Alternative To The Alternative Wilt

(With apologies to Tom Sharpe)

It was a typical southern England early autumn morning. The traffic
roared continuously along the Main A4 trunk road out of town and pale
faced bleary students were creeping in to the college in thin
dribbles.

The long noisy corridors echoed to the sound of voices raised in
greeting of their colleagues and the college wardens were making their
endless rounds.

Conversation between students was of the normal standard, mostly
oblique references to their peer's sexual prowess and the dubious
marital status of their parents.

The progress of the tide of humanity through the corridors was marked
as usual by the flotsam left behind. It is remarkable just how much
rubbish can be left in the wake of just a few students. Empty coke
cans, chewing gum wrappers and crisp packets, it serves as a reminder
of how this kind of aninal has to continually graze on rubbish
food.

The I T suite, amidst all this commotion was strangely quiet. One
solitary student sat amongst the rows of screens manfully tapping away
at an assignment with 2 fingers poised over the keyboard like the
talons of a rather seedy crow. Spelling, not being a strong point, was
entrusted to the spell checker. This would explain why, in the
bowdlerised words of Eric Morcambe, the words are all there but not
necessarily in the right order.

As always there was a constant background hum from the machinery. The
file server, in it's separate room was rendering a very steady B
flat.

The two laser printers were harmonising in the key of G and by opening
the file server room door and standing in the right place a remarkable
discord could be created.

A crescendo of noise approached the main doors of the suite which
suddenly burst open and a hoard of the motleyest students imaginable
erupted into the room.

This class have yet to learn the art of subtlety. Instead of opening a
door they kick it off it's hinges. Instead of pressing a power switch
they administer a kung-fu kick and when they encounter any kind of
problem the keyboard is rewarded with a punch.

The lone student looked up in disappointment hastily saved his work and
left.

The crowd spread itself into the four corners of the large room and
started to pile up bags, coats, hats and other ephemera of the type
normally associated with a trip to the South Pole. The thin metallic
jangle of massed personal stereos filled the air.

When they were settled there was barely enough room for them to move
their arms.

Cans of Coca Cola and bags of sweets were surreptitiously opened and
concealed inside jackets.

Ten minutes later the lecturer arrived and looked around the room. He
went to the reception desk and started to complain that it was
impossible to teach a class that was spread out like that.

It was very quickly pointed out to him that his students had chosen to
spread themselves around in this fashion and that it would have been
better if he had chosen to accompany them to the suite and find out
where the class had been placed.

It was also pointed out that the lecturer was supposed to get their
before the students and they were responsible for the behaviour of
their classes

The disgruntled lecturer started to round up the students into the
allotted area, amidst much complaining.

"We were working Sir!"

"I've only just logged on Sir!"

"Why can't we sit where we like sir?"

The lecturer imposed his authority and said:

"Because I don't want to spend all morning running up and down the
entire length of this room."

"But Sir!!"

"Get on with your work, remember, I want this assignment handed in
tomorrow"

"But it's three pages sir, I need at least a week!"

"It'll never get done if you sit there complaining."

"Can I make it up to three pages by double spacing and using a 24 point
font?"

"Only if you don't want any marks for it"

"I can't do it today because football is on tonight"

Eventually the room settled down to a mumble. The hum of the equipment
could no longer be heard. Another day had started in the I T Suite