006 In Celebration of the Cervix

I have to confess I enjoy doing pap smears.

I don't mean I get pleasure out of sticking speculums' up vaginas' ' I am not a sadomasochist ' but I do enjoy the challenge of shifting perception.

Every woman who walks through my surgery door carries some sort of baggage; smear stories that would make your labia shut their flaps - forever.

I always greet them with a smile and make eye-contact as I show them behind the curtains, emphasising our shared camaraderie.

Whilst she undresses I warm the speculum, running the tap hot, it is ready when I can no longer feel it in my hand. Then I smother it in KY until it is slippy and fluid and then I clear my throat.

"Are you ready?
"Yes¦ as I'll ever be.

A sense of humour is always handy about now. I enter the curtains at the head end.

"Ok, now I know this is not a pleasant thing to be doing, but I will make it as quick and painless as possible.

I move down the couch.

"Bring your knees up, that's right, now keeping your ankles together let your knees go floppy, that's it, a little more, perfect.

Now as you know in any job, you get to know your product over the years. If you are a teacher, no two children are the same. If you are a carpenter, no two chairs are the same. If you are a fisherman, no two fish are the same. If you are a customer sales representative for a large fast food chain, no two burgers are¦ scratch that, but you get my point.

Well, no two vaginas' are the same. They're a bit like faces. They all have the same features, two eyes, a nose and mouth, but each one is unique. You get your small neat ones ' think Winona. Your round puffy ones ' think Roseanne. Your long jowled ones ' think Winston, and just like faces some are prettier than others, some are less care-worn than others.

But, once inside, they are all much the same.

I never switch on the light until I am ready to go, kidney dish containing the speculum to my left and the scrapper and specimen pot to my right. Then I say, avoiding eye-contact at this delicate time.

"I am just going to switch on the light

Click ' It's Winston's younger brother, looks a bit like mine. She's had children, the stretch-marks track into her pubic hair. Once I had a lady who had fashioned her pubic hair into the shape of heart, she'd even dyed it red. That made me smile. Then there was the one with glitter, I am ashamed to admit I giggled at that one, I don't think she heard me, but I am sure I have told you about that.

"Right, now I want you to breathe out and bear down, like you are pushing ' that's right.

That one never fails. Just Relax on the other-hand, causes instant vaginitis ' flaps closing.

The cervix is actually very beautiful; it reminds me of a peachy-pink rosebud glistening with morning dew. It protrudes in a round mound with a dimple in its centre. Like doughnut dough - over risen, the hole proved into a pin-prick indentation.

That's the bit you're aiming for, the centre. The longer end of the scrapper fits snugly inside, then you sweep the circumference like a compass, scrapping off the cells around the edge of the dimple.

"That's it all done.

I ease the speculum out and turn discreetly away. I transfer the cells onto a slide then slip it into a specimen pot. She is dressed again, relief radiating from her smile.

"We will receive the results in about 3 weeks, you will get a copy through post. If it suggests a recall I will be in touch, but remember a recall does not mean you have cancer. It just means that some of the cells look a bit suspect and we need a closer look. Regular smears ensure we pick up any changes before they become cancerous.

She nods and smiles,
"Thank you, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

After every smear I have ever done I feel the same, humbled - awed. I have glimpsed the portal to life, the tiny rosebud that opens into a 10cm bloom - of pink trumpet - heralding hope.

That's why I enjoy doing pap smears.

I have to confess if another woman walks into my surgery saying she has lost her tampon, I swear I will drag her out by her Monsoon belt.

My Advice - Run a nice warm bath, get in and have a good old rummage, if you can't find it, it's not there.

For the record ' It aint got nowhere to go!!