when once we ran through the night

you are not here
I know not where you are
but you are not here
I flail still, just like I used to
but now I do not mistakenly, fortuitously, habitually cling to an idea of you
you are someone else's idea
their singular thought
blocking all else from their view

I want that for you

you are shimmering, awe-inducing, vision-tilting, inescapable rumination
I ponder my situation
a line you said 
resigns my head 
to think of how I couldn't be 
for you
all of the things 
you want me to 
but once, we ran through the night

I am not here
I know not where I am
but I am not here
I am off 
far away 
watching starlings in formation
forming questions and temptations 
to run
hair loose, bare-foot, mouth a g a p e
in that rare form of exhilarated bliss 
you might get only a handful of times
and we have no reason to look back except to remember 
a precious midnight endeavour 
bleary eyed youth 
unadulterated truth 
when once we ran through the night

they are not here
I know not where they are but they are not here
they are separate
apart

singular

and they feel just fine about that
they are better than I 
at self-administered lullabies
and while they laze
I set the nighttime ablaze

they are adept at flying
forging
forcing
finding a way forward
not fretting
regretting
instantly forgetting 
that which is convenient to forget 
no terrors in the night
no cold sweat
no reeling from slicing
hair-standing
nerve-icing
gut-twisting
eye-misting
thoughts
they all seek and they find what they sought
they are 90 degrees 
they are right
they don't know that we ran through the night