than that.
It was true that Edward couldn't swim and true that he had ended up fighting for his life in the deep end.
It was perhaps the kind of thing that Aunt Julia might have done; she certainly disapproved of most things, especially children.
But Great Aunt Julia had not pushed Edward into the pool. Laura had.
She remembered it clearly still; it was soon after her father had left and Laura and her mother had spent the summer at her grandparents.
Her father, who at that time came to see them fairly frequently, had come to visit for the day. Laura had been looking forward to it for days; her head filled with how she would show him this or tell him that.
The Robinsons, old family friends who had a young son, Edward, had also been invited round for a swim.
Laura disliked Edward; he was much younger than her and whiny. She was always being told to play nicely with him or look after him. She resented him being there at all in fact, particularly because her father was visiting and she didn't want any minute of the time she had with him to be wasted.
From the minute her father arrived she did everything she could to be near him; she climbed onto his lap, sat next to him when he ate and tried to show him how well she could hold her breath under water. For a while he tolerated her clinginess and duly timed her while she held her breath.
She must have sensed a certain distance in him though because whatever he did it wasn't enough and she became more and more determined to seek him out.
Eventually he lost his temper, pushing her off his lap and shouting at her mother,
'For God's sake, Robyn! Can't you do something? She's driving me nuts. Don't you give her any attention when I'm not here?'
Laura burst into noisy tears.
Her mother swiftly ushered her out of the way and into the garden, where she sat miserably underneath the open window, listening to them argue.
Both her parents were clearly relieved when the Robinsons arrived. Forced to put on a united front they set aside their arguments and busied themselves with entertaining their friends.
Laura, however, was even more put out than before. Her parents, now that she had a 'little friend' to play with, clearly expected her to amuse both herself and Edward.
But Edward was too young and didn't know how to play properly, and besides she didn't want to be with him, she wanted to be with them.
The grown ups all settled down to talk by the pool and Laura spent her time jumping noisily into it.
Her jumps became more and more elaborate. She loved the sensation of hitting the surface and letting herself fall, limbs splayed and cushioned by the water, hair drifting up towards the light.
Bursting back up through the surface she felt the warm air envelop her, instantly drying the top of her head.
Edward didn't know how to swim and wasn't allowed in the water without an adult. This leant her games a grown up and faintly dangerous quality which pleased her.
After she tired of playing on her own, she begged and begged her father to come in the water with her. He refused, as he was too busy talking to his guests, but told her he would watch her jumping while he talked.
Disappointed she stopped jumping altogether, crouching low in the water to keep herself warm, spying on her father from her place in the pool.
After what seemed like ages, her arms covered in goose bumps and the tips of her finger nails a bluish purply colour, she decided to get out.
Paddling over to the ladder, she kicked hard, sending splashes high into the air, making her displeasure visible.
Reaching the ladder she pulled herself up onto the first rung, the metal hot on her hands. As she reached the second rung she saw her father leave his chair and walk towards the pool house.
Her heart leapt; he had changed his mind.
She pushed herself off the ladder and landed back in the water, sinking almost to the bottom.
Resurfacing she saw him emerge wearing a pair of blue swimming shorts.
She swum to the side and propped herself up on the concrete ledge so that she could see better; her fingers curled over the side, the watery prints spreading and dying the concrete a darker shade of grey.
Her father walked towards the pool and Laura smiled. Before reaching the ladder he bent down and scooped up a smiling Edward.
Laura watched, mortified, as he rolled a pair of orange arm bands carefully over Edward's arms and carried him down the steps and into the water.
She was furious.
Pushing her self off the side she paddled over to him.
'Laura, don't splash, you're worrying Edward.'
She glared at Edward whose face had crumpled up and turned pink and who was trying his best to hide in her father's arms.
'But you said you were busy and you couldn't play with me!' she said, her voice high and dangerously close to a whine.
'Oh, for goodness sake, I'm here now aren't I?'
Her lips trembled and her father softened,
'Look, I know you wanted me to come in the water with you and I'm sorry, but now I am in the water and I promise to play, ok?'
She was mildly persuaded by this but it didn't remove the fact that the lumpen Edward was still in his arms, a serious obstacle to any fun.
'Well ok, but Edward's too little to play properly and he doesn't like splashing.'
Her father drew an audible breath.
'Ok, Laura, but we'll play gently and we don't have to splash. It's far more difficult to play quietly, anyone can splash.'
The game consisted of her father seeing how far she could swim underwater while he tried, unsuccessfully, to manoeuvre Edward into the pool.
Each time Edward's toe so much as touched the surface of the water he let out a scream and wriggled back into her fathers arms.
Edward's anxiety interrupted her father's concentration and he soon lost track of how far Laura had gone.
Fed up, she swam up to him and demanded that he pay attention.
'There's no point doing it if you don't watch, you're supposed to tell me how far I've swum.'
'I know, I know. Look let me put Edward down and then I'll come back in, ok?' he winked at her and she grinned, relieved.
He climbed out of the pool, Edward still clinging to him.
Laura turned her attention back to staying under water for as long as she could and waited for her father.
After a while her ears started to hurt and she began to shiver. Her father had not appeared.
