Re-visiting the Past

“Is it signed and sealed?”, says Jessica

“What?”

“The marital agreement.”

“Aren't you jumping the gun?

“I thought that after last night it was a fait accompli.”

She is referring to Lottie's visit to my bedroom the previous night and I know she expect to be informed of what intentions her uncle Jeremy has towards the widow.

“Well, we had a long and frank discussion...”

“And the rest.”, she cheekily interjects.

“Mind your language, young lady.”, I say trying, unsuccessfully, to sound stern.

“As I was saying, we talked at length about ourselves and decided that on her return from Zurich we will make plans about the future. All we have to do is dot the I's and cross the T's.”

Jessica wants to see her uncle, whom she suspects to be her biological father, settled and happy in his retirement.

In a role reversal, while up to now Jeremy has taken care of her and given her security, this is no longer the case and she is the one more concerned and protective of her elderly relative.

“Are you sure you are doing the right thing, that you are not jumping in at the deep end?”

“Credit me with some sense, my darling.”

◊ ◊ ◊

Jessica is not the only one to have reservations. After our brief sexual interlude, Lottie continued to talk of her vicissitudes; of how sterile her marriage to Hugo had been; of his poor love-making that left her unsatisfied and of lovers. The use of plurals gives rise to questions in my mind: how many? Does it bother me?

“It was either that or join a convent”, she had declared, “and I wasn't cut out to be a nun.”

I wasn't particularly disturbed by this admission. After all, being a bachelor, I had had my share of dalliances but my justification was that I was searching for the right woman to marry. What made me raise an eyebrow was her implicit admission that her reason was purely for sexual gratification.

Was I being a hypocrite or did I have a puritan streak? Perhaps what made me reject this desirable woman in the first place was that I was strait-laced rather than an honourable man respecting her virtue.

I was determined to be objective in my assessment and listened attentively to her anguished recollections. What she said next threw a new light on the situation and made me realise I had misjudged her.

“When I married Hugo I was a virgin and didn't know what to expect. All my married friends had spoken of multiple orgasms but it wasn't happening to me.
But that didn't drive me into the arms of lovers; I knew that one could satisfy oneself by other means and I did.”

She didn't need to spell it out: I had seen certain devices, whose function was evident, in a drawer of her bedside table.

“My life changed at a stroke one sunny afternoon. I was relaxing in the lounge and because it was a warm day I was skimpily dressed, with a blouse - but no bra – and a short skirt. I was alone in the house and wasn't expecting visitors.“

“I never imagined that I'd be in danger in my own home; I didn't realise I was vulnerable and dropped my guard when Kurt, Hugo's brother called unexpectedly one day during my husband's absence.”

“I didn't know him very well but as he was Hugo's sibling, it seemed natural that he should give me a peck on the cheek. Except that he forced his lips onto mine and hugged me tightly. I understood then that he was intent on raping me.”

She must have heard my horrified gasp because she paused for a while before continuing.

“I kept saying no, no, no. don't! He didn’t seem to listen, because he then took off my shirt and started kissing my breasts.
Although I didn’t agree to what was happening, I was physically getting aroused by it. Once it became clear that my attempts to stop it weren’t succeeding, I figured all I could do to make the situation less unpleasant for myself was try to enjoy the arousal I felt mounting in my body.
I am ashamed to say that I climaxed.”

“After it was over, I felt confused: I had not consented to intercourse but I had derived pleasure from it
I didn’t want to go that far for emotional reasons, but physically, I wanted it. But did the fact that part of me desired his touch meant I had consented to it?”

She had made a valid point which made me re-evaluate my own actions. I asked myself if all my conquests had always acquiesced. I could not swear that all my encounters had been consensual; in my youth I believed that it was part of the mating game when girls showed some reluctance and demurred.

I am left pondering the question on whether I too am a sexual predator.

© Luigi Pagano 2020

Previous episode: https://www.abctales.com/story/luigipagano/dismay-and-distress