Automobile Mechanics for Beginners

Automobile Mechanics for Beginners

Melissa sighed and picked up the weekly television guide. She flicked
through its pages but she already knew the contents almost off by
heart. She was beginning to wonder if this great move she had talked so
excitedly about had really been worth it. Sure she was the lawyer she
had always dreamed of being but she was so far from home, her family,
her friends. And the job she had to admit was boring. Boring with a
capital B.

Melissa sighed again and switched on the tele. Another night in front
of the goggle box. She moved up and down the channels until she found a
programme she wanted to watch. It was a legal drama. After ten minutes,
however, she switched it off in disgust. It wasn't that she wasn't
enjoying it, it was just that it depressed her. Seeing those handsome
young American solicitors with their high-profile cases made her think
about her own dull job, made her think about the people in her office.
They were lovely but, how could she put it? They were a singing voice
short of Tom Jones, they were a dance routine short of Abba, they were
a highly toned body short of Mel Gibson. More simply, they weren't
exciting.

Melissa wanted friends, she wanted to meet people to go out with. She
wanted fun. Fun with a capital F. The biggest F you have ever
seen.

Melissa got up off the sofa. She didn't want to see any more
television. She was going to bed.

When the next morning she woke up and her car wouldn't start she had
an idea, a very good idea.

***

Melissa found the Adult Education Centre no problem. It was in a
massive Victorian building set in its own grounds. Just seeing the
building made her feel good. It looked like a place where things
happened. She had read plenty of Victorian books. She knew the kind of
thing that went on. Fixing an image of Mr Darcy firmly in her head she
pushed her way through the doors.

Mr Darcy, however, was noticeable by his gorgeous absence. There was
only one smiling woman dwarfed by an over-large reception desk. Melissa
asked this woman the way to the class she had booked herself on to and
was told to go up two flights of stairs and it was on the right. She
couldn't miss it.

Upstairs, the room was already packed. Melissa walked briskly in and
took a seat at the back just as the rather owlish man at the front
pointed at a large picture fixed firmly onto the blackboard and said in
a booming voice, so different from his appearance, "This is a Wankle
rotary engine". Melissa knew she was in the right place. Automobile
Mechanics for beginners.

Automobile Mechanics for beginners Melissa had decided would be a good
place to have fun and meet fun people.

However, forty-five minutes later Melissa's right hand was about ready
to drop off. She had never written so fast or so furiously. And she had
never understood anything less. The Wankle rotary engine certainly
knocked conveyancing into a cocked-hat for its complexity. When the
owlish man boomed that it was time for a short coffee break Melissa
nearly clapped her hands. Clapping her hands was the closest she had
come to having fun all evening.

Melissa stood up and filed out of the room with the other students. It
was the first time she had had a chance to examine them closely. They
were not what she expected.

The students were broadly divided in to two camps. On the one hand
there was the little old ladies with white hair, flowery dresses and on
the other was the balding men with bottle bottom thick glasses and oily
boiler suits. Neither group seemed to be shouting out fun to Melissa.
Not even with a small f. Not even with a very tiny f.

Not wanting to judge by appearances Melissa collected a coffee and
went over and joined the little old ladies. She had seen Cocoon three
times. Perhaps she would be pleasantly surprised. And she could see the
ladies were talking very animatedly. She decided to listen in.

"Of course," said one of the ladies breezily, "computerised ignition
systems do achieve a more efficient combustion but I still prefer the
16 horsepower Humber engine of 1911."

"Me too," piped up another of the ladies. "Along with the Trojan
two-stroke engine of 1927. That's another of my favourites."

Melissa sighed.

***

An hour later Melissa decided she had had enough. She decided she was
going to jack Automobile Mechanics for beginners in. Wankle and his
rotary engine could go and spontaneously combust for all she cared. So
when the class finished she went back down the stairs to see the woman
on the reception.

"Automobile mechanics for beginners is not for me," she said in a very
sure voice. She had never been more sure of anything in her life.

"Too easy," said the smiling woman behind the desk. "Perhaps you'd
like to join the advanced group."

Melissa shook her head. "Perhaps not."

"Oh," said the woman. "Then let's see what else we've got. Something
easier, maybe."

"Like rocket science," joked Melissa.

"I think you might be in luck," said the smiling woman. "We do have
one space on the rocket science course. Professor Einstein dropped out
just last week to join the NASA astronaut programme."

"I was joking," said Melissa.

"So was I," said the woman.

Melissa looked at the woman and for a second there was silence and
then they both laughed loudly.

"Sorry," said Melissa, wiping her eyes. "It's a while since I've been
out. I can't even recognise a joke any more. That's why I came here. I
was looking for some fun."

"Then look behind you," said the woman.

"What?" said Melissa.

"Just look," said the woman.

Melissa turned.

The person coming down the stairs was definitely a man. He had the
deep brown eyes of a man, the broad shoulders of a man. He was,
however, not dressed like a man. He was wearing an elegant
crepe-de-chene tubular dress, he was wearing rayon beige stockings, he
was wearing T-bar beaded shoes and he was holding a rather elegant
suede-effect handbag. At the bottom of the stairs the man stopped and
put a hand melodramatically on his hip.

"Advanced Hosiery and Adventures in Acrylics is not for me," he said.
"I want to change."

When Melissa had stopped laughing, which took quite a time, she said,
"I'm a lawyer, but dressed like that even I couldn't defend you."

"You're a lawyer?" said the man, raising his eyebrows.

"Yes," said Melissa, and then she added, "I came here to look for
fun."

"If it's fun you want then I can help you," said the man. "I own a
theme park."

"People don't own theme parks," blurted out Melissa, lulled into a
false sense of confidence by the man's ridiculous appearance.

"I do," said the man. "I own a whole one."

"Oh," said Melissa.

"It's been in my family for years. Look." The man opened the handbag
and passed Melissa a small gilded business card. "That's me, Antony
Fernando, roller-coaster tycoon."

"Oh," said Melissa.

"Why don't you come and see the park? Next Saturday."

"OK," said Melissa. And that, it seemed, was that.

***

The following Saturday Melissa wasn't nervous at all. It was difficult
to be nervous of a man when you had seen him in drag. It was something
her mother had once said to her. Her mother had met her father at the
local church's annual pantomime. Her mother was playing Peter Pan. Her
father was playing two of the ugly sisters.

So Melissa was quite relaxed as she stood by the gates to the theme
park. The sun was beating down, there wasn't a cloud in the sky and she
was just looking forward to having a fun day with Antony. With a large
capital F.

However, when Antony walked up, her heart leapt into her mouth. She
hadn't realised quite how handsome he was. She began to think of
another word. With an equally big capital.

"Are you OK?" said Antony, putting a hand on her elbow.

"Fine," said Melissa. "Just didn't recognise you without your tights
on."

"Ha ha," said Antony. "Very funny. Come on, let's go. We've got a lot
to do." And he led her under the orange gates and into the park.

If Melissa had wanted fun then she got it. She had never had so much
fun. She and Antony had a great day. They sailed on the Pirate Ship,
they challenged the spinning cars of the Samurai, they had a
tree-mendous ride on the log flume and best of all they went on the
roller-coaster six times in a row without getting off. They even sat at
the front. As Melissa was flung left and right up and down she thought
this is the life, this is me, I'm happy. Both because of the ride and
because of Antony. He was charming, funny, good-looking, and she had to
admit, he looked great in tights.

If any of her friends had told her that she was going to meet a
roller-coaster tycoon she would never have believed them. It wasn't
something she had expected.

Melissa didn't want the day to end but eventually it did as days most
often do. The sun dipped, night came, and the park was due to
close.

"Well," said Melissa.

"Well," said Antony.

Antony was looking down at the ground. He was playing with a small
pebble. Melissa sensed he had something on his mind.

"What is it?" said Melissa.

Antony kicked the pebble away and then looked up. "I got you here
under false pretences."

"What?" said Melissa. "You mean because when I first met you you were
dressed as a woman? Don't worry I knew you were a man."

Antony allowed himself a smile and then he put it away. "No, not
that."

"Then what?"

"When you said you were a lawyer I thought you were just what I was
looking for."

Melissa scrunched up her eyes.

"You see," said Antony, now playing with another pebble, "I'm opening
another park and I need someone to handle the legal side. Most of the
lawyers I've interviewed have been so... so...

"Old?" said Melissa. "Boring?"

"Exactly," said Antony. "I run a fun business. I need a fun lawyer. I
think you'd be perfect. Would you like the job?"

Melissa didn't know what to say.

"The pay is good, there'd be lots of foreign travel, you'd have wide
responsibilities and... and..."

"Yes?" said Melissa.

"You'd get free entrance to the park any time you wanted."

Melissa almost clapped her hands. Almost. There was something else at
the back of her mind. She knew she was stupid to expect it but it was
just that she'd had such a great day.

"You don't have to decide now," said Antony. "The park's closed and
I've got an idea."

"Yes?" said Melissa.

"There's one ride we haven't been on."

"Yes?" said Melissa.

"The love boat. Would you like to accompany me now?"

"Yes," said Melissa. "I would." That's what had been at the back of
her mind.

Antony slipped an arm around her waist and he led her over to where
the water was cascading, to where the love boat was gently bobbing in
the water.

Just as she was about to get in the boat something made Melissa
stop.

"What's that?" she said and pointed.

"That," said Antony, looking to where Melissa was pointing, "is the
company logo. It's the first letter of my family's name. Fernando. The
same as McDonalds is represented by an M."

"Oh," said Melissa and she smiled.

"What is it?" said Antony.

"Nothing," said Melissa. "Come on." And she and Antony got into the
boat.

Antony untied the rope and they sailed gently into the mouth of the
tunnel of love. But before they did, they drifted past the huge
flashing capital fibreglass F that had caused Melissa to stop and
stare. It was the biggest capital F she had ever seen.