What's The Big Idea?

Dear Woolsey and Associates Marketing Solutions:

            Despite my strong skepticism toward your vocation, I would like to offer some assistance. Although I don’t have one of your Lexus’s, moussy hair, and access to your expense accounts, I feel I have some viable ideas which you can make use of in your field. I’m an idea man. That’s what they say about me: “He’s an idea man.”

            True, I’m not very sophisticated, and lack experience in your world. I’ve been barred from all clubs, and from all tables that can be called such. I mean, is it my fault that a runsible spoon stuck handle-first into the brie doesn’t look like a radar installation to all viewers? Some are blinded by their own envy, I think.

            Either way. I have an idea to offer to the world, both actually and in fiction. 

            I have noticed that there is a demographic out there which has not been included in advertising efforts. Past shoplifters. The mark-ups on products in shops are so high that it makes it worthwhile to tap into this ‘demo’ as actual customers. So, they may have stolen from the shop in the past. These people can still contribute to profits. It would be good to have a campaign for past pocket-shoppers to not shy away from visiting again. And, this time, they can swing by check-out with every item clearly visible. It’s quick, and easy!

            Now, I’m guessing that both yourself and Associates haven’t even thought of that. With your six-figure incomes, data mining, three Zima lunches and the ubiquitous mousse.

            Look at it this way. It’s case of ‘Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. But, come in a third time and actually buy something, and I’m ahead by a nickel’. (Which may not seem like much at first, but with a million stores, that’s a million nickels. Just imagine. Quite glimmery, for one thing.)

            I have some examples of how the demographic would be approached which you might enjoy hearing. That is, if you don’t have mousse stuck in your ears. For example-

            “So, you’re a go-getting free-spirit who doesn’t play by the rules. You blaze your own trail. Why not be a rebel, and actually shell out some bucks when you return?”

Or-

            “15% off! Now you can actually buy the item, and impress your fence!”

Or, perhaps a nostalgic angle-

            “Remember when you swiped that pregnancy test kit so’s you could have your boyfriend pee on it just to see what happened? (And, we’re not judging here. What you do in your spare time is your business.) Well, stop remembering, and come enjoy our selection in the Health and Beauty section! We’re dying to hear how your experiment turned out!”

            (I know that one was a bit wordy for an ad, and I apologize. But, it’s the overall concept that counts. Genius is long, boring stretches of time, punctuated by egg-salad sandwiches.)

            I know you have enough to worry about, what with Covid guidelines, a bottleneck at the 14^th tee, and a rise in the cost of hair-care products, but I feel that you should look at my ideas. I feel that although they are radical, and a bit undeveloped, they’re not entirely mousseless.

            I mean, useless.

            Perhaps you could include a special place in your shops for this new group.

            Like a discount scratch-and-dent aisle in the store where people can practice pocket-shopping and try to catch each other in the meantime. This would have kind of the premise of ‘kick the can’, but with slightly higher stakes. Of course, the game would have to be played on the ‘honor system’, but I hear that there’s honor among thieves. On Fridays, we could set up a kind of obstacle course using cheap mousetraps.

            This could be a special place for this newly discovered demographic to make the transition into the mainstream of consumerism. I have other ideas for activities that the group could undertake there, which, despite their mousse-optional format, I feel you may be interested in implementing.

            You can have a weekly “Best Profile While Laden With The Most Goods” contest.

            Or you can have ‘Buzz Stickyfingers’ come by and show people how to desensitize packages using just a gum wrapper.

            And here are ideas for the names for participating branch stores that I just whipped up while preparing Tuna Helper:

“The Perp Zone”.

“For Petty Thieves Only”.

“Paynothing Shoes.”

“Waldencrooks.”

“Kentucky Fried Swag.”

“Great Clips.”

 “Bed, Bath and Kleptomania.”

“‘I Thought They Were Samples’ Island.”

“No Shirt, No Shoes Is The Least Of Our Problems.”

            I feel that the establishment of these branches would boost (at least, in the short-term) the post-lockdown economy. I sincerely hope that you implement my brilliant ideas. If not, I invite you to my shops once investors understand the potential of the peripatetic pocket-shopping demographic. You could stop by and snag a tube of Vidal Sassoon. On me. And, if you take advantage of my ideas on marketing strategy, feel free to send a little something my way. I could use the cash. As much as I talk about it, I really can’t afford to steal.