A - There are diamonds in the mine, my friend!

Dear Balthazar,

I have made an incredible discovery! These Ablecticans with whom we
are now compelled to wile away our days have a prehistoric definition
of morality, if indeed morality is a word in their dictionary (if
indeed they possess dictionaries!) not yet advanced enough to wield as
a convincing social weapon or utilise to any discernible effect
whatsoever. Why, when in disagreement, they know only to accuse each
other of wrongness, or incorrectness, much like children squabbling
over the legitimacy of shamans being employed in a round of cowboys and
indians! I haven't heard the words 'scum,' 'evil' and 'vile' used
against a fellow man or women even once, whilst 'decency' only applies
to one's state of dress.

There are diamonds in the mine, my friend!

Think how well a book would go down here - a book concerning the use
of moral language to improve one's self esteem and defeat one's
opponents in a war of words. With the outrageous pride of these
Ablecticans, the contents of such a book would be gold dust - or even a
gold bust, Z cup! Irresistible and lucrative, especially to the, ahem,
young males of the species!

Truly, c'est le land d'opportunity!

I have already contacted a small publishing form and met with their
representative. It took some doing, but I persuaded him of the
potential my scheme offers to both his pocket and his reputation. To
demonstrate my wares, so to speak, I denounced us as a couple of
freeloaders, seeking to undermine the security and exploit the
generosity of this fair land. He was about to shoot me in rage when I
explained to him what trick I had pulled: naturally, the accusations
levelled at us could be levelled at any outsider, if we allow a small
degree of logical fallacy. We're 'freeloaders' because we consume space
but don't pay for it, so to speak, by being born here. We 'undermine
security' because people will naturally feel less secure with what is
unfamiliar, or fresh on the scene. Finally, generosity is there to be
made use of, and the difference between 'use' and 'exploit' being a
mere matter of scale, they might as well be one and the same. And
besides, I said, even if I was lying outright, I still brought myself
to the very precipice of death simply by using a few carefully selected
words.

Well, he was very impressed, and asked me whilst putting the revolver
back in his holster what use it was to make people angry. I said that
if he'd shot me he'd have felt much better, and he agreed. Well, I
said, just imagine you're shooting, but with words. Using the right
words, I opined, can make you feel better about yourself and do damage
to any enemies you might have prowling around. Imagine, for example, if
I had been involved in a grievous dispute with you, Balthazar, and had
said to this man what I said concerning solely yourself - but without
stopping him. He would have killed you, and I would have won the
dispute. Had I stood to gain a considerable fortune from your demise, I
would have been even better off. On a larger scale, this is the stuff
to win wars with - it's a kind of handy diplomacy that always works in
your favour.

The look of awe emblazoned on his features was growing more and more
pronounced. He slapped himself and made a quip about it costing less in
armaments. How we laughed. All that was left was to assure my new ally
that it was not a simple trick, but a complex art that we from the West
were forced to master in order to survive our hostile environment. I
told him there was vast mine of linguistic weaponry to be made use of,
and more besides - and there was nothing left to be done. He was
hooked.

I can certainly see this becoming an Ablectican martial art, Bal, or
at the very least a popular sport. Obviously, there's a way to go
before it becomes as widespread and commonplace as it is back home, but
I think our Ablectican friends, once they adopt it as their own and
allow it to mingle with their pride and arrogance, will surpass all the
discovered continents. They may even advance the concept with more
extensive words and gestures, until they become the most 'moral'
country in the world ever, capable of scowling upon others from a
great, great height.

The whole idea appeals to me greatly, especially if we're to remain
citizens of Ablectica. Granted we won't exactly be revered the world
over - I'm not that big a fool - but we will have a free ticket to
happiness and certainty. Why, I might well be instigating the greatest
Benthamite strategy in the history of mankind!

Speaking of which, I happen to be feeling very good about myself now,
so I'm off to see what varieties of lady I can ably seduce. Oh yes, and
any ideas for a title?

Sincerely, old friend,

Sisyphus