If I Was Your Friend

There’s something about the morning that feels tragic to miss in its wake, the early blue skies, the fresh new songs, the birds,  the wind untainted, blowing without too many people in its way and more importantly who comes to mind...

“Hey human,” I thought, thinking of what to say next. I miss you…

“Dammit!” I cursed, knocking over the mini clock on my bed stand. My alarm should’ve gone off by now, I thought, stepping out of bed to pick it up.

“Right.” I turned the clock by its head, noticing I’d turned it off.  “Happy Birthday Pogue,” I said to myself, heading to the bathroom, set on getting rid of my morning breath and the night odour before my run.

 

I want to kiss your soul with my lips—

 

My phone.

 

Taste and take the nature of your pain—

 

Boom! Boom! The door.

 

Door first. I rinsed my mouth, meeting the man in the mirror.

“Hey human,” I said to myself.  “Perhaps you don’t know who you are but there is someone in you, you remember,” I recited, walking out.  My phone still singing. “And something has changed in you, something has happened, and that you understand.”

I looked through the peep hole, he had his back towards me. His broad shoulders gave his gender away. That and he looked like he never skipped arm day. Nothing peacock about his style, I noted.

 

“Can I help you?” I opened the door slightly. The lock still on its hook.

“Pogue Simms?”

“That’s... that’s me.”

“Detective Jon Cave from missing persons.”

He flashed some ID, the badge disappeared before I even blinked. “Missing Persons? Do I look missing?”

“Clearly.” He was stern. “I’m here about your girlfriend.”

“My girlfriend?” Lexi?

“I got all your letters.”

“Letters?”

“You’ve been writing to me for weeks to look into it.”

Weeks? “You must be mistaken.”

“You’re not Pogue Simms?” He put his hand to the door, applying pressure, almost forbidding me from closing it.

“Wrong guy.”

He slipped his hand behind his pocket and pulled out an old photo of me.

“That you?”

“Yeah, but the letters have nothing to do with me.”

His demeanour changed, sudden frustration.

“You didn’t nag me about finding your girlfriend?”

“My girl—”

 

Buy your trust in me and sell a kind of us that you’d die to ride insane. I want you to be forever—

 

“My phone,” I said, turning my back to him in haste, following the sound. I spotted my cell behind the lamp on my desk. Caller ID…

 

“Lexi?” I answered.

 

Then came the breaths. Deep, hefty, breaths.

“Hey human,” she whispered.

 

 

 

****

 

Hey human,

 

It’s been fourteen days since I’ve seen you, seven since we spoke and three since you've gone missing.

 

Tell me, are you better off? Alone? They say it’s not the relationship that fails, it’s the people in it. So, I’ll ask again. Are you better off alone?  No one to be responsible to or for. Alone? No hello or goodbye. No one to reach out to or for when you just want to be held, even if it’s just a second. Well, if you’re okay then I don’t know how you do it, because I’m falling apart. I keep waiting for the phone to ring. Waiting to hear it’s you and that you’d just needed a break, some space and that you miss me. You want me. And you’re home. Safe. Waiting to hold it together.

 

 

 

“This is what it feels like,” I turned to Tyler who’d been helping me put up posters for the search. Windbank was hostile suburbia, not exactly small or big but wide enough for news to spread and nobody to stop and care.  I did my research before I moved here. It was big on murder, for a small mid-town that was, car accidents led the way when it came to that, mostly unintentional, and then break-ins, mostly insightful cases. I read about a man who robbed his estranged wife, broke into her house, found her and her lover in bed and ended the romance there, three bullets a piece, straight to their hearts. He’d been in the gun range practicing to be a tragedy. A tragedy, isn’t it?

 

“To lose someone,” I completed, punching the last poster to the bark of the tree. Have you seen her? It read. I stared at her stark brown eyes, singling out their own mysteries, one reserved for me, I thought, whispering away: “Where are you?” Next stop was the station. Visiting Jon at the same time every afternoon was me coping. I should’ve been in class or summer school like the rest of the students who required extra time but I suspended my account with the university and figured I’d be saving myself the money, that and from wasting everyone’s time because all I did; all I could do whilst driving everyone insane was think about Lexi.

