A: Diary One

Dear Diary,

It's been some time since I've written one of these. Indeed some of my
other diaries have now become well established works of fiction and
this, I believe will be even better.

Oh dear, what a mess I seem to be in. I'm sure I once gave that judge
some Shepherds Pie and 'poo in the penthouse but some people just don't
seem to know how to say 'thankyou'.

That last judge wasn't nearly so silly. He called Mary 'fragrant' or
was it 'flagrant'? I can't quite remember.

Still, things could be worse. It's all good publicity and I'm sure my
autobiography what I am writing now will be a grate hit.

I've got the opening line: 'My six foot six figure, keen intellect and
towering literary genius have always made me a powerful magnet for
women.' I think that's pretty good.

Life here could be worse. The limo ride over wasn't quite up to scratch
- they made me share the car with a load of other chappies - but now
I'm here there's lots of servant types and they're doing my laundry and
whatnot with no trouble.

I've met another chappie here called Wozza who seems very nice. He
strokes my head and tells me I'm just his type which is very
encouraging as I wasn't sure how I'd get on with this lot. My usual
charm seems to be working.

I've got my own room - it's a tad cramped and the bed isn't to my
liking - but I've no doubt they're just preparing my suite for
me.

Better go, Wozza's just come in and he wants me to sit on his knee.
Very odd behaviour but he's very big so I'd better do as he says.

I'll make a start on my other diary soon.

Jeffrey.