The Damp Demise of Ronnie Porter

Humoresque Vocalese

Ronnie Porter was sick of the rain because for forty six days it had been the same old story - bouncing from the roof and racing down the drain - except it didn't because the drain was blocked and a family of mallard had flocked to his lake, which would take weeks to recede if ever the downpour stopped.

If anything ever got Ronnie's goat it was endlessly depressing rain, so his greatest desire was to build a boat which he could float across the main and employ the breeze to squeeze every last drop from his annoyingly moist attire. Assuming all went well of course on this quest to be considerably drier.

So he drove to Jewson's for timber and nail and waited in the queue behind Noah Kinsale, whom he knew and who, for reasons unknown, had shown cruel disregard for Jewson's rules and taken all the timber and tools required to build a boat of giant dimension – making everyone think there was something he knew that he'd deliberately forgotten to mention.

On the way home through waters torrid, Ronnie's plight became extremely horrid as levels increased beyond expectation into biblical proportions of consternation. For those like Ronnie who couldn't swim, survival chances became extremely slim as the dampness oozed in to his soggy motor, turning him slowly but surely into a helpless floater with hope much remoter and senses confused 

The following morning on breakfast TV, there for all to see, was the fire brigade winching slowly from the murky flow, an Austin Allegro filled to the brim with gloomy water and the grim remains of a rheumy Ronnie Porter. Ronnie had made the fatal mistake of ignoring the forecasts in amber and red. Instead, he'd ventured out for boating supplies when staying indoors would have prevented him floating and avoided his dreadful demise.

So, if in the future the rain persists and bounces from your roof, make absolutely sure that the gutters are clean, the drains are clear and your garden is mallard proof. This will help to keep spirits high and avoid any dangerous temptation, like venturing out in desperation into precipitation so dire that events conspire into percolation, vexation, privation, perturbation and the final stages of expiration.  

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