Mad Smithers and the Government's All Under Control Plan : Episode 9

Smithers 9

(At the boarding school in Derbyshire)

ROSEMARY : I thought you were dead, Pigs’.

PIGS’ : No, I staged my own death.

ROSEMARY : How?

PIGS’ : I found a tramp dead on the motorway so I dressed her in my clothes, put my mother’s locket on her, and scarpered.

ROSEMARY : Oh I see, what for?

PIGS’ : Well, now they think I am dead I can do an awful lot more incognito. I think you may be arrested, Rosemary.

ROSEMARY : We are staying here to await our fate.

PIGS ‘ : I’m going off with Mrs. Upsall to see Elder McCronie. He is in Smugtown.

ROSEMARY : Is Mrs. Upsall going to wear a disguise?

PIGS’ : Of course, she is taking the part of a social worker and we are going to enquire after Elder McCronie’s well-being.

(Pigs’ Trotters and Mrs. Upsall get off the train at Smugtown station)

PIGS’ : What a dump this place looks.

MRS. UPSALL : Don’t be fooled, it is full of the most important criminals in England.

PIGS’ : Remember, Mrs. Upsall, you are called Wanda O’Leary and have a qualification in social work.

MRS. UPSALL : Does my bum look big in this?

PIGS ‘ : Yes, but it does anyway. The outfit is very up to date, just what a social worker wears.

MRS. UPSALL : It’s an old coat from C and A and the shoes and handbag are charity shop.

PIGS’ : Yes, that’s about right.

MRS UPSALL : I feel so conspicuous.

PIGS ‘ : Rubbish, no one will know anything.

(A policeman approaches)

POLICEMAN : So who are you then? You look very suspicious.

PIGS’ : Oh, my good man, we love to see a policeman. We are looking for the Elder McCronie, that bad criminal from Accrington. We are social workers.

POLICEMAN : Oh well in that case I can help you. He’s staying in the lodging house with Mrs. Struthers.

PIGS’ : Why, thank you so much.

POLICEMAN : That’s it over there. (Pointing to a large house across the street) Repentance House.

(Pigs’ and Mrs. Upsall traverse the street and knock on the door of Repentance House)

MRS. STRUTHERS : Who’s banging on my door at this time of day? (Said in a loud, stentorian voice)

PIGS’ : Oh, Mrs. Struthers, how kind of you to notice. We are two social workers sent to assess the well-being of the Elder McCronie.

MRS. STRUTHERS : Oh, you better come in then.

PIGS’ : Oh, Elder McCronie we are two social workers come to see you.

ELDER McCRONIE : But I don’t understand........... it’s.........

PIGS : Of course you do, my assistant here is Wanda O’Leary.

ELDER McCRONIE : Oh I see, I do understand.

MRS. STRUTHERS : Good. You will find the Elder McCronie a lot more complicit ladies, won’t they Elder McCronie?

ELDER McCRONIE : Of course they will. I am fully complicit.

MRS. UPSALL : Can you leave us now, Mrs. Struthers, we have some personal questions about the Elder McCronie’s health?

MRS. STRUTHERS : Oh of course. PC Potts suggested he was staging an illness because of the trouble with boys but I never believed that.

PIGS’ : See you later.

(Mrs. Struthers leaves the room)

MRS. UPSALL : You know it’s me, Elder McCronie?

ELDER McCRONIE : Yes I knew straightaway. What are you doing here? They will arrest you if they find out. I am sort of complicit.

PIGS’ : Don’t worry, Elder McCronie, everything is fine. We are going to get the antidote to the tap water and then come back and rescue you.

ELDER McCRONIE : Oh thank you so much. How is Susan?

PIGS’ : She is well, Elder McCronie, I am her teacher. We must go now.

MRS. UPSALL : Yes, don’t worry, we’ll be back.

(Mrs Struthers reappears)

MRS. STRUTHERS : Have you done then?

PIGS’ : Yes, we have Mrs. Struthers, the poor man is deluded. What a sad case.

MRS. STRUTHERS : Goodday to you then.

PIGS’ & MRS. UPSALL : Goodday to you.

(At the Institute in the dead of night)

PIGS’ : It is very quiet. How are we going to get in?

MRS. UPSALL : Can you see that open window up there? It is our only chance.

(They both shin up a drainpipe and fall through window)

PIGS’ : At last we’re in Smithers’ domain. There must be an antidote here somewhere.

MRS. UPSALL : What’s this door here that says Top Secret?

PIGS’ : That’s probably it, behind that door will be the secret antidote to all his scheming.

MRS. UPSALL : It’s locked.

PIGS’ : Here, let me, this nail file comes in very handy.

(Pigs’ fiddles with lock and gets in the door)

(The room is full of bottles of liquid and canisters of ‘Release Gas’)

MRS. UPSALL : You must have to spray these cans into the atmosphere.

PIGS’ : Yes, it will be the quickest way of returning the public to normal.

MRS. UPSALL : That man is evil, but at least he had a plan B if he wanted to change his mind.

PIGS’ : Well we will be changing his mind for him. Take a canister so we can analyse it – he won’t miss one.

MRS. UPSALL : Yes and a bottle of antidote to the tap water for Elder McCronie.

PIGS’ : Of course, we must help Elder McCronie. He is a persecuted man.

(The alarm goes off and Pigs’ and Mrs. Upsall leave quickly)

(Continued in part ten)