The Intergallactic School for Secretaries of Superior Intelligence and Wit

The Year is 2500.

The Human Race is now part of the Intergalactic Educational
System.

If we are to compete in our galaxies, we must be well educated!

"Come right on in, Miss Duncan. Have I got a school for you!", my
overzealous high school guidance counselor waved me into his
office.

I rolled my eyes, expecting the same old, same old stuff. You know,
Ivy
towers. Catalogs filled with scenes of students sitting in the
college
square pondering the meaning of life. A spectacle of color in the
autumn leaves of Princeton or Yale.

I am not Princeton material. I thought.

I was right. I wanted more. I didn't know exactly what until my
counselor interrupted my daydream.

"Are you with me, Miss Duncan. I said I have something special for
you
here. I think you are going to like it."

He took out a brightly colored catalog from his bookcase and showed
it
to me.

I took the catalogue and paged through it, fascinated by its contents.
I
could see myself traveling to another planet and adopting its
culture.
Most of all, I wanted to be the best secretary in the universe!

Tears fell to my cheeks as I have found my answer.

The Intergalactic School for Secretaries of Superior Intelligence
and
Wit!

My counselor suggested that I take a quick look at this unique
school.
He knew that I wanted to not be "just a secretary" but the
greatest
secretary ever. This prestigious school for the very gifted and
efficient of the cosmos was located on the Planet X in the Galaxy
of
Remarque Able. Only fifteen light years away from Earth, it would be
a
snap to get there. I had received a 2000 on my SAT's and my IQ
was
extremely high, my counselor strongly advised me to consider this
school to start my glamorous secretarial career.

I read the catalog with great interest and filled in the
application
form quickly. Did I have the 200,000 galaxy tokens it took to get
my
place on the Shuttle? Not yet. Just a few more games of Space
Asteroids
and I will be there. I just have to defeat the King of Jupiter
and
laser his whole kingdom and the tokens are mine! I can do that
this
weekend. It should only take a few hours to finish him off.

What language did I have to learn? I read through the catalog and
although they do speak English on Planet X, we as students would
have
to adopt the native language. It is a difficult language to learn,
but
I think I have the patience to master it. There are many
consonant
blends like "sh", "wh", and "bl" sounds and only a few vowels like
"a,
i, o, u and no " Y". "

As a successful student of The Intergalactic School for Secretaries
of
Superior Intelligence and Wit, my goal would be to increase my
present
typing speed of 200 words per minute to a fantastic 1000 words
per
minute. I would only use my clone double on sick days and
bathroom
breaks and if anyone had a problem with that, I would give them a
shot
with my handy, dandy laser gun. I call it the "Eliminator". It
eliminates arguments.

I decided to fill out the application in English. Translators
were
readily available at the school and I was certain that if I
followed
the directions to the "letter", I would be accepted easily.

A few weeks later, I received my acceptance letter. It was a happy
day!
Now, I was on my way to be the most Superior Secretary in the Galaxy.
I
can't wait!

I had my 200,000 space tokens and I paid at the gate at Cape
Canaveral
After I boarded the Shuttle, I ordered my obligatory Manhattan, put
on

my ear phones and listened to the mellow sounds of aliens droning in
my
ears. In other words, I was attempting to learn the language of
Planet
X. My new home.

The flight on the Shuttle was very smooth except for a few bumps on
the
Intergalactic Highway. I spilled my Manhattan when some stupid
man
bumped into me and asked me what I was listening to on my tape
player.

"I am listening to the native language of the Planet X. I am planning
to
attend school there."

"You don't wanna go there, girlie."

"Why not?"

"Not unless you have a strong stomach."

"A strong stomach?"

"Yeah, I was there six months ago and I couldn't wait to get out!
Those
aliens stink! They use generic soap."

"Generic? How gauche!"

"They don't even have a stick of Irish Spring on the planet?"

"Nope."

"How uncivilized!"

"Yep, and they use Close Up Toothpaste. How Seventies of them."

"Yeah, I'll say!"

"If I were you, I would turn around and go back home. Unless you
like
stinky aliens."

"No. I'll take my chances, mister, but thanks for the tip. I
brought
along a nose plug for this kind of emergency and an extra bar of
Irish
Spring."

"Good thinkin' girl!"

"Thanks."

I smiled at the wisdom of my Shuttle mate and decided to heed his
warning. I just hoped that there was plenty of water on Planet X for
a
nice hot shower. I hoped that the water was blue, not green. I
certainly didn't want to stink like the rest of them. The Shuttle
hit
velocity speed and shot past asteroids, stars, planets and solar
systems until we finally raced by Exit 999 on the Intergalactic
Highway
leading to Planet X. My destiny

"Here comes my stop. Nice talking to you."

"Good luck girlie."

"Bye. Bye."

I put on my nose plugs as the Shuttle landed and braced myself for
a
rough landing but it was rather smooth. I didn't feel a thing due
to
the simple fact that I had consumed five Manhattans during the
trip,
but I wasn't talking.

