God's Play in Three Acts (A Shady Cloister IP)

Time: The present
Place: Heaven
Scene: A shady cloister reception hall
Characters in order of appearance: Saint Peter (the gatekeeper), Joe Moss (new arrival), God (the almighty), Murray (the enforcer).
Cameo appearances by too many to name here.

Act I

Saint Peter: Welcome.

Joe Moss: Thank you.

Saint Peter: You look confused.

Joe Moss: Am I in the right place?

Saint Peter: If you mean heaven. Yes.

Joe Moss: No clouds?

Saint Peter: We do get a lot of complaints in that regard. But you have to be reasonable. We’re in space. No clouds. Lots of stars, though. You like stars?

Joe Moss: Yes, but I expected to find a lot of winged people fluttering about.

Saint Peter: You don’t need wings in space.

Joe Moss: If we’re in space, how come we’re not floating about like so many lost carnival balloons?

Saint Peter: This is God’s world. He pretty much controls everything. If he wanted you floating about, you’d be floating about. And you just may get your wish if you don’t watch it. Just because you made it here in the first round draft doesn’t mean you can’t be sent the other way.

Joe Moss: You mean hell?

Saint Peter: Never heard of it. But no. I was referring to Murray’s house.

Joe Moss: Murray’s house?

Saint Peter: Murray’s the enforcer. Give us any trouble, you get to see Murray. Play nice and you may get to see Marilyn Monroe for an interlude or two. Intriguing no?

Joe Moss: We get to do that here?

Saint Peter: That and more if you play it right. You’d be surprised at how many trouble makers we get here. Not satisfied simply getting to heaven. They suddenly want to change things around. I want espresso! I want a cigarette! I want a vodka martini! I want my rights! It’s enough to make a gate keeper up and leave his post. But I’m a dedicated soul I am.

Joe Moss: I’m sure it’s appreciated. It must be a tough gig.

Saint Peter: You don’t know the half of it, Joe. Just the other day I was having a spaghetti dinner with Mussolini and --.

Joe Moss: Mussolini’s in heaven?

Saint Peter: He’s dead isn’t he? It wouldn’t be the first time we screwed up, though. But, yes, Mussolini’s in heaven. Every dead thing comes here. We don’t discriminate. That’s was your big thing down below. Not ours. As I was saying, I was breaking bread with Mussolini and suddenly he gets the itch and decides he wants his own territory and army. What a pair of cojónes on that guy! Well, I couldn’t get him to Murray’s fast enough. And before you know it, he’s Mr. Humble Pie again.

Murray is much valued here.

Joe Moss: I’ll try to keep my nose clean.

(Enter the voice of God from behind a burning bush.)

God: Joe Moss!

Joe Moss: Yes?

God: Welcome to Heaven, Joe.

Joe Moss: Thank you.

God: Are you fearing me, Joe?

Joe Moss: I don’t know. I’m told that God is good, and that God is love. I should have nothing to fear. Should I?

God: You kidding me! Joe, have you READ the Bible? I’m the mighty smiter. I’ll flood you out of house and home, turn your wife into a pillar of salt AND part a sea! Oooh. You scared yet?

Joe Moss: A little, yes. Where are you?

God: Hello! Burning bush over here! Joe, you have be on your toes. Otherwise you could be taken advantage of and end up at Murray’s house. Now if you don’t mind I need a private word with Saint Peter.

(Saint Peter walks over to the bush and a whispered conversation ensues)

Saint Peter: Yes, God?

God: Murray needs an assistant. Send him Joe. And, by the way, have my robes come back from the cleaners? I can’t hide behind this bush forever.

Saint Peter: I’ll get on it.

God: Thank you. And wish Joe luck. He’s going to need it.

Act II

(The curtain falls, then rises, as Joe Moss enters Murray’s house. Murray is seen at his massage table giving a rub down to Ivan the Terrible.)

Murray: Take a seat and observe.

Joe Moss: Yes, sir.

Murray: How’s that, Ivan?

Ivan the Terrible: I feel like butter, now, Murray. Your fingers are gold, Murray. Gold! I’ve never felt this calm before. I think I’ll go for a little swim, then some chess with Churchill. Who’d want to rape and pillage after a massage like that?

Murray: Glad to hear it, Ivan. Give Winny my best. Remind him he owes me a rematch.

Ivan the Terrible: I’ll do that. Good day, Murray.

Murray: Next!

(Charlie Chaplin and Adolph Hitler are seated on a sofa in the massage room. They stare each other down and have tense words over who had the mustache first)

Charlie Chaplin: Mine!

Adolph Hitler: Mein!

Charlie Chaplin: Mine!

Adolph Hitler: Mein!

(As the curtain falls, Chaplin pokes Hitler in the eye with his cane and ambles over to the massage table.)

Act III

(As the curtain rises Joe Moss is alone on stage. In an act afforded all newcomers, Joe Moss is left alone in the shady cloister reception hall to offer a soliloquy. The stars shine and a children’s choir can be heard singing softly in the distance. Suddenly and without notice come a band of Hari Khrisna, who disrupt the children's choir with their dancing and chanting. A fight breaks out and both groups go at each other pretty good. There’s a lot of pony tail tugging and the pulling of choir robes over the heads of small children. Several wandering Riverdancers try to break up the fracas but are beaten back by a troupe of harsh critics. And, much to the delight of all concerned, several Riverdancers suffer sprained ankles. Smiles all around. Pats on the back and all but the Riverdancers break out in a rendition of Sweet Caroline.)

(Joe Moss turns away from the audience and squints into the background)

Joe Moss: What the hell?

God: You call that a soliloquy? That was pathetic. Close this damn curtain!

(As the curtain comes down several Riverdance fans storm the stage and tear down Heaven’s shady cloister)

The End