The Cat Krampus Campus (And Moment who couldn't resist not doing nothing) Part 3

 

Moment continued to sleep through the Christmas lunch, snoring deeply and dreaming of the time he went to Oxford after jumping into the back of a Thames Water van, causing the engineer to go on a forty mile detour to drop him safely back home. Not that he was particularly fussed about going home. The dreaming spires of Oxford had appealed to him and being a born survivor with no real need for a stable home environment, he was open to being lost and surviving on his own.

 

He had often thought of leaving home permanently but after a few days away, it was just too easy to go back for a free meal. Once, during a heatwave he disappeared for five days but Totem began to pace around, yowling intolerably which made the human family feel anxious and put posters up around the neighbourhood. Somebody grassed on him and Harry came to collect him with a cat carrier and some Dreamies, a new cheese flavour which he hadn’t tried before.

 

Downstairs the festive lunch mostly went smoothly except for Grandma commenting on the unusual choices of food for mid-winter and asking why the Asda Christmas pudding had a coating of wallpaper paste on it. Uncle Robert winked at Blake as he told some very rude jokes, confusing Penny and making their mother fidget and say inane things in a desperate attempt to change the subject.

 

‘Has anyone watched the Snowman this Christmas?’ she said with mad staring eyes and a fixed smile.

 

A period of silence followed. ‘That’s quite old now, Carol,’ Harry laughed and looked around the table, ‘didn’t we all watch that when we were kids?’

 

‘Yes but these things go round and round don’t they,’ she quickly responded, ‘I thought they might have brought it up to date and turned him into..I don’t know, a digital avatar or something.’

 

‘Digital snow cannot melt, Carol, as that would remove all the peril and attached emotion from the storyline,’ said Robert as he picked some food from between his teeth. ‘In that kind of scenario, the snowman would be immortal. He’d probably take over the family finances and then the neighbourhood.’

 

Grandma tutted. ‘I’m sure lovely Aled Jones would come along and sing to him and talk him round,’ 

 

‘No, that wouldn’t work, he’d hack the emergency services and then the banks, then take over the world.’

 

Harry cleared his throat. ‘Really, do you think so Robert?’

 

‘Yes, the authorities wouldn’t be able to melt him, they’d try everything, tasers, lasers, an industrial microwave, nuclear fission but he’d stay frozen, frozen and evil beyond our comprehension.’

 

Blake’s eyes lit up. ‘I’d watch that,’ he said, ‘I wish it was on today.’

 

‘Hey,’ whispered Robert, ‘have you played your game yet?’

 

Carol raised her eyebrows, ‘What game?’

 

‘Oh it’s just a new board game.’

 

‘We could play it this afternoon, together as a family.’

 

‘Nah, I don’t want to open it, Mum. I think it might increase in value. Uncle Robert says it’s a collectors item.’

 

‘Oh what’s it called?’

 

‘Bingo Piles..’

 

Uncle Robert, who was a large man, began to laugh hysterically so that his shoulders shook up and down, ‘Bingo!’ he said breathlessly, ‘I think we’ll all have piles after all this food..’

 

‘What’s piles?’

 

‘Nothing Penny, Uncle Robert just means piles of food.’

 

Penny shook her head. ‘That doesn’t make sense, Mum.’

 

Harry turned to Uncle Robert’s new girlfriend and said, ‘So, Natalie, what is it that you do again?’

 

Natalie smiled politely, ‘I run a dog grooming business,’ she said, ‘it’s doing very well actually.’

 

‘Oh, that sounds like something different,’ said Carol.

 

‘Natalie could do anything she wanted,’ said Uncle Robert, waving his wine glass around so that some of it spilled onto his empty dish, ‘and make it a success but she loves animals, always has done.’

 

‘Actually I brought along a small gift for your cats. I’d love to meet them,’

 

‘Oh,’ Grandma gasped, ‘I’m allergic,’

 

‘Don’t worry, Mother, you won’t have to touch them. One is perfect in every way and the other is apparently related to the devil. I’ll let you guess which is which,’ Harry laughed as he left the room to call the cats. ‘Totem! Moment!’

 

‘Why have they got the same name?’

 

‘They don’t Robert. Come on let’s move, the cats aren’t allowed in here, there’s too much food lying around. Let’s all go back to the lounge and they can come in and meet everyone.’

 

Totem wandered across the hall, curious about why his name was being called, he tip-toed slowly with his nose held high, sniffing the air and blinking.

 

‘Come on Scrotum or whatever your name is!’ Uncle Robert said, holding out his hand to stroke Totem who jumped backwards to avoid it, sniffing and wincing at the smell coming off the man’s fingers.

 

Moment had woken up and was thinking about why his name had been called. He was still too full to entertain food but he could sense that Totem was mingling with the guests and was curious to know what he was missing out on. He wriggled out from under Blake’s bed and spent some time stretching and shaking his head so that his ears flapped.

 

He stood at the top of the stairs watching the party trickle into the lounge with Totem following cautiously behind. As soon as they had disappeared into the room, Moment began to worry that he was missing something exciting and hurried down the stairs to join them.

 

‘Oh here’s the other one,’ said Natalie and crouched down to stroke Moment who purred and rubbed himself against her legs. ‘Oh this must be the good one, look at him, he’s so affectionate.’

 

Harry shook his head, ‘Nope, I think you’ll find he’s the devil.’

 

‘Well here you are little guys, these are for you.’ Natalie took a gift bag out of her handbag and removed two canvas fish, holding them out for each of the cats. Totem took a few steps forwards and then stopped and sat down. ‘Oh are you timid?’ said Natalie and threw it towards him.

 

Meanwhile, Moment walked up to Natalie and pulled his toy from her hand with his teeth and immediately flopped onto his side, clutching the fish tight to his body and raked it with his hind claws for several seconds.

 

‘Oh is that catnip?’ said Harry, ‘only we try not to let Moment have catnip because it makes him a bit..’

 

 

Moment stopped raking, the black pupils of his eyes had dilated such that the green part was no longer visible. He caught sight of the ribbons on the gift bag and immediately released the fish and ran towards it, sticking his head through the loop so that the bag became stuck around his neck.

 

‘Oh look Harry, his head is stuck!’ said Carol.

 

The catnip was taking full effect now, upon Moment’s brain. He couldn’t hang around to let Harry remove the bag, he began running in a loop around the lounge with his claws fully out, getting faster and faster in an attempt to outrun the gift bag which was stuck to him. He ran over Grandma’s lap and she let out a scream which panicked him even more so he sprinted out of the room towards the kitchen and tried to go through the catflap but with the bag around his neck, he couldn’t fit through.

 

Moment was a strong cat and now, in a state of catnip induced frenzy, he tried again and again, eventually crashing through the catflap with all the might of a spawning salmon, smashing the plastic as he went through, leaving the gift bag behind in the frame. Once outside he ran and ran, down the garden, over the fence and off through the neighbouring gardens to come down from his high.

 

In the meantime, Harry boarded up the catflap so that he couldn’t get back in. It didn’t matter because there was always the Carters, four doors down. They had a downstairs loo and Mr Carter had a condition which required the top window to always be open, and it was worse at Christmas.

 

It was cosy in there despite the open window, there was a little radiator which was always on and in front of the radiator was a low stool so that Mr Carter could elevate his legs while doing his business. It was perfect for a cat to sit on, absorbing the heat from the radiator. It even had a small shower cubicle although it had seen better days, the sealant was all loose around the screen.