When the Shuttle finally did stop, I gathered my luggage and met my
host
family waiting for me by the lobby. The father of the group told
me
that they just purchased a new space ship just for this occasion.
He
tried to greet me with a hug but he smelled so bad that I quickly
backed away and gagged. He pointed to the space ship and put my
luggage
in the trunk and off we went to my new home.

My new home was on the West end of Planet X. A privileged part of
the
planet. Only the very rich live there. I spotted a swimming pool in
the
back yard filled with green slimy water and a couple of palm trees
with
yellow palms and black fruit adorning the countryside. Dead
flowers
were abundant and the air smelled just awful. The air had a
yellow
tinge and I wondered if there was any trace of oxygen in the air.
I
would have to keep my oxygen tank handy. I had packed a small one
that
I could carry in my backpack for just this kind of emergency. I do
hope
to survive.

I craved fresh air and was having my first pangs of homesickness.
I
wanted to breath in fresh mountain air.

"I miss the fresh, fresh air of home!", I thought, as I weeped to
myself.

The mother showed me my "room" which was painted black and had no
windows. How was I supposed to breathe? I couldn't see a thing
because
I had no night vision. Darn.

"I can't stay in here!", I shouted at the mother.

She stared at me and threw her hands up in the air. She clearly
didn't
understand me or she was doing a pretty good imitation of being
an
idiot. I would have to use my translator.

I typed in English, "This room is all wrong for me. I need light
and
fresh air!" The translator did its job wonderfully, I thought. She
read
my note and smiled. Then she opened the door, threw my luggage out
the
door and locked it.

"You like room?", she said in broken English. "You not ask Mama, if
she
spoken Englishes."

"Mama, if I may call you that. The correct way to say that sentence
is:
'You didn't ask Mama if she speaks English. Do you want to repeat
it
with me?'"

"NO. I understands the Englishes."

It was my turn to throw my hands up in the air.

Communicating with these alien idiots was going to be a real
challenge.
Maybe I could introduce them to Irish Spring and toothpaste while I
am
at it. It would make life more bearable for me while I attend the
Intergalactic School for Secretaries of Superior Intelligence and
Wit.

It did get a little better, but it took almost three months for
things
to improve. There were the language barriers, the local customs,
especially the one where men stomp on puddles of green slime if
they
want to tell you they like you. The food was absolutely disgusting.
I
had to choke it down. The main staple of the diet on Planet X is
Lucky
Charms . On special holidays, these fine aliens treat themselves
to
corn beef and cabbage and swallow down buckets of Bush beer. No
wonder
these aliens smell so bad!

I attended the school for almost six months and I didn't make any
real
friends yet. Not that I didn't try hard enough. I did. I would
follow
the students to their favorite hangouts and listen to their alien
music
and tried the stomp dance but no one would ask me to dance. Until
the
day, I brought the pack of matches with me. I really like Claude,
the
alien with the blue hair and the red eyes, but he didn't even know
I
was alive. Aside from the fact that he smelled like a wet sock, he
was
okay. He laughed at me constantly and to me that was good attention.
I
decided that today was the day I was going to get Claude to dance
with
me. I placed a match in his shoe and I lit it up. I watched him
jump.
Just then, I pumped up the volume on my tape deck and we had a
new
dance. Everyone wanted a match and a turn at burning off each
other's
feet.

"We dance again, soon?" Claude asked me right after he stomped on
my
foot once again.

I slipped another match in his shoe and lit it up. "I like it. I
like
it!", I laughed at Claude as he jumped up and rubbed his hot
foot.

"Claude, how about Saturday night?"

"Is good we dance?? I bring matches this time. No double dutch dates.
I
pay!"

"Thanks, Claude. See ya Saturday."

I felt two hands over my eyes.

"Before you go, I have a little surprise for you."

"A surprise?"

I closed my eyes.

Waiting.

I felt something being poured over my head.

Splash!!

I got slimed!

Oh Claude!

The classes were fun, especially the laser class. I wanted to do well
in
that one. The purpose of taking a laser class was for the future
Secretaries of Superior Intelligence and Wit to be one up on any
delinquent clients or wise guys. One shot of the laser can
eliminate
any potential problems. The teacher, Miss Sonic Boom, lined all
150
students each to match a target. I was number 75 in line. I was
chatting with a student and wasn't paying much attention to Miss
Boom.
She walked up behind the students and tapped each one in turn on
the
shoulder to signal each student to fire his or her laser gun at
the
target. When it came to my turn, Miss Boom tapped me on the
shoulder
and shouted, "Fire!" so loud that I jumped. I fired my laser
backwards,
aiming directly at the teacher. Her purple hair caught on fire and
I
managed to burn off all of her hair on her head. The whole class had
a
good laugh at that stunt of mine. I got an A!

"Good job, fellow Superior Secretary. A bad client needs an
attitude
adjustment."

"Next time, though, aim at the target." I blushed and I knew then
and
there that I would fit in just fine here at the Intergalactic
School
for Secretaries of Superior Intelligence and Wit.

I was even starting to stink like the rest of them.

Life was good.