Mad Smithers and the Government's All Under Control Plan : Episode 8

Episode 8

(At the parlour)

LOOSE LUCY : You know how big Smithers is now he has a cure for his problem.

TIGER LILY : Oh yes, you needn’t tell me.

LOOSE LUCY : Well, I thought we’d capitalize on it, make a cast of his penis and produce super size dildos for our clients.

BABETTE : Do you think he’ll agree now we are all under control?

LOOSE LUCY : We’ll ask him.

(Next day)

LOOSE LUCY : So nice to see you, Smithers.

SMITHERS : I’m feeling such a big boy, now everyone is under my control.

LOOSE LUCY : We wondered, Smithers, if you would like to impress the nation by offering your mighty whopper for a dildo cast.

SMITHERS : Why, that is a splendid idea. To think a facsimile of me would be up the cunts of England. I would be fucking everywhere.

LOOSE LUCY : Good, bring on the plaster now, girls. Massage it round the tool. You will be set in no time, Smithers, and the nation will have the comfort of your biggest member.

SMITHERS : Oh, girls, you are wonderful. You are making me such a super hero. Women everywhere will experience such bliss.

(At the prison of Elder McCronie)

ELDER McCRONIE : I had no idea the criminal justice system was so hard.

PC POTTS : You ‘ere ‘ave done wrong, what do you expect? ‘Ang on a minute, ‘ere comes Judge Lynch.

JUDGE LYNCH : So, Elder McCronie, you have had time to reflect on your crimes against a decent law-abiding nation. It is my duty to tell you you are free to go.

ELDER McCRONIE : But I’ve had no trial.

JUDGE LYNCH : You will go into hiding, where we will make you very complicit. You will have the dirty name of a bugger.

ELDER McCRONIE : Oh please, how will I face my church?

JUDGE LYNCH : That is your problem, Elder McCronie, we are setting you free. You are being sent to a small town in Humberside where all buggers go to repent.

ELDER McCRONIE : Thanks be to the Lord. Maybe all is not lost.

(Elder McCronie gets off the train at Smugtown)

My God this place looks bad.

PC POTTS : Not at all, Elder McCronie, these people are all holier than thou – not a bad thing at all if you ask me.

ELDER McCRONIE : But look at the banners they are holding. They have been expecting me.

(Banners read : DOWN WITH THE ELDER McCRONIE and  NO PLACE FOR BUGGERS IN A DECENT SOCIETY . REFORM NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE and BEWARE OF A HOMO MONSTER.)

ELDER McCRONIE : Beware of a homo monster? This is all too embarrassing. Look, the women are weeping openly. Is that because they pity me?

PC POTTS : No, it is because they fear for the virginity of their boys.

(At the prison)

(Susan McCronie, Pigs’ Trotters and Rosemary Custard B.A. mount a campaign to save the Elder McCronie and carry banners saying FREE THE INNOCENT, THE GOVERNMENT IS WRONG AGAIN and DOWN WITH MAD SMITHERS)

SUSAN McCRONIE : We demand to see my father.

PC POTTS : He’s gone. He’s been sent to Smugtown.

ROSEMARY : My man – do you know who you are talking to?

PC POTTS : Yes, some dressed up tart from a delinquent home.

ROSEMARY : My school is of the highest calibre.

PIGS’ :  Yes, we are top of the league, a real ladies college.

PC POTTS : You old tart.

ROSEMARY : How dare you impugn the name of a virgin? Pigs’ Trotters and I are both virgins.

PC POTTS : You specialize in history, do you?

ROSEMARY : Why, you cheeky, young swine. I’ll give your name to a superior officer.

(At the Institute)

HARDCASTLE : Apparently, Smithers, the subversives from Derbyshire have turned up at the prison.

SMITHERS : Good, they need to be tracked before we can operate.

HARDCASTLE : Wouldn’t it be best just to incarcerate them on some trumped up charge? They say they use strap-ons.

SMITHERS : My God, how evil are these new age teachers? They will corrupt the girls and I want them all under control, and that means no lesbian sex.

HARDCASTLE : You are right, Smithers. I think we should go one step further.

SMITHERS : Do you know my penis is being cast? It is for hetero virgins, not lesbians like Pigs’ Trotters and Rosemary Custard B.A.

HARDCA STLE : But what are young girls going to do with Andrex and Darren? They are not heteros.

SMITHERS : I am using them to criminalize whoever we need to disgrace. I do not approve of gay sex. It is an abomination.

HARDCASTLE : Of course, Smithers, you are right. It is a terrible crime against humanity. Let’s kill these two subversives.

(At the sex parlour)

LOOSE LUCY : What’s that in the papers, Tiger Lily?

TIGER LILY : Someone’s been found dead.

LOOSE LUCY : What’s the headline?

TIGER LILY : Pigs’ Trotters found dead in lay-by.

LOOSE LUCY : Who on earth is Pigs’ Trotters?

TIGER LILY : It says it’s some delinquent teacher from Derbyshire who uses a victorian strap-on for illicit sex with teenagers.

LOOSE LUCY : We could have used that woman here.

TIGER LILY : I’ll say we could. Her exploits sound very business like.

LOOSE LUCY : But we must be complicit, Tiger Lily. Whatever we do we must be complicit. You know the new government rules. We obey any order we get.

TIGER LILY : Yes, Lucy. I will lay down my life for Smithers.

LOOSE LUCY : Me too, Tiger Lily, me too.