“Excuse me, have you seen this girl?” I stopped a jogger on her tracks, dishing a poster to both her and the man behind her. If her dog could speak, I would’ve shoved one in its mouth too. Gently, of course.

 

“We’ll find her,” Tyler consoled me, patting my back, taking a second look at the wrist on his watch every now and then.

“You’ve got to go.”

“I’m afraid so,” he shrugged. Unlike me he had a job, a proper one, you know the type that required you to suit up every day and camouflage stagnation and contentment with purpose or drive, hell even the money made up for it.

“Tyler...” I called after him. “Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it.”

“I know but I want to.” Sometimes it’s nice to know you have friends. I felt like it but knowing was different.

“We’ll find her,” Tyler stressed, disappearing into his shiny red convertible.

 

—

 

Jon’s office was on the third floor, the missing persons and cold case division they called it. I had faith. Faith that Lexi’s case was in the wrong department, that she’d come out of it, that I would find her. No matter what.

 

“Pogue,” Jon called out of boredom. He was still getting used to the idea of me being around—

A lot!

“Detective,” I made my way to the chair right opposite his desk, picking up the mail like I usually did from the corner of Allandry’s desk and placing it onto his. There were about three metres apart, the desks. And Alandry was his assistant slash girl he used to fuck until shit got complicated but I liked her because she liked having me around. Sort of. She complained about my chocolate wrappers so much she placed a bin right next to the chair opposite Jon’s desk just for me.

“You can pick up the mail but you can’t throw out the garbage, unbelievable!” She grumbled. A lot!

 

“Anything about your case in there?” Jon inquired distractedly. He was finishing the paperwork to the last case he solved about a two-month-old baby who went missing fourteen years ago. I helped, with the case that is, read Jon his notes back from time to time, drove him around when I needed a break from my own mystery… that kind of help.

 

Hey human

 

I want you naked.

I want to feel your skin.

See that spot between your thighs, right below your taut stomach, I want you moist.

And that space between your breasts, you know the one that coincides with your breaths, pants, screams when I touch you, I want your heat…

And your heart: those beats, that rush, I want them to be all about me

 

 

__

 

“You’re right, it is a game,” she hissed, her lips on my ear, she on top, tugging my waist as her breasts rubbed against my chest. She raised my face to hers and said: “It’s just wild fun.” Our noses touched. “You want fun, don’t you?” She got closer, churning her breaths into desire. “Because I can be fun, the damning kind.” Our lips touched: slightly at first and then she pounced, our tongues interlocked as her sweetness churned to a fever for me to do whatever I pleased.

“Whatever you want,” she demanded, pulling my bottom lip. “Do it,” she repeated, licking the back of my ear, pushing her weight on me, persuading me to take her heat.

“Fuck me,” she said into my mouth, her hand on my zipper, releasing me. “I want you to fuck me!”

I ripped the piece of cotton protecting her from my weapon, freeing up her clit to grind against my hard on. She wanted me, sheathed first and then entry. She gasped!

“I’ve been wanting to fuck you since I saw you again.”

She grabbed my neck, rolling her hips in and out of me, establishing her rhythm. Gentle at first, achingly slow, testing me, teasing her appetite— “I like me with you inside me,” she echoed, raising her face to the roof, her juices seeping down my cock. My grip fastened around her waist, her fingers laced through my hair, bringing my lips to her neck, her pace hastened.

“I want this,” she gasped, sinking her nails into my back, grinding with less poise, greed taking over. “Don’t move...” she whispered, holding me to the sofa, rocking me like her chair, fucking insanity into my sanity.

“God you’re so wet,” I moaned, maintaining her momentum, wanting her to reach her heights. “Come for me...” I found her tongue, exchanging our delights.

“I want you so bad,” she purred, my mouth dropping to her jawline, traveling down, drawing out her breasts, feeling the release of chastity in her heart. Quick, deep, breaths.

 

Hey human—

 

 

“Pogue!” Jon slapped the day’s paper on my head. “You need a nap? Take yourself to the day care across the street.”

“Sorry, daydreams,” I scratched the back of my neck, my hand lingering behind my ear lobe a little where her mouth would rest.

“Another “vision,” Jon teased in reference to my blackouts— “daydreams”.

“I was just remembering—”

“Good for you.” He couldn’t care less. “Now, any real news?” He stressed, inquiring about the mail again.

“Right!” I looked through it all. “Not today,” I replied. Not today. I kept telling myself, refraining from saying no. No, was discouraging. No, was dismissive. No, gave her reason to walk away. She liked ‘no’, so, “Not today,” I repeated, hopefully.

“You keep saying that,” Jon settled into his chair, crossing his legs on the desk and using his hands as a headrest which meant: five more minutes until lunch. He never worked right up until the hour. “You ever wonder if she just left? If this whole thing was just some big excuse to break your heart without having to use her words?”

“She would never do that.”

“What? Leave, break your heart or come up with this missing scam? I’m giving you options.”

I smacked the paper on his feet. “Lexi would never leave me,” I replied.

“That’s very optimistic of you but people leave Pogue.”

“I know.”

“And they don’t always tell the person they’re leaving if they will.”

“It’s not what happened,” I shook my head, “it’s different.”

“Not so different than one might think.”

“What might one think? Since your goal is to close the case out of laziness not conviction.”

“Oh, you of little faith.” Jon’s legs came down. He sat upright like he’d been anticipating this confrontation for a while now. “What one might think, what I think… I think she skipped town, staged this whole disappearance because she wants attention.”

“Attention?”

“Yeah, the kind you seek when you feel lonely and want to test whether the people around you would care.”

“You don’t even know her.” And it was very unlike her, I told myself, very unlike her. “What if it’s real?”

“If it’s real then where’s the proof?” Jon got up, snatching his jacket from the hangar next to the cabinet that possessed every missing case he’d ever touched. “Lunch?”

“I’m not hungry.”

“You gave her your heart Pogue, I won’t let her take your appetite.” He dragged me up. “We’re eating.”

 

—

 

Hey human

 

I’m concerned. More than usual. And it hurts more than missing you. At least when I miss you part of me believes you’ll be back. With concern, there’s a lot more traffic, some days are green I feel like I can get through, the red days hit like a knife and the orange raise lots of doubts, starting with ‘if.’ If you’re out there? If you think about me? If you left me? If you could leave me without saying goodbye? If I hurt you? If you would tell me? If I found you, would I really be the first person you want to see? If you were here, could we really be more than more than just friends?

 

I exhaled, carrying on:

 

If this is just a game to you? If you’re capable of staging your own kidnapping? If this is all about attention?

 

Hey human

 

I keep defending you. Jon thinks I’m a wuss for it. He says people leave all the time, what they don’t do is always tell you about it. He thinks it’s what you’ve done to me. And that you’re one phone call away from telling me that you’re fine and to drop the search because you’ve had your fun embarrassing me. Game’s over. But that’s just Jon. He’s been hurt before. I thought I should put it out there—

 

—

 

“Hey human,” she wrapped her hand around my cock, breathing into it and then putting me in her mouth, my pants sliding off of me. “I like you naked and over here.” Her strokes were tender, her tongue swirling in all directions, her fingers tickling my balls. “I like you,” she salivated, coordinating her hands and her mouth in song. Her pumps now wicked, stuttering my oxygen flow. “Naked and under me,” she massaged the space above my dick, mouth still sucking in rhythm, catering to my hard on. I yanked myself further into her hole, grabbing her hair, eager to fasten my release.

“I like me inside you,” I groaned. She spread my thighs a little more, working her lips, her fingers, her mouth, showing off their talents.

“I like you’re dick in my mouth,” she echoed, licking my shaft, rising from the floor, eyes never leaving mine.  “And I’m going to let you fuck me.” She fit my erection into her vaginal walls, catapulting me like a glove, every nerve of pleasure in need to be rushed instead of savoured. “And I really want you,” she said, slamming her body against mine, leaving me with no choice but again to fuck my insanity into her. 

 

There was something about her my body responded to, something that always put me over the edge.