Climbing out of the pool, she found the garden empty except for Great Aunt Julia who was perched uncomfortably on a garden chair staring at Edward, who sat at her feet playing with some grass.
'Where's dad?' she asked, sharply.
Julia looked up and appeared, for a moment, not to know.
'Oh, yes, of course. They have gone to the house and your father will be back in a moment. He said to look after Edward and to keep an eye on you.'
She sounded as if she were reciting something learnt by heart.
'Well why didn't they tell me?' she was almost shouting and Great Aunt Julia gave her a withering stare.
'Now dear, don't raise your voice at me. I have been instructed to keep an eye on you and that is what I am doing. You will stay right there until your father returns.'
Laura grabbed a towel and went to stand by the edge of the pool.
She hated this place. She hated Aunt Julia, who, as far as she could tell, was nobody's actual Aunt, and she hated Edward for being such a baby and ruining everything.
Edward, who had followed her away from Aunt Julia's gaze, tugged at her hand. She looked down at him, wishing again that he would go away. He smiled a toothy smile.
She tried to pull her hand away from his but his pudgy little fingers clasped hers more tightly.
She pulled harder, he started to whinge but didn't let go.
Using her other hand she prised his fingers away from hers one by one. As she did so his whining grew louder.
She thought she heard Aunt Julia say something but Edward's cries drowned her out.
He tried to hold her hand again and this time she gave him a shove.
It was a hard shove, right in the middle of his chest, using both of her hands.
He looked at her, his face frozen with shock, before flying backwards, tripping over the edge and landing in the pool.
There was a brief moment of silence.
Aunt Julia rose from her chair. Laura stayed very still and then Edward's screams started, low at first but rising quickly to a piercing pitch.
Julia was shouting and Laura, at last able to move, went to the edge of the pool. Her heart was thudding and her skin grew cold and clammy. Little hairs rose up on the back of her neck.
Her thoughts came slowly. Things happened around her as if she were watching them on a screen.
Her father appeared from nowhere, vaulting the fence and running hard across the small patch of grass.
Reaching the pool he jumped in. Edward screamed harder.
Laura's father gathered the flailing Edward in his arms and climbed back out of the pool. He stood dripping onto the grass, Edward's arms wrapped tight around his neck.
Julia and Laura stood side by side, watching him and saying nothing.
Later, when Edward had been returned to his grateful parents, her father demanded an explanation.
Great Aunt Julia pleaded old age and forgetfulness,
'And besides, I had thought that I could take my eye off him for just one minute. I had assumed Laura to be a responsible child. Clearly I was mistaken.'
Laura, incensed and heavy with guilt, flew at her father.
'But she was the one in charge. I wasn't supposed to be watching him anyway. You left me on my own with them. He shouldn't be such a cry baby. I hate him, I wish he had drowned.'
The words hung between them, almost visible.
Great Aunt Julia barely concealed a smile.
The colour left her father's face. Lunging forward he grabbed Laura by the arm and dragged her out of earshot.
'You're hurting me.'
She knew she had gone too far but there was no way she could take it back.
'Listen to me' he was hissing at her; she had never seen him so angry. 'Don't you ever say anything like that again, do you hear me?'
He pressed his face close to hers; she could feel his breath on her cheek. His hand still gripped her arm hard.
'Did you push him? Laura, did you? You've been behaving like a brat all day and if I think you had anything to do with this, and I mean anything, I'll¦'
He trailed off, his face paled and he slumped suddenly, all of the anger leaving his body. He was breathing heavily.
She stood as still as she could, her eyes wide open, her chest tight, too frightened to breath. She couldn't find the words to speak.
Her father crouched down, his face level with hers.
'Laura, I don't know what to do with you.' His voice trembled and for a moment she thought he was going to cry. He looked so sad that she couldn't bear it.
She rushed towards him,
'Dad, I'm sorry. Please, please don't¦' she threw himself into her arms.
'I'm sorry..' she started to cry, burying her face in his still wet shirt.
He hugged her tight for a moment before holding her face in his hands, his fingers digging into her cheeks.
'Laura, I love you, you know that? I'm sorry about your mother and I¦'
She squeezed him tighter, pressing herself into his chest, wishing that she hadn't pushed Edward, wishing that everything could be different.
He picked her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist. A moment later he put her back down,
'You're too heavy' it was an attempt at humour but his face looked tired and his shoulders drooped. It was her fault.
They walked back to the house together in silence.
Her mother was waiting by the door, her face pinched with anxiety. They disappeared to talk.
She never knew what her father told her mother or what exactly they talked about. They certainly never discussed it with her and she had been happy to let the subject drop.

The story had sobered her.
She wondered if her father had told it on purpose, to remind her of what she had done, as revenge for sulking through lunch. She shook the idea from her head, no; it was probably just a tried and tested way of entertaining the guests, or perhaps he had told it so many times now that he actually believed it.
She looked across at her mother who was involved in a conversation with one of the guests. Her smile was papery and unconvincing. Laura felt the similarity between them.
They needed her father. They were stuck, unfinished somehow and Laura couldn't see how they could ever be or do anything good without him.
She looked around her and wanted them all gone. Squeezing her eyes tight shut, she wished, hard, that they would all go away and let her family put themselves back together again.