DEAD MAN TALKING

DEAD MAN TALKING

He died, just like that; he stood with his best pal propping up the bar. “Cheers,” he said, lifting his pint, crumbled, fell back and there he lay, eyes wide open as though there was something astonishing to see on the ceiling. The beer, the last pint of his life that he did not have a chance to drink, stained his orange and brown check shirt, the stain spread slowly, one notices these things if one does not want to take in what has actually happened, that a good man is stone dead, there in front of one’s eyes, from one moment to the next. A woman elbowed her way towards the bar.
“I do first aid,” she said panting.
“She wants to give him the kiss of life,” one of the regulars said who has had already one too many.
“She’s wanted to kiss him for ages,” he continued, “she has fancied him ever since he made this his local. Go ahead then love, he is not running away now.”
“Do you mind!“ A po-faced woman snarled, “a little more respect would be in order, the man has just died.”
“No he hasn’t, he can’t have!” cried First Aid while pumping air into his mouth and thumping his chest alternately.
“Give up darling, he’s a goner.” Some one said softly. The best pal was still holding the pint in his hand that had been raised three minutes ago in friendship with the man who now lay at his feet, dead.
While all this was going on, the man himself emerged from his body, very slowly but effortlessly he stood up and looking down at what was left of him, shook his head, I didn’t see that coming he thought, time I take myself off. He glanced at his friend who once more lifted his glass towards his body and slowly emptied it. Just typical, thought the dead man, him pretending he doesn’t care all that much. In a moment he’ll go into the lavatory and cry like a baby.
The best pal put down his empty glass and went into the lavatory, there he locked himself into a cubicle, sat down and starred in front of him; for a while nothing happened, then he buried his face in his hands and sobbed without trying to control himself.
“Yeah, mate, hits us all, don’t it.” A voice came from the next cubicle.

“Pearly,“ said the dead man, under his breath, "these gates are pearly, what a funny coincidence, if these are the gates I think they are I am in the wrong place.”
An old man grey hair and a massive beard came to motion him in. Oh God, I hope this isn’t God, thought the man.
“Come on in, we are expecting you,” the old man boomed.
“Are you God?”
“I am Peter, God doesn’t open gates.”
“I don’t think I should be here, as a matter of fact, I don’t really want to be here; could you let me out again, please?”
“No, get yourself in there, come, come.” He hustled the man through a doorway, swinging both his arms at his sides as though he shooed a chicken.
God sat on an ordinary armchair, not a special one, not gilded. He invited the man with a gesture to sit opposite him. He looks just like he does on pictures, thought the man.
“So, young man, you are in heaven.”
“There must be a mistake,” said the man,” I don’t think I should be here, with respect, I don’t actually want to be here.”
“Come now,” said God “everyone wants to be in heaven.”
“Well, that is just a figure of speech down there.”
“The reason why you are here is you have been doing good while you have been on earth.”
“I am a do-gooder?“ The man was incredulous. “Surly not!”
“No, that’s it you are not a do-gooder, I don’t like those very much, the irritate me; they want all the world to know they are doing good.“
“I am neither a do-gooder nor have I done good, so what am I doing here?”
“You have been a good man, only you didn’t know it, that’s why I like you.“
“I did not know you existed and kept saying so, shouldn’t I - be in the other place?”
God chuckled, “I think you would find it a bit hot in the other place. Besides, actually nobody knows that I exist, think about that. I have been observing you, you are a good man; it’s all here.” God shuffled carelessly some sheets of paper about that were covering his desk, presumably the man’s good deeds.
“I have never been a church goer.”
“I know that, I am God, remember? You will find there are some of those up here.”
“Only some?”
“Yes,” God sighed, “sadly many others are hypocrites, I don’t like those either.”
“And then there was this neighbour of ours….”
“I know,” God interrupted, “you desired her, but you did not really…”
“No, but nearly, she had red hair and a good figure.”
“They were not real, you know. But no matter,” God waved a dismissive hand, “the sin of lust is only the second worst.”
“If I may ask, what is the very worst?” the man asked politely.
At this God drew himself up his face darkened, his bushy brows drew together, bristling, his eyes seemed to shoot angry sparks. “The worst of all the sins,” he thundered, “is greed, greed and the hunger for power, POWER!” He leant forward, “GREED and the desire for POWER!”
Thunder and lightning, thought the man, remembering when this happened, his grandmother would say: “God is cross.” His voice was booming and the man, somewhat nervous, sank a little into himself.
“Can’t you do anything about that?” he asked timidly.
“I do my best,” said God, leaning back, as though exhausted “the guy next door, in the place that is hot, very hot let me tell you, keeps dangling it all in front of their noses, and when they get it they don’t even enjoy it, the power.”
“Why is that then?” asked the man.
God thundered again:” Because they want more, and then they want more and then they want still more!”
“And then?”
“And then they die and go next door, the poor wretches.”
“But,” the man looked puzzled,” you are almighty, couldn’t you ….”
“Ach, ”God made a resigned movement with his hand, ”if only I could; but I made the mistake of giving to all of you a free will, hoping good sense would prevail when temptation strikes.” For all the world God looked like a crestfallen rabbi at this moment.
“You may go now, enjoy yourself.” God sighed, still seeming preoccupied with the lost ones.
“I suppose heaven will be boring?” The man mumbled under his breath, as he stood up slowly like someone who is uncertain as to what he might have to face shortly; but God had heard him. He chuckled again, “Just run along you will find a few surprises up here, there are quite a lot of people you wouldn’t have expected to see.”