How to hug a tree (and smile)

I like trees. Out of my window, here at work, I can see some trees. They're nice and green and full of thick, leafy foliage. The trees I can see are situated in a little coppice at the side of a busy road. They are surrounded by other trees and bushes of different shapes and sizes and there must be a million different shades of green. Which happens to be my favourite colour. Lots and lots of hues, shades and textures of green.

So, why not hug a tree? Why not indeed ¦ ?

Now, trees don't do much you see? Not on the outside anyway. Trees don't call you names. Trees don't make you feel bad. They don't think it's funny to relieve old people of their personal belongings. And I may be mistaken here, but I've never seen a tree throw a bomb at anyone with the intention of death, murder and mayhem So, you could say, trees are our friends. And seeing as we often hug our human friends and family, let's extend that little circle of hugginess to include our other friends ' the humble yet majestic tree.

Trees come in all shapes and sizes so I suggest you pick one that is suitable for your own armspan. You don't have to reach all the way around the tree. As long as there is a hugging motion, then that will suffice. The tree won't notice that you can't reach all the way around. He'll be happy with a slight cuddle. It's the thought that counts really.

Disregard bushes at this stage though. They are like small trees although the foliage tends to congregate more around the base (sometimes known as a 'Trunk'), Some of them even have thorns so when you're trying to place your arms around them, the spikes play havoc with your knitted wool jumper. My advice is to leave the bush-hugging to the professionals. 'How to Hug a Bush in Safety for Beginners' may well be the subject of a future article.

To help you choose a tree, I will try and spread a little of my experience here. Don't choose one that has thick, imprenetable foliage at the bottom, mainly for the same reason as bushes. Likewise, try not to pick one that has a lot of moss on it. This could rub off on your clothes, and if you're going to do this on your lunch break, you don't want to explain to your boss why you're covered in green stains. Although, if you're not on a lunch break or you're wearing clothes that you don't mind getting dirty, then hug that mossy tree. After all, they deserve a cuddle as much as the next tree.

So you've picked out your tree, and you want to give it a good old hug. What do you do next? Approaching the tree is obviously a good idea, as unless you have very very long arms, then you're just not going to be able to achieve satisfactory huggingness from a distance. I like to stand about a foot away from the trunk of the tree. This allows me to lean forward, arms outstretched and slowly come to a rest in the desired cuddling position.

DON'T do this yet though. As much as we like trees, so do lots of other animals. At this point, while you're stood very close, you can give the tree a little inspection. You're looking for bugs, insects and creepy crawlies that may be populating your hugging space. If you find any of these little creatures that you don't want to share your hugging time with, then MOVE ON. Yes, that's right. Select a different tree. Those little insects were there before you, and in the manual of Tree-Hugging Etiquette it clearly states that you cannot displace any tree-hugger that doesn't want to be displaced. It's a rule I'm afraid so you have to follow it.

While inspecting, you can also look for other things that may reduce the quality of your hug. The residue from birds is a good one. You are allowed to CAREFULLY remove any signs of bird wasteage. You must make sure that no damage is caused to the tree while doing this. Also, check that the bark is not too rough by slowly running your hand down it. If it IS too rough and you think you will find it uncomfortable, then again, move on and find another tree. Do NOT, under any circumstances, get an industrial sander and smooth it down to a mirrored finish. This is not a good idea and it really gives the tree a bad day.

So you're now happy with the hugging landing-area. If you are sharing the experience with other tree-huggers, be careful not to squash them as you embrace the trunk. Squashing insects comes under the same rule as displacing them, so don't do it.

Right, stretch those arms, lean forward and slowly close your arms in a gentle, fluid motion. You should be able to feel the bark against your hands and arms. Reassuring isn't it? Before you complete the move by turning your head to one side and gradually introducing your cheek to the bark, take one last at the surface of the tree. Paying particular attention to where your ear is going to come to as rest. The smaller members of the tree-hugging fraternity have a particular fondness for small, dark holes. Just like your ear. You don't want to be cuddling away when you feel a wriggling sensation in your aural cavity. Is it safe? Ok, now, close your eyes, turn your head and slowly rest your cheek against the bark. I bet you're feeling better already aren't you? That gentle rustling sound you can hear? That's the tree showing it's appreciation.

Congratulations, you have now hugged your first tree.

How long you stay there is entirely down to you. A quick hug may be all you have time for. A quick hug is defined in the manual as anything up to about a minute. If you are trying to recuperate your karma levels, then I suggest up to about 5 minutes. If at any time, you feel uncomfortable, then open your eyes and gradually move away from the hugging position. Perhaps the tree was not suitable for you. That's ok. Different trees react to different people so it's a case of finding the right tree for you.

My particular favourite is an Oak. The King of Trees. I know there are bigger trees in the world ' those Giant Redwoods are always showing off, but the Mighty Oak has a mystical element to it. It has a certain 'Britishness' that is quite endearing. An Oak was Robin Hood's favourite tree you know? I also have my favourite Oak tree. It's in a park and has provided shelter and happiness for countless generations. He's a lovely old tree with plenty of character and a warm personality. He likes being hugged too, although he's quite large so if you want total huggage, you have to climb up a bit to get to the thinner parts. He doesn't mind you climbing as long as you don't break anything and you don't carve your name in the bark. I mean, you wouldn't like it if a wacking great Elm came up to you and carved 'Elmy Loves Birchy' in YOUR skin would you?

So there you have it, How to Hug a Tree. If you think this is all new-age crap, that's ok, you've obviously never hugged a tree. Try it once and if you don't like it, THEN you can denounce it. I reckon though, if you DO try it, you're going to smile and feel better about yourself. And anything that puts a smile on our faces and makes us feel better has got to be a good thing. Surely?