Day 6 – Saturday

Dear DD,

I, like everyone else it seems, woke with only one agenda. To get the hell out of here.

Down in the kitchen people were eagerly making their cups of lemon tea, debating whether 7am was too early to load the suitcase into the car, seeing as we still had six hours until lunch.

Mum and I were talking this through too, though not for long. By 8 am we were packed, loaded and ready to drive, the only hold up now being our individual check out with Judy, and the leaving lunch of, wait for it… salad. Whoo whoo.

Pissing it down outside, the ten of us were caged indoors like cattle in a pen, and all as restless as each other we spent the majority of the morning pacing around, going back over our rooms to make sure we hadn’t left anything, and phoning home to secretly ask them to get some steaks in.

Mum had her check out and came out smiling, having lost a great amount of weight. Thank God – can you imagine putting your body through this who ha and not losing that much?

Well, I can. I BLOODY CAN.

Weighed in with twat face to find I had lost two pounds. TWO BLODY POUNDS. Judy tried desperately to nudge the scales to make it look like I had lost more, but she’s no natural liar and had to face the facts. She tried to say that it was because I didn’t have any weight to lose in the first place, or had maybe converted my fat into muscle from all the working out in the gym, or had maybe drunk lots of water in the last hour…. I actually wasn’t that bothered at not losing weight as I hadn’t gone in over weight, but for poor old Judy the thought of an in mate of hers leaving anything other than utterly elated was tipping her over the edge. So the kind man that I am, I said all the right things to her before I left… “I feel so cleansed… I had come to rest, not lose weight… I can see my skin has cleaned up…”. Seriously, I should be a fucking Samaritan.

Back in the house Mum was literally scaling the walls, so all checked out we asked for our salads to go so we could eat them on the way home. And so, at 10am, six days later and (only) two pounds lighter, we waved good bye to Judy, Sue, Herman, both Gails, Matt, Maureen, Diana, two miserable competition winners (wishing they had never entered), two grumpy maths teachers, two cats and one dog to hit the high road home. Ten minutes later we returned to pick up Mum’s forgotten phone charger, and 20 minutes after that we returned to pick up her forgotten coat (seriously, they were both just lying on her bed…) before FINALLY leaving the funny farm for good.

A week that I will never forget, and one that I will always look back on with a smile. God bless Judy and her ridiculous detoxing diet.

X