I'm Just A Creampuff

IF you think you have all the answers to life's problems,well,
dearie,
just take a place in line! I will make your head spin. I am a
dreamy
sort of woman and maybe a bit scatter brained, but I mean well. I
say,
that goes doubly good for the produce department. I get dizzy at
even
the mention of vegetables, I have this "quiet" yen for melons,
bananas,
mangoes, peaches and cherries, but don't quote me on that please!

I can't deal with decision making. It takes me forever to pick out
just
the right pepper for salad and forget about lettuce! It frustrates
me
to think how obsessive I can be.

A spot here or there and it's thrown back in the pile. I inspect
each
tomato, cucumber and leaf of lettuce to see if it meets my standards
of
"excellence". I give it the "Lemon" test. The "Lemon" test is easy.
If
I can bounce it on the floor and it doesn't splatter, skid or just
lie
there limp, it's good enough for me. I prod, fondle and push my
way
through the produce department. It is such a delight to see the
faces
of amused customers watching me shop. It's like brain surgery, but
far
more comical. I was sent to get a few ingredients to make pasta
salad
and faced with the vast choices of produce, I get overwhelmed.
Why
would anyone in their right mind send me to the grocery store?

It takes me forever to pick out a few items. I keep putting them
back,
examining them and placing them in my cart. I throw the rejects in
the
back of the pile. I wheel my shopping cart a little way and turn
around
because the pepper was too ripe or the melons were not firm
enough.
Then I would go through the whole frustrating process again.

I feel lucky that only one man asked me to marry him for I fear
they
would grow old waiting for my reply.

I would probably handle this situation much like the vegetables only
the
men would have to come up with some cute party favors to win me
over.
As well as be good looking, of course!

I got into a terrible fight with my husband last night over whether
the
green beans should be served hot or ice cold. I remember reading
that
the eskimos like their vegetables frozen and I like to have change
in
my life. Well, my husband didn't see things my way so I told him we
are
not eating dinner until we resolve this situation. He threw the pot
out
the window in a fit of frustration. I can still hear the cat
hissing.

I guess we aren't having green beans tonight, now are we?

It's a wonder my husband keeps coming back for more. We tried to
decide
on the best sex position. It really didn't matter much to him but
I
kept going over the choices in my mind and it was morning before
I
finally found one that suited me. It was quite enjoyable but he
wasn't
there to share this experience with me. He left hours ago.

I was wondering why he said he needed a drink.

I can never decide which side of the road suits me so I tried
both
sides, but a motorist tooted his horn at me and we faced off in a
loud
crash. Why is he angry at me? There are two sides to the road and
I
have to decide which side suits me, right? What's his problem?

You would think it's a law or something!

Dogs are lucky because they do not have to make decisions. They can
just
lounge around and get fat. I wouldn't mind wearing a collar and
running
around the yard for treats. Or chasing birds and cats only to find
I
have to scratch like hell to get rid of my fleas!

Oh, I won't live that long anyway. So I'll eat what I want!

If you were me for a day, would you be a creampuff and let people
decide
things for you or would you be more like a bull and charge ahead?

I live in a creampuff world and must be sweet and nice even
though
idiots around me are being bulls. Is it always right to turn the
other
cheek or better to give 'em a sock in the nose?

I say let it fly! Punch!

But who am I to say. Just a small little voice that irritates the
hell
out of you by now.

Why you read this far is brave of you. Well, you are trusting soul
but
it is much better to keep words to a minimum. Just like the rich
man
who brags found a few items missing from his vault. A few
suspicious
men driving away in his Jag with his wife in tow. So don't brag
about
stuff. Even bad stuff because you can make it sound so good that
you
are going to be robbed very soon.

And if you have any money, don't brag about it. It isn't cool.
Just
spend it and then there is nothing to brag about anymore. Enjoy
yourself! Money gets moldy in the vault.

Now isn't that logical?

It's Ms. Lemon logic.

Well, I am making creampuffs again for the fund raiser. I wonder
why
they always pick me to make the damn creampuffs? Do I look like a
creampuff to you?

Don't answer that!

Before you go darlings, I want to give you a goodie bag for being
so
patient with me. Inside you will find some liquor, some ice cream
and
some smokes. All the stuff that makes being miserable fun. See,
there
ain't no man in there to ruin it all for you.