Group Think: 1833

“Van Buren!" Andrew Jackson shouted as the Vice President was led into the Oval Office. “Good to have you here. I know you’re busy.”

Van Buren knew that his boss was being kind. Vice Presidents aren’t usually busy at being Vice Presidents. He looked around, and noticed how things had changed during his trip. President Jackson had a bowl of bananas prominent on his desk, along with a lava lamp tastefully placed on the corner.

“I have just returned from my tour of the Wild West, Mister President, your Excellency, sir. And, throughout my journey, according to your instructions, I kept a very sharp eye.”

“Grand!” President Jackson, shouted, and offered Van Buren a banana. “They have quite a few of these in the tropics.”

Van Buren pondered the surprise banana, and began to peel it.

“They grow on trees which aren’t nailed down,” Jackson told him, “but they’re in the soil good. I’m still trying to figure out a way around that.”

Jackson joined the veep, peeling and eating. He crammed his mouth full and motioned to Van Buren with the ‘nanner, begging for him to continue. So, Van Buren did.

“On my vice-presidential tour,” he told him, “I came across great wonders. Just across the Ohio, I saw what they claim is the world’s largest ball of twine. And, further, there was an archway consisting of a statue of a size rivaling that of the Colossus of Rhodes. It was that of a giant, holding a great ax, all made of plaster, and it included his faithful companion, an ox.”

“Oh,” Jackson interrupted, “and what wonders do you find when you step within?” 

“Sadly,” Van Buren told him, “I couldn’t enjoy that experience further. Entrance was a half-penny, and I had just spent the last of my per diem on a Big Gulp.”

Andrew Jackson crossed to a spot behind his desk, for political leverage.

“If it isn’t nailed down, by definition, it’s ours.”

“According to the doctrine forged through your infinite wisdom,” Van Buren responded. “My party then came across this huge wet thing called the Mississippi, and there our journey ended. But there were rumors of a mysterious creature, proliferating just the other side.”

“And, tell,” Jackson asked. “What particular quality does this creature have?”

As Jackson spoke, Van Buren had finished his banana and was looking for a place to discard the pulpy wrapper. Jackson opened a small, vertical window, and they both hurled their peelings out onto the White House lawn. Then, Jackson began to run his hands through his magnificent bangs.

“The banana makes a great mousse, too,” He told Van Buren. “Not effeminate in the least.”

“Nothing about you can be called effeminate, Mister President.” Van Buren answered. “Every constituent of the male persuasion will be using banana mousse within the fortnight, I reckon.”

“What’s a ‘fortnight’?” Jackson asked, but Van Buren decided to answer the previous question.

“The creature results from the mating of the common jackrabbit and the antelope. The result has been herds of mammals, quite large, who possesses both prongs and grand, floppy ears.”

Jackson rubbed his chin and thought.

“Does any part of this tale include them being nailed to the soil by their fluffy scut? That is, if the creature still possesses that part from the rabbit species.”

And, Van Buren responded.

“The answer would be no. There was no such feature in the description, and, by my judgment, not through any omission in the tail.”

Both turned and looked off the page, wiggling their eyebrows, executing something that I invented and refer to as a ‘Reader Take’.

Then, from his spot behind the Presidential Desk, Jackson thundered in a voice quite edictful.

“Then if the creatures aren’t nailed down, then I will sign an executive order here and now, giving my third cousin twice removed- the knacker- commission to harvest such wonders, and sell their pelts at truck stops.”

“Excellent idea!” Van Buren shouted, rubbing his hands together. “Mister President, everything west of here is just where we want it. Namely, west of here, and not nailed down. From here to Saint Louis, at least, not many people have nails or are making good use of them.”

Andrew Jackson grinned, encouraging Van Buren to continue with his description and strategy briefing.

“There are forests as big as my ass. Huge reserves of coal, uranium and turquoise. All of it, as far as I know, not secured by nails.”

“Well,” Jackson said, “you shouldn’t try to put a nail in uranium…”

They both paused, rolling hands, each acknowledging the other’s thorough understanding of science.

 “But, sir,” Van Buren paced the office and spoke brightly, “I have another idea. Perhaps we shouldn’t be grabbing everything west of here just because it isn’t nailed down. Perhaps we can leave people to live up to their own potential. Perhaps…perhaps, we should fully live up to, not only the word, but the spirit of our creed, and, well, stop being such greedy assholes, for starters.”

Van Buren had ranged so far that he wound up next to the door Nixon had such a hard time with, years later.

“That is an intriguing option, to be sure….” Jackson answered.

Van Buren sprinted back in front of the desk.

“I will commence a feasibility study of the option of us not being such greedy assholes sometime within… well… two weeks. There are great tomes I can refer to at the New York Public Library.”

Jackson raised a finger.

“Are you well supplied with highlight pens?”

“Not to worry, Mister President.”

“Then, venture forth!” Jackson ordered. “Aspire! Achieve!”

Martin Van Buren bowed and departed. Jackson sat behind the desk, thought a moment, and cried- “Jeeves!”

An aide entered, and said:

“I am not ‘Jeeves’.”

Jackson shook his head to clear his mind and raised a finger to Jeeves.

“That man was an impostor. Bar him from entrance in the future, and put him on the Don’t-Fly list.”