Pretending

It's a warm summer afternoon. And I'm sitting on the scalding pavement. The sun hits the top of my head and I feel my whole body course with heat, my finger tips tingle and I can finally feel. It's comforting. I close my eyes and tilt my head back taking in as much as the sun will give me. My mind is empty of thoughts for once and, it's refreshing. I can feel myself over heating but I don't move. I don't want to. The longer I focus on the sun and it taking over my body, the less I have to think about other things. Like the weight that will settle on my shoulders as soon as I open my eyes and walk away from the pavement. The thoughts will come flooding back full force. A tear rolls down my face but I don't wipe it away. I won't acknowledge its presence because, if I pretend hard enough i can even fool myself. Sometimes I can go for days plastering a smile on my face pretending that I'm okay. Acting, because if I can trick others I can surely trick myself. But other times I can't get out of bed because the sadness looms over me and presses against my chest until I can no longer breathe. But for now I can breathe and I will cling to this moment for as long as I can because I know that soon enough the clouds will cover the sun and I will go back to feeling numb, pretending, as if everything is okay.