Christmas Through the Looking Glass

Once upon a time, and in a parallel universe, there lived two families who were well - and not so well - suited to handle the hustle and bustle of another holiday season.

The Wellsuiteds lived an envious life, and were looked upon with wonder.

When the Wellsuiteds went on their annual Christmas tree hunt, they brought along a freshly honed ax, plenty of twine, and a Thermos full of piping hot cider.

When the Illsuiteds went on their annual Christmas tree hunt, dad brought along his tractor; enough chains to uproot the Redwood forest; a ball of twine, and a liter of Mountain Dew. (To put out the Christmas tree after dad tries to sever the twine with his Bic lighter.)

The Wellsuiteds finish their holiday shopping the weekend after Thanksgiving; pay for everything with cash, and successfully use the same Christmas lights they bought for their first Christmas, ten years ago.

The Illsuiteds do their shopping on Christmas Eve, and spend most of their time dodging mall security. The Illsuiteds spend the rest of their Christmas Eve scrounging the attic and basement for extension cords and decorations. They find a single strand of silver garland, and three out of four Christmas stockings.

On Christmas morning, junior will burst into tears when he sees his name stitched into one of dad’s tube socks.

The Wellsuiteds are up at dawn. They have opened - and thoroughly enjoyed - their Christmas presents, and are now merrily on their way to Gramma’s house in Vermont.

The Illsuiteds are only up at the crack of dawn because the cat is hanging from the Christmas tree, gagging on a strand of silver garland.

After dad gives the tree a vigorous shaking, the cat falls to the floor -- along with all the pine needles. The Illsuiteds then decide to open their presents, until they remember that all the presents were confiscated by mall security.

The family decides it’s time to head on over to Uncle Billy’s trailer park. But tragedy occurs when they fail to read the sign on Uncle Billy’s trailer door:

No more than one person at a time allowed on the front-door trailer steps. Else-wise you’ll tip the dern thing over.

The Illsuiteds aren’t a reading family, and so disregard the sign. An act which results in their untimely demise.

Uncle Billy cuts down on burial costs by leaving the trailer on its side and rearranging the furniture to suit his new living conditions.

Merry Christmas, everybody!