Shattered

Until last Tuesday morning, I thought I had seen it all. I lost my
innocence long ago. Some friends had even called me cynical. I have
never felt completely safe in my environment. I was not paranoid, just
a realist. I read the news, I watch television. I knew all the threats
and was well aware of Osama Bin Laden's existence.

On September 11, 2001, I woke up to the phone ringing. My husband left
a message on the answering machine, pleading with me to pick up the
phone. He said America was being attacked by terrorists. The first
image that appeared on my TV was the second plane hitting the World
Trade Center towers. I hope I never wake up to something that horrific
again as long as I live.

Apparently, I was more innocent and unassuming than I realized, because
I lost something great and irreplacable that terrible day. I lost my
feeling of safety, and gained a sense of vulnerability I've never known
before. Staring at the TV like every other American last week, I knew
the weeks and months ahead would be long, difficult, and terrifying.
All the terms that seemed like they were out of a sci-fi movie became
commonplace: chemical weapons, biological warfare... Part of me wants
to believe that it could never happen here, because we are too strong
and too cautious. But last week proved the impossible can happen.

I went back to work this week and tried to go about my life as usual.
It isn't the same. Everytime I see a plane in the sky, I say a prayer
for them. I came across a handful of fire engines and police cruisers
the other day and I felt my heart in my throat. I was actually relieved
to see it was "just" a car accident.

Normal life, as we know it, is shattered. I believe we will rebuild it,
but it will never look the same. The Manhattan skyline will always have
a smudge on it. The images of smoke billowing in the air will always be
with us. We will inevitably give up certain rights and priviledges in
order to protect ourselves and FEEL safe. We say we won't mind the
changes that lay ahead, but admit it- there is a dull ache in your
heart. And there is still a part of you that is hoping to wake up and
find that what we have been through, and what is yet to come, is a
nightmare. Will you ever sleep the same